Words

I come and go
Like waves on a shore
and you pay no mind
at all...

I wonder if you'll ever know
Where I go...

Do you care
at all?

Sometimes it gets so lonely here
But I pay no mind
at all...

Those days and nights
of empty silence
Help me to recall...

TBC. maybe.......

Its Today Again

Good-morning world. Slightly anxious this morning... but kinda sorta looking forward to the day too. Different than usual. Later this evening I am taking the train to Tacoma, to see a friend. Tomorrow we will (along with three other girls/ladies? are we getting to old to be "girls"???) will be going to Seattle.
I am anxious.. partly because (well I am ALWAYS anxious);( Partly because this is something I NEVER even get the opportunity to do.. partly because said friend and I have had some... issues? and partly because I look like crap. Which is okay kinda in my normal life.. where I only work in empty houses and come home.... I am pretty much invisable. Which although painful at times.. works out fine.

On another note.. I am frustrated...
Its annoying to see people time and time again getting credit and praise for my ideas...
I don't say much , because.. well I can't take credit for "ideas" .. and I know I am not the only one with said ideas... BUT when I have done something and I know the other person has seen it and than copies.. wellllll. Frustrating.

Silence

I don't really know what to say. I am feeling rather down. Lonely. Not unusual... just kinda unbearable right now. Which I hate. In the back of my head I know I need to push past it.. and just only DO what needs to be done... But I can never do what really needs to be done. Because I can only be frozen.. and if I thaw just a little I am paralyzed just the same.

I think I must be a awful person.
But I'm not quite sure how... or why...

But it must be so.

And I hate myself for even putting this out there.

......

Nothing Lasts Forever

30 minutes sleep.. yay me. -_- So listening to bebe talk in his crib.. wish I could sleep through it. Fortunely I'm not to exhausted at the moment. So thats good. Sometimes I am so exhausted, murdering everyone sounds like a real option. Feeling a lil low.. And that I am pretty sure involves my continous lack of sleep. So here I am once again. I'm sure I was missed ;p yep theres that resondant chorus of crickets...

4 a.m; this hour is reserved for the graveyard shift, druggies and other nocturnal weirdos.. ;)

I guess I'll take a shower, make some tea, and possibly paint...

Haunted

Ever since I was young I have made up names for books in my head... the title is very important; the way it sounds, feels, tastes.. what picture it brings to mind... a title can make you imagine the whole story in a few words. When I was much (much) younger I use to write.. stories, poems... diaries. I still journal every once in while.. when I am upset or worried. But I haven't let my imagination take control in a long time. Not at least in the form of a story. Its one of those many things that get put on the back burner. People say when you are a artist or a writer you can't help but do your passion. Create. I say that isn't true. Then I would be told I must be depressed.. I'm not depressed. I am tired. Worried. Overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like am always waiting ... and believe me I HATE that. Because there is only NOW; and I am more than aware of this. I KNOW what I need to do. I WANT to do it. I just feel frozen... putting everything in order of SOMEONE elses importance... This isn't living... But ..... so overwhelmed!! I don't need anything explained to me... I understand... I am quite bright, regardless of what you or anyone else for that matter may see, or think. I need.......... to be understood. That strangely enough helps... me ... move. That might sound odd... But I never claimed to be normal.

Night Owl

The baby has slept through the night for the last four nights; and so have I. But tonight I haven't been able to sleep... I am very tired. But I am sad and melencholy and all these silly stupid things are going through my head.... Old stuff new stuff... And as if by some psyhic awareness, the baby woke up. I gave him a warm bottle and laid him back down. I think his cough is keeping him awake. We took him to the doctor about two weeks ago after he had had this cough for nearly three weeks.. it was just a slight cough and only at night.. but it has gotten worse and has been hanging on for over a month now. I don't believe that is "cool" for a baby. He is only one so I can't give him any cough medicine.... I feel so bad.. I am thinking I will take him into urgency care tomorrow.... Soo finally every is asleep... the bigger kids included... I am the only one awake. But I feel uncomfortable... and unsafe. I don't know why. Just a strange paranoia I get sometimes.. because I can't control everything and the bottom can fall out at any given moment and I'll have nothing to hang on to. SO I can't close my eyes.... As if it would make any difference. I am lonely.... I hate to admit that... Admitting such things to me is shameful and weak. I sit here exhausted.. asking unaswerable questions in my head.. driving myself crazy. I need to go to sleep....

Bummer

Somedays, sometimes.. I just don't know which way is up and which way is down. So tired, overwhelmed. But even in the darkness there are always these little islands of light. Things I should and AM greatful for. I just feel like I am being pulled in two directions and not sure how to feel. Like crying and and feeling blessed. I believe I am somewhat in the grips of PMS also at the moment which may also be adding to the colors on the palette. There isn't just "black and white" but all these varying shades of grey. I am cold, and my entire body hurts. And a little sick of myself.... Sick of thinking to much.... not ever DOING enough. Sick of waiting, sick of being scared, sick of being hurt, Sick of feeling stuck. One thing after another... So very tired. I don't remember signing on for "Intensive Life Studies 101". I need to speak to the guidance counselor about changing my course studies to "Lucky Bastard, And "Easy Street". I am told that there are amazing oppurtunities for those who don't flunk out of this course.... But the "flunk out" rate is still pretty high. Somedays.... I'm just not sure I want to "stay the course"... :/ ;p :(