More Breathing Exercises

Freaking out. stresssssed. Frazzeled. Overwhelmed. Anxiety.
o.v.e.r.m.o.n.e.y.
That age old love/hate relationship.
Tension headache. Trying to ... just.breathe.
I just want to crawl in a dark hole.And cry.
How is it that the most simple things can seem/be so hard and seem so out-of-reach?
I feel guilty. Like there is something I can do...and I'm just not doing it. And that something is so easy. But I am completely powerless to achieve it.
My entire body aches. I have been sick for so long I don't even remember what its like to really be healthy. Have to go now. Do laundry. Go through the sorry motions that is my life. I'm alright. I'm okay. I am blessed. Really. Really I am.

2a.m

I am bored.
I know I am bored, because I have ended up here; typing. And I only come here when A. I am upset,depressed,ect
B.Inspired
C.BORED (and have exhausted my two dozen times logging in and out on Facebook& Flickr, with a couple visits to Craigslist.)
Around 8:30 this evening we noticed kid#2 had a strange rash on his stomach and sides so "Man" took him to the E.R to get it checked out. It is now 1:30 in the morning and he just called to say they have still yet to see a Dr.
*Sigh*
Kid#1 & #3 are both asleep in kid#1's bed. Even though Kid#3 needs to be moved to his crib. They looked too sweet (I.e still & silent) to disturb. I tried napping on the couch. But just felt restless. So here I am in the dark... typing.

Nothing on the tube. (no cable and its after 1am)
Contemplating doing another layer on my painting. Which sounds promising. Making some tea sounds kinda soothing too. Or maybe some coffee. Yes I know its nearly 2 in the morning but my schedule is quite languid. We have a two hour (easy) job in th eA.m and then no work till Tuesday... So even if I did stay up all night it wouldn't matter to much. I'd just take a nap after work tomorrow. I love that freedom. I swing between feeling blessed and anxious. Because an open schedule also means little or no work and little or no work means little or no money. But somehow we get by. *blessed*
I would truely love to do something more with my creative talents to make a living. *Dream* But seems (feels) pretty plausible (real) to me. I think it can(will) happen. So horror of horrors; I just went to get myself some icecream and saw *GASP* the MAN got Vanilla!!! JUST Vanilla! not vanilla bean/ french vanilla! WHAT WAS HE THINKING??!!!!! This is unacceptable! WHO is this ANIMAL that I have shared my bed with??? This will have to be rectifyed immedietly! Must go now............

Not Knot

Time to make coffee... time to begin the day... time. time. time.
I am feeling down. Blah. blah. As in my money saving martyring skills are very lively.
My birthday is in four days. And I think I should have a few of the things I tell myself "no" to on a daily basis. Nothing huge. Mostly the kinds of things most women take for granted in the daily routine of basic care for themselves. I said "Basic". As in make-up and some new underwear sans holes....
I saw some pretty things in a on-line beads and charms jewelry shop. And thought maybe I could treat myself to one of those trinkets. At a whopping 24 dollars maybe it could be a birthday/valentines gift? ;)
But immedietly I went to work at denying myself. I.e who am I kidding.. what a waste to put something so pretty on something so hidious! So now throughly feeling a bit teary but saving myself 24 dollars!!!! I will "treat" myself to a cup (perhaps a few sips) of coffee before work.....

Words

I come and go
Like waves on a shore
and you pay no mind
at all...

I wonder if you'll ever know
Where I go...

Do you care
at all?

Sometimes it gets so lonely here
But I pay no mind
at all...

Those days and nights
of empty silence
Help me to recall...

TBC. maybe.......

Its Today Again

Good-morning world. Slightly anxious this morning... but kinda sorta looking forward to the day too. Different than usual. Later this evening I am taking the train to Tacoma, to see a friend. Tomorrow we will (along with three other girls/ladies? are we getting to old to be "girls"???) will be going to Seattle.
I am anxious.. partly because (well I am ALWAYS anxious);( Partly because this is something I NEVER even get the opportunity to do.. partly because said friend and I have had some... issues? and partly because I look like crap. Which is okay kinda in my normal life.. where I only work in empty houses and come home.... I am pretty much invisable. Which although painful at times.. works out fine.

