Knots

I'v felt so aimless... drowning. My chest constantly in a vice. Tired... no exhausted. I don't love the person I'm with. I have tried to tell myself he is "my best friend", to make up for the lack of loving feeling I do not have.. but even that doesnt work. I am sad. I can't sleep at night. My heart feels like it spasms when I try. I keep plodding along doing what I feel I must... watching time go by. Quickly.

Tonight was shit. For I think the third time in as many years I was called by a police switchboard to tell me that my "boyfriend" had been stopped and his license is expired? or something... I haven't really talked to him about it all yet... I don't really want to.... But I need to.. later. So excellent like we have money for this kind of crap.... He is SO FUCKING STUPID!... I HATE HIM! okay.. really need to get that out. Still do. But that will do for the time being ;/

So-o after feeding the kids dinner... I took the keys off the hook by the door and just walked out. I DREAM of just walking out and NEVER coming back. But .. not tonight.
No.. tonight I just slid each key pointy end out between each finger, making a makeshift weapon... and walked.
Across and out of the parking lot of our apartments, across the field with the old abandoned brick welding building with the boarded up windows, across the street where the truckers park their eighteen wheelers , into the church parking lot... I sat down at a dark back door behind a bunch of trees in the dark and just watched the cars on the road, and the clouds moving across the sky. And breathed.. it was the first time in a very long time my chest didn't feel so tight. After about thirty minutes I walked around the church building and found a little court yard with a bell tower and a tall metal cross and four stone benches around the sides. I laid on one of the benches, surprisely the stars were very bright here. Afterward I got up and walked back home. I tucked the kids in.... who had been worried about me.. (:(
And that has been my night. Back home.. back in knots....

Ghost

Another A.M session. Baby won't fall back asleep... He is one year old now. He SHOULD sleep through the night! This is driving me nuts! I haven't been here in a while. Actually that isn't entirely true,, I have at least two or three drafts that I have abandoned. I don't know why... I am feeling this dark hole in the pit of my stomach... like a vacuum sucking .. empty , consuming ache. I feel .. sad. Just right now. Like my fragile self-esteem , and hope has been forgotten in the flowerpot and is withering and drying up. I need a good watering ;) It can dry up so quickly. One day everything is fine, and the next I want to curl up in bed and cry, or yell and scream angrily at any who may pass cheerfully. Sounds like real mental problems.. but there is n't much I can do about that... Not at this time anyway. Maybe.. maybe soon. I am so-o tired. Have to work today.. and the boyfriend works all weekend... I'm frustrated, angry really. I just got over the lack of sleep and becoming sick ,, I was just getting better, and now it seems I am being pushed back down that hellish path again. I guess I am going to have to catch a few Zzz'z on the sofa... hate that.

Blessed

So its been a very long couple of days. And its not yet over... got through a battle today, but there is another tomorrow. No rest for the weary rings ever so true. But I gotta "keep on truckin", "Keep on keeping on", "Keep on moving", ectera, ectera, ectera. I am feeling very happy and blessed about dodging the bullets today, very greatful. But already I feel the high of todays win fading into the background , and the clench of the unknown moving into my gut. SIGH! Well must go feed baby and myself. Its 7:15 and all I'v consumed today is a cup of coffee this morning before work ;/
Peace♥love♥blessings

The Blahs

I'v had a heinous attack of the stomach flu the last couple days and have felt.. well you could imagine I'm sure.:(
I have Three THREE 3 tenitive photoshoots that I have yet to line up date and solidify... Gah! and one more even more "tenitive".... *sigh*... Welllll lots to do.. (not feeling it) Need to go clean the kitchen.. and bathroom... HATE doing dishes.. the WORST!! :(

A Million Miles

Four O'clock in the morning.... I can't sleep. I feel ... sad. Its a chemical "mistake" in my brain.. I know it, but I still "FEEL" it regardless. Sometimes I am... confused as to why some people are the way they are, why they do or say or.. feel the way they do. And what in the world did I do.. to be treated THAT way? My chest feels tight. I took melatonin,.. still unable to sleep. I feel forgotten .. nights like this. unimportant, forgotten...And what bothers me the most... is that I don't know "WHY". I just want to know "WHY".Whats so hard about that? The answer.. do you not have an answer? And if not.... then "WHY"......? I need to sleep..... I'm so freakin restless. Sometimes I just want to ... run. For some reason I'm to afraid to get up and do it.

I'm Alright, I'm Okay

Two steps forward, one hundred back. Just trying to breathe. So... I did a photoshoot for my mum. There were some really good pictures. But she is so negative about herself , that she is picking herself and in so doing picking apart the pictures... I know I shouldn't take her issues personally.. but I do. I mean I AM her daughter. Feeling a bit down. And already having some anxiety . About money and rent ectera. My stomach is in knots and I feel like curling up in a ball and crying... Then passing out for a few hours.... Its been a long hot day and I am exhausted and dehydrated. My baby made me some yummy stirfry for dinner, much appreciated since I hadn't eatten anything all day.. and overdosed on coffee ;/
Tired.. need to rest. But first I need a shower. Grimy ;/ Wooo zahh ;)

Redemption

I love taking pictures, I love photography, I love making pictures even more beautiful with editing programs and changing lighting and contrast. In the last year my "friend" (she use to be my best friend) somehow became a "professional" photogragher. Now every time I take pictures or talk about photography or pursue my passion I feel like a copycat and a fraud. To the point I truely wondered if I was copying her.... But then today I really started thinking about it... I took photography in HIGHSCHOOL.... having my own DARKROOM has been on my wishlist for ages. I'v loved CAMERAS for as long as I can remember. REMEMBERING all this was a bit redeeming.. but I have to wonder how I could put myself away like that... I have let everyone " put me away" and just smile and say "its okay". What bullshit is that? I can't believe I actually questioned myself... I'm angry.. for feeling like that.. for even wondering.. and for ..... I don't even know how to put it in words at the moment.. I just get angrier and angrier...
How can I so completely FORGET ME? That is more then a little terrifying. If I'm not here for me.. no one else will be.
I need to go to bed now :) peace & ♥