Fly Away

Tried to go back to sleep... couldn't. Lay in bed for an hour or two.. until the room started to lighten and the birds began chirping outside. Hoping I can steal a nap later. Don't need to be at work for at least another three hours. I made coffee. scrolled the page up and down on Facebook looking for something or someone to entertain me. Checked out the "Free" section on CraigsList. Realized I had made friends with all the "wrong" people in highschool... somehow. I befriended the rebel out cast "older brothers/sisters that didn't even go to highschool with me.. later I found out I had went to highschool with "friends" younger (my age) siblings. How did I do that? Wasn't trying... I'm just strange like that....
I hate being tired and not being able to sleep.... I end up in this good-for -nothing lethargic state lacking energy to do anything.. yet unable to sleep. So I'm just lazy and good-for-nothing... I can't stand it! Why is it so hard for me to sleep!?!? If I had medical I'd go to the docter.. but alas I do not. Blah. I'm tired of being tired....



I want to fly away...............................................................

Starlight Starbright

So,,, I found out I'm nearly three-hundred dollars in the hole at the bank today. Strangely enough.. I'm still breathing and pretty calm. I'm not sure how I managed that one,, but I'm grateful to the universe for keeping me tied up and in one piece. ;/
I went to bed tonight around 11:thirty, with the aid of some PM med but only dozed it off and found myself awake at 2:thirty. So I am here now... contemplating going back to bed. I ate half a bag of popcorn and some water w/ crystal light.
I can't believe how "relatively" calm I feel. Nice.. for once.
I think... unless it is only a "calm before the storm".. or I am just "in the eye" ;/
I know how we age now... I know how we get old.... Sometimes there is just to much LIFE. I am going back to bed now..... Goodnight ;)

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Why?

So-o, yesterday my mum has my brother text me.. I didn't respond. And today she has my brother call... I didn't respond. Then my brother shows up at my door with a bag of summer clothes from the childrens resale store. Two outfits for each of the kids. Nice right? Gah. Frustrated, exasperated, anxious, confused, annoyed,... Did I say frustrated? I'm sure I sound like a complete disrespectful ungrateful (I'v been called that before.... )Bitch. I'm not ......really. I'm not.....
I have to do this.... because....
She has always made me feel worthless... in action and word. But I watch her complement and praise ectera others.... Its hurt and I'v felt frozen.. depressed, lost, alone, unlovable.... and always always like something was wrong with me. If I can't... or don't have somebody ELSE to believe in me... well whatever.. what I need to do is believe in MYSELF,, and that is why I am ..... why I HAVE to do this right now. I need to know regardless... that I have the power to change to be who I always was, before I slowly withered and froze, and shrunk into myself. Over time my sadness and pain has twisted into more agressive anger and bitterness.... I don't like it but I must admit I prefer it over the feeling of complete powerlessness.. that I am retarded, lazy and not good enough. I believed it... even though another part of me was screaming it wasn't true. The contradictions made me crazy , made my head ache... and its been going on for nearly three decades. ...... I need a break from this for a moment ;^)
♥

Morning

Welll, its Saturday. Yesterday was an emotional trainwreck for me, and I am feeling wrung out this morning. BF is working today, so I have the three darlings home with me today. Hope it goes smoothly, that is without me losing my mind balled up in a corner crying and rocking back and forth. In my dream life, I would be able to get some (alot?) of cleaning done today while keeping the children happy and entertained, and no parents knocking on the door saying my kids and their kids have gotten in some kind of disagreement (i.e fight) I reallllly can not handle parents knocking at my door... it makes my homicidal urges (which are dangerously close to the surface right now) FLARE! my mother had my brother text me yesterday asking if she could take the kids for a few hours today... any other time I would of literally JUMPED at the idea... especially knowing I was to have all three of them alone today.. all day. Goes to show how serious I am about this... situration.... to me at least. Well, I am going to go start the coffee ... and do some cleaning in the kitchen ;/ (BELIEVING IN MYSELF ;0))

Geek

Blah.... Facebook makes me feel like shit. Why do I keep going back? Glutton for punishment.... Like a virtual peeping tom.... pathetic really. Gah. Obsessed. But a majority of the time I come away feeling like I secretly ate the whole cake .. alone in the closet and I want to vomit and cry. What is WRONG WITH ME!!!??? :(
(I'v been asking that one for, well, forever)

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