On another note.. I am frustrated...
Its annoying to see people time and time again getting credit and praise for my ideas...
I don't say much , because.. well I can't take credit for "ideas" .. and I know I am not the only one with said ideas... BUT when I have done something and I know the other person has seen it and than copies.. wellllll. Frustrating.

Silence

I don't really know what to say. I am feeling rather down. Lonely. Not unusual... just kinda unbearable right now. Which I hate. In the back of my head I know I need to push past it.. and just only DO what needs to be done... But I can never do what really needs to be done. Because I can only be frozen.. and if I thaw just a little I am paralyzed just the same.

I think I must be a awful person.
But I'm not quite sure how... or why...

But it must be so.

And I hate myself for even putting this out there.

......

Nothing Lasts Forever

30 minutes sleep.. yay me. -_- So listening to bebe talk in his crib.. wish I could sleep through it. Fortunely I'm not to exhausted at the moment. So thats good. Sometimes I am so exhausted, murdering everyone sounds like a real option. Feeling a lil low.. And that I am pretty sure involves my continous lack of sleep. So here I am once again. I'm sure I was missed ;p yep theres that resondant chorus of crickets...

4 a.m; this hour is reserved for the graveyard shift, druggies and other nocturnal weirdos.. ;)

I guess I'll take a shower, make some tea, and possibly paint...

Haunted

Ever since I was young I have made up names for books in my head... the title is very important; the way it sounds, feels, tastes.. what picture it brings to mind... a title can make you imagine the whole story in a few words. When I was much (much) younger I use to write.. stories, poems... diaries. I still journal every once in while.. when I am upset or worried. But I haven't let my imagination take control in a long time. Not at least in the form of a story. Its one of those many things that get put on the back burner. People say when you are a artist or a writer you can't help but do your passion. Create. I say that isn't true. Then I would be told I must be depressed.. I'm not depressed. I am tired. Worried. Overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like am always waiting ... and believe me I HATE that. Because there is only NOW; and I am more than aware of this. I KNOW what I need to do. I WANT to do it. I just feel frozen... putting everything in order of SOMEONE elses importance... This isn't living... But ..... so overwhelmed!! I don't need anything explained to me... I understand... I am quite bright, regardless of what you or anyone else for that matter may see, or think. I need.......... to be understood. That strangely enough helps... me ... move. That might sound odd... But I never claimed to be normal.

Night Owl

The baby has slept through the night for the last four nights; and so have I. But tonight I haven't been able to sleep... I am very tired. But I am sad and melencholy and all these silly stupid things are going through my head.... Old stuff new stuff... And as if by some psyhic awareness, the baby woke up. I gave him a warm bottle and laid him back down. I think his cough is keeping him awake. We took him to the doctor about two weeks ago after he had had this cough for nearly three weeks.. it was just a slight cough and only at night.. but it has gotten worse and has been hanging on for over a month now. I don't believe that is "cool" for a baby. He is only one so I can't give him any cough medicine.... I feel so bad.. I am thinking I will take him into urgency care tomorrow.... Soo finally every is asleep... the bigger kids included... I am the only one awake. But I feel uncomfortable... and unsafe. I don't know why. Just a strange paranoia I get sometimes.. because I can't control everything and the bottom can fall out at any given moment and I'll have nothing to hang on to. SO I can't close my eyes.... As if it would make any difference. I am lonely.... I hate to admit that... Admitting such things to me is shameful and weak. I sit here exhausted.. asking unaswerable questions in my head.. driving myself crazy. I need to go to sleep....

Bummer

Somedays, sometimes.. I just don't know which way is up and which way is down. So tired, overwhelmed. But even in the darkness there are always these little islands of light. Things I should and AM greatful for. I just feel like I am being pulled in two directions and not sure how to feel. Like crying and and feeling blessed. I believe I am somewhat in the grips of PMS also at the moment which may also be adding to the colors on the palette. There isn't just "black and white" but all these varying shades of grey. I am cold, and my entire body hurts. And a little sick of myself.... Sick of thinking to much.... not ever DOING enough. Sick of waiting, sick of being scared, sick of being hurt, Sick of feeling stuck. One thing after another... So very tired. I don't remember signing on for "Intensive Life Studies 101". I need to speak to the guidance counselor about changing my course studies to "Lucky Bastard, And "Easy Street". I am told that there are amazing oppurtunities for those who don't flunk out of this course.... But the "flunk out" rate is still pretty high. Somedays.... I'm just not sure I want to "stay the course"... :/ ;p :(

Another Day Without A Dollar ;)

Good Morning Thursday. No work today, because we STILL need a part to (HOPEFULLY) complete the key problem with the car....
I can't believe this as turned into such an utter fiasco. Seriously! A key! Anybody else could and would have it fixed the same day... if maybe the falling day (being it occured on a Sunday , Halloween. Regardless..... INSANE! But we are "poor" sooooo we have to do everything the hard way.. which normally means losing even MORE money in the process. Its frustrating... But i'm trying really REALLY hard to work around the stress. I know from routine experience... all the stress is often for not. And it just makes sthe situration worse physically and emotionally, ectera ectera. And 9.999999 times out of 10, everything is fine. So far anyway. ;/
So like every night..... I have yet to go to sleep, and it is nearly 6 A.M (Deep Breath) The baby slept pretty well.. didn't wake till about 4:30! (And is still talking up a storm in the bedroom) BUT.... Tonight went to shit anyway.... Big fight.. because I was sick and tired of the same bullshit....... I went for a walk at 2 in the morning. Saw a pack of "wild dogs"... that scared me a little. It was kinda nice though. There is a creek that meanders through the area I live in and lots of wooded areas. The stars were bright and very beautiful and the leaves were falling and I could hear the creek down in the woods. If I hadn't been sad, pissed, a little scared and alone.... it would have been quite lovely :) As still was... just not as relaxing as it could of been. So now on an early Thursday morning I hear the rest of the people waking around me (Not my own kids, besides baby,thankfully) ;/ I am very tired.... but barely know how to even fall asleep anymore.... Wellll baby is getting louder now (no more "cute" babble.... So I must be off (another deep breath to get me through)

God

When I was eight years old I stepped onto the front porch of my families home. I don't now remember if I was coming or going. What i do remember, besides all the stars in the sky..... was I suddenly very powerfully KNEW exactly what God looked like. I was overcome with the need to "put him on paper". But when I tried, all I got was a black hole....
The kind you get when you take a pen and scribble in a mad circle until the paper heavy with wet ink desinigrates beneath the pen.............

Chaos

Above is the photo of an artistic endeavor, I created, to decorate the wall behind my bed. If you asked my boyfriend, I'm sure it would be just one of my many "strange creative whimseys".
To me it is more symbolic. I didn't at first mean for it to be. I was just trying to figure out an attractive way to display the vision I had for the wall behind my bed.... I wanted a "brickwall". But buying over two dozen frames was a bit spendy when there are a multitutde of other things that are more important. So I put together the display with things I had around the house; A bamboo pole, twine and tape. It was only after I had "created" it and hung it on the wall, that it took on any symbolism. As I admired my work I saw how the pictures "floated" above the wall. The images of something solid floating like they could fly away at any moment impressed upon me a feeling I have much of the time. The wall behind my back is never truely solid; The ground beneath my feet can disenigrate at any moment, for no apparent reason. And as it is "chaos, begets chaos". But for some reason breaking away from it is like trying to pull out of the orbit of the sun. Nothing is solid, yet you can't just "break away". A contradiction. As it is we are powerful beyond reason, we have choice in every moment. And no control over anything at all...........

"Growing Up Is Hard To Do"

Its hard confronting people, who spew negativity into your life and expect you to be silent and just "take it".. Or pretend they have no idea what you are talking about. Or act all nice to your face. Its hard saying "ENOUGH" and walking away. Its especially hard, when there doesn't seem to be anyone else.... to turn to, to talk to, to have your back......... Its scary.

Random Bits Of Life

Random Fact #1
I was born on the exact due date the doctor gave my mother. Thats pretty rare.. about five percent of babies are born on their given "due date". I'm not sure if that is an indicator of me thereafter always being on time. But I do try. And I get anxious if for some reason, I'm not on time. My mother tried to bring me into the world the "normal" way.. pushing me out... but everytime she had a contraction my heart beat would drop.... I wasn't coming. So they had an emergency C-section; The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck numerous times. My brother use to tease me saying I was born trying to commit suicide.


Random Fact #2
My mother was part of a "cult" for seven years. I wasn't allowed to watch TV,listen to music, Go to swimming lessons with my class in elementry school ( I would stay in the class alone for the hours everyone was gone, I guess they trusted me huh) ;/
I didn't celebrate any holidays. I was once a very happy bubbly child.... but the church said I "giggled to much", therefore they said I was "unclean". My mother went to a meeting with the different "branches" of the church across the country, in Idaho one year. The kids stayed behind to be babysat. We slept on bamboo mats on a hard floor with a sheet over us. We had to lay on our backs with our hands on top of the sheet at our side... to be sure we didn't "touch ourselves".... .... ect.


Random Fact#3
I remember the day my mom decided we wouldn't be going to "church" anymore. She had been "withdrawn from" (nobody could talk to her) For fornication/... adultry.. oh whatever, she had sex with some dude.... out of wedlock. (rolls eyes) I was about 11 I believe... I remember walking across the driveway of the duplex we lived in after she said we wouldn't be going to church that day (or the next or the next as it turned out) ;) I remember feeling both free and like God would strike me dead any secound.......


Random Fact #4
When I was 10 years old I decided I would go live with my aunt and uncle since I didn't "get along" with my mother (she just always made me feel like shit) I stayed at my aunt and uncles for about two weeks, until my 14 year old cousin who was also staying there, told me he had cigerettes, and put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me. After I told and went back home. I was told that my other cousins didn't beleive me..... Whatever...


Random Fact #5
One day when I was 15 I just broke down in tears in class.. for no apparent reason, and couldn't stop. The teacher had my "friend" walk me to the counselors office. The counselor told my mother being just a school counselor I would need to find someone I could see on a more regular basis.... So she found be someone else. I started cutting and 12 days before my 16th birthday my counselor told me I could either go to a lock down facilitie near my home.... Or they could take me up state without my permission. I chose to go voluntarilary ;/ I was admitted twice that time 12 days before my 16th birthday and again when I was 17.


Random Fact #6
The moment I turned 18 I moved with my 17 year old "best friend" upstate to stay with her gramother, in a fifthwheel outside her grammas trailer. My friend started seeing ghosts who would "take her over". Her "mother" who had died seven years earlier, woke me two nights in a row... one night telling me I had a "gift" and it would come as I got older.... she then asked me if I had any questions... wellll I was kinda scared shitless... I said no.. Now I sorta wish I'd said yes. LOL. One night in a dead sleep my friend rolled over me (OW) and unlocked the fifthwheel door and barefoot sleptwalk outside on the gravel driveway.... I ran after her.. even though gravel driveways are painful on barefeet.... after she stood at the gate mumbling for a few minutes I was able to guide her back. We stayed at her grammas for about a month, then we moved to Texas to stay with a 40 year old woman neither of us knew (she had met her on-line in sime poetry chatroom so I'v been told..... When The woman picked us up at the airport I was terrified ,, especially when I found she had the type of car where the doors automatically lock after the car starts......... My friend saw ghosts there to ... One night I woke to find her in the living room on the floor in the glow from the computer rocking back and forth reciting the lords prayer. Another night she was iin the kitchen holding the wood knife block, without looking at me and through clenched teeth she asked me to take it from her... I pryed it from her hands... and put it on top of the fridge......


Random Fact #7
We both got jobs at a fastfood resturant. She had the day shift , and I had the nightshift. Most nights I came home to the door locked.. I had a key to one lock, but they would seemingly complete forget about me and latch , bolt and set the alarm ;/ WE ended up getting in some kinda fight.. I don't even remember what it was about...... I was told I would have to move out... so I was pretty much stranded alone halfway across the country. Yet I didn't want to even try to go back home. So I saved up my money and got an apartment actually the young man I met at the fastfood resturant we both worked at "found the apartment"... we were going to be "roommates". We were suppose to go halves on the apartment. He had ended up getting a job somewhere else so we hadn't been working together for about a month. He came to my work and told me how much my "supposed" half of the rent would be.. I gave it to him.. I found out later I paid for everything.... I also found out as we were moving into said apartment (from his friend no less) that he had quit his job. I was in shock.. what the hell!! But I didn't say anything... He started the relationship on a billion lies starting with his age. He stole my money not once not twice but routinely. He did drugs . ectera. You would think this would be enough to end things right there huh?..... I guess it was still better then going back "home".
The first night he asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the livingroom or with me in the bedroom. I wasn't stupid.. I knew what he was asking... I said he could sleep in the bedroom. So thats where we "did it" on the floor in an empty apartment.


Random Fact #8
When I was 14 one day my father was driving me home, when he stopped the truck and took a blade out of a box (the kind ment for boxcutters) and told me to kill him... He repeated his request over and over, while I begged him to just take me home... He finally did.


Random Fact #9
I had a lesbian relationship for one year until I found out she cheated on me and broke up....I was 16.... I ran away for about 2 months.


Random Fact #10
My BF and I were robbed at gunpoint in a Tom Thumb parking lot one winter just before Christmas. Actually my BF was the one that was robbed.. of his 20 dollars. The guy didn't know I had nearly 1000 dollars in the pocket of my leather jacket. I had earlier decided to leave my purse at home ;)


Random Fact #11
One summer I went camping at the beach. I rode a horse bareback, a dog jumped out of the bushes at the side of the trail and spooked the horse, I fell off.... thank God I wasn't trampled. I was kept awake for the"required" hour or so.... you have no idea how badly I wanted to go to sleep.


Random Fact #12
I went camping one year with my mother and her boyfriend and my brothers... The boys had taken over the tent, so I was allowed to sleep in the van with them and my baby brother. My mothers stupid boyfriend put a heater in the van and kept it closed up... I ended up getting carbon monoxide poisoning... while I convulsed and vomited the next day... they cleaned up the campsite to leave.. my mom rolled her eyes kicked me and told me to "put on my shoes".......
LOL if i reminded her of these things now she would say she didn't remember, or that isn't what happened ;/


Random Fact #13
I am exhausted........................... TBC :/

Bored

Baby isn't sleeping .. yet again.. talking up a storm in the bedroom. The BF is sleeping in the kids room... I thought perhaps i'd sleep on the couch... But not ready to fall asleep yet. Not because I'm not tired... The couch is a lil uncomfortable.. and I need to be drop dead exhausted to fall asleep.. beyond drop dead exhausted ;/
I am feeling mildly depressed. Bored maybe. I hate the word "bored". Hate it. There is way to much to do in life to be bored. whether it be the chores or writing you biograghy,.. To much to do for there ever to be boredom. To me boredom is a stand in for words I don't want to use, like; sad,lonely,dissatified,annoyed,angry,restless,HURT,ashamed,lazy,frozen,stupid,tired,misunderstood,confused,stressed,overwhelmed,scared,anxious,unhappy,lethargic,silent,frustrated, ectera. Boredom is a nice empty word that stands in for what is really underneath the surface....
Baby is now crying. He is fed diapered,has played,been cuddled. It is 2A.M. And more than likely like most nights I won't go to sleep till 4 or 5 or 6. Then I'll pretty much be a zombie again... It is so FRUSTRATING. I am angry at myself. I quit smoking 19 months ago. And suddenly started back up smoking again. I don't even like it. Its something to do... with the BF. I have a secret... I personally don't think its a secret.. but no one seems to her me.. or care. Or tell me I feel this way or that way. I hate him. Its never really been any different. But I just somehow some way want to know it won't always be this way. I feel like it is him or no one. I feel alot of things.. most I don't care to type out right now. I guess unless someone really wanted to know ;/
But nobody really cares, so it doesn't really matter. I am getting reallly sleepy now. maybe its time to lay on the couch? Baby is still fussing. The old man in the corner apartment is outside smoking.. and hacking. Its quite sad. And gross and annoying. The hacking echos loudly in the early morning hours. Which he seems to prefer to smoking all night outside. I'm not even sure why he DOES smoke outside. there is no one else living with him except his wife who also smoke, and was taken to the hospital earlier this week. I guess they are trying to protect their cat from lung cancer.... how nice. ;/
Blah... I suppose I'll go check on baby again. Maybe he did a courtesy poop.... the kind to keep him up and have a reason to squall till I come and check on him again after a certain amount of time. I swear my children can piss and poo on command or at least if it so suit them ;/ Yes they are VERY talented....

Zombie

Woke up after maybe an hour of sleep, I see light shining through the crack around the door frame, so I venture out to see who is up raiding the fridge. ... No one. The bathroom light is glaring, and I notice the kitchen light IS on so I go to the kitchen... To find the refridgerator WIDE open and a chair in front of it... but not a soul around... So I put the chair back at the table. Shut the fridge door. Turn off the bathroom light. ANd sit down at the computer with the remainder of the icecream... (A normal night;/ ) (morning?) A few minutes later my sone comes out... Oh so HERES the culprit! AH hah! "Can I go sleep with daddy", he asks.. "wait a minute I answer". Not wanting him to go in our room and wake baby. So he silently disappears. I put the ice cream away turn off the computer and find him in his room in front of the TV with the GameBoy in his hand. Turn it off, I say. He whines. Do you want to come lay down with me or not? He quickly turns everything off and follows me into the bedroom. where we all three squeeze into our queen-size bed. As he fall (quickly ,, he seems to sleep well in mommy and daddy's room) he starts up his jerking. Seizures... He sleeps through them. I can't. The doctor says he is having them pretty much all the time.. As in more often then not. The medicine is STILL not "knocking them out" as the doctor seem to believe it will. *Sigh*.. I still haven't wrapped my head fully around this.... I get up.. and go smoke a cigeratte... irratated with myself... I have been smoking more lately. I dont even like it. It makes me sick .. The taste the smell.. everything... But I guess somewhere in my screwed up head it was once a habit to calm myself and I believe it still should be.. It doesn't calm me.. just makes me ill. Once again I am awake with maybe two hours of sleep ..... it 6:A.M .. really no way I am going back to bed. The alarm goes off at 7:30. So I suppose I will hit the shower and have a cup of coffee.. A much milder version compared to my xtra strength "crack" coffee I kicked my own ass with yesterday. I am exhausted... (hence the lack of any poetic exhertion in this entry) No.. I'm not trying. I'm tired, mildly emotional, and just typing purely for the sake of typing... my new calm. ;) I have more to say... but lack the energy to say it................hopefully I'll be in the mood.. later. :(

Silence

It has been so long. Why is it STILL when i think of you, hear your name, know you are near. My chest still tightens and I get butterflies in my stomach, I still find it hard to breathe. Why am I so pathetic? You were so long ago. I hate you I love you I feel nothing for you. But what exactly is true? I feel there are some connections that just never break... no matter how we might pretend. But I dont ever feel that I could be on the other end of anyone elses memories. So then I just feel like a complete idiot. I am way to old for this shit! I should be long over you. You should be gone gone gone. Even if i do carry a part of you with me everyday. For you I am nothing. Barely a wisp of a memory. Perhaps someone to speak ill of? I feel so stupid for feeling.... at all.. this way.


My entire body hurts tonight. I am tired... but I don't want to lie down. I want to dream. I want to watch the sunset. I want.. someone... I HAVE someone. But I only feel empty with him. I don't feel like we fit. And I feel horrible for it. I try to make myself feel differently.. But then just don't feel anything.
I am ashamed.

I ... we... found out my five year old son is having seizures this week at the neurologists.
I am lost. What exactly am I to do.. where to next? What now?

Release Me

Two sleeping pills and a muscle relaxant... AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! This can't be normal, can it? Can I have some of that shit Micheal took? Anybody? Yeah.. thats what I thought. Baby boy has his EEG tomorrow. I want one too. Maybe I can find out whats wrong with my brain?
Feeling restless, distracted, detached.... Who the hell am I? Bored, waiting. I feel imprisoned within myself, but I try not to bitch to much about it cause it strikes me as whiny. Ha. How can I be SO tired but unable to sleep? I am thinking about buying a bicycle tomorrow... I just want to ride.. wind in my hair down a long hill. be a child for a moment and maybe in that moment everything will click and I will be here again really me.... I know.. I'm talking crazy.. just a little.. I could do better. And really want good is an annoymous blog if you can't be authentically crazy? ANd then perhaps work oneself up to being completely unmasked loony? Ahhh I can wish! ;^) I shall try to crawl back into bed now and see if my brain shall release me?

Fly

Very very tired, but as is the broken litany of my life I cannot sleep. It is four o'clock a.m. I am curious... What does one do if they KNOW what is wrong with them but they DON'T know WHAT to do about, WHERE to go, WHO to see? I need to check if my medical is available... and see a doctor. I'm not well, and I dont know where to begin to change it. Despite the KNOWING I haven't a clue what to DO. Or how to DO it. Feeling stuck and being completely aware is like a hell on earth. Am I even alive? I wouldn't really call myself depressed... some may. I feel more angry and anxious then sad. I feel like I have chains and weights tying me up and dragging me down when I so desperately want to fly. Ahh well I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
Peace&♥
~M