Cloudy

I am feeling... very strange. Not bad per se. Almost .... drunk. But i'm not. I did a load of dishes and made a pot of coffee, and I am now sitting here at my computer with a large white mug of delicious coffee at my side. I am ... a little sleepy... but I don't really want to sleep yet. I think I will take a shower, and see how I feel from there.
I actually feel quite good.. slightly anxious.. because there is much to do tomorrow and I am not sure how its all going to sort itself out.
And.. I'm feverish hot. Its so HOT! Its not really hot. Its just me....
Its hard to breathe.

Lullabye

Four O'F'n Clock in the A.M. I went and laid down and STILL couldnt fall asleep. So-oo I got myself some icecream and oreos..... because everyone knows when you can't sleep eat lots of fat and suger ;/ *sigh*
Lol.. Silly Me. So I'v taken my melatonin and am typing my lullabye at the moment... I am SOoo sleeeppy!! Hopefully this next time will be the charm? Gah,.. what is WRONG with me! :) its hot (to me, probably slight fever from being sick) and I can't seem to get comfortable. I want a temper-pedic. Or any ol memory foam mattress..... But I need some money honey, baby I need some cash.... Lol.. yeah... I am stinkin exhausted! Lets try this one again?! Night-O :)

Time

Super sleepy, yawning. But I wasn't FALLING asleep. So I'v come out do my routine (so it seems)nightly blog. Must help? My darling Man-love went to the store and bought me some Vicks 44 which seems to be working quite well. Unlike the Nyquil. Who knew? I feel pretty good aside from the swaying when I stand up.. like an old drunk. Lol. So-o today was mothers birthday. I chose not to say anything. I feel only the slightest bit guilty. But really nothing.. a little sadness, hurt anger... but mostly nothing. Freedom.. joy.. growth.. release. Better. Good. Everything -is -good!
AND.. I think with that.... I AM ready for bed :)

Ants

The Boyfriend got me a bacon and bleu burger from Wendy's. (My fave burger all time) But my throat was to sore. So-o a few minutes ago I got up to heat it in the microwave for a few seconds............and..........its covered with ants! WTF! I'm so pissed, GROSS for one and Fuckdamnshit!!! I am so SICK of ants. Of course.. i try to count my blessings.. ants to me are a million times better then the cockroaches I had to deal with in Texas. Eww..
SO yeah. I took a advil Pm and a melatonin.. and am pretty much swaying from exhaustion.. but I found myself just lying in bed.... so here I am... hopefully after my "cleansing" blog entry, I'll be able to fall asleep?
I'm SIckk! feel like total crapp! *sigh*
My moms birthday is today. I have been going back and forth with myself about whether or not to send her a card at least.. or a "happy birthday" text (like I recieved ;/) Or just continue the silence. I don't want to act immature about the whole thing. I feel this "split" is good for me. the best ..... for right now. And I am leaning towards just not saying any thing as we haven't spoken in a month now. I just ... don't want to seem.. or be.. taken as bitter or vengeful. Because I'm not. I'm sad.. and hurt. But like I said I think this is for the best right now.
AND.. I'm really thirsty. Lol.
I would like a vat of iced coffee with vanilla creamer. :)
But.. I'v settled for orange juice. I'v heard its suppose to help colds.. but I believe that is only if you add vodka or something.. ;p
Think maybe I am ready to go to sleep now...................................

Sick And Tired

I am sick. Sick and exhausted ans feverish. Couldnt sleep although I can barely think straight and have to keep retyping everything because I am spelling everything wrong ... My fingers won't hit the right keys~ :/
I got up to get a drink and take a melatonin tab. Thinking maybe that might help. Its sooo hot.. but its just me. I had chills ealier. I went to Facebook.. obviously only to torture myself ;/ to check my ex's and my moms profiles.... SO VERY LAME!! Arrgghhhh! What is WRONG with me??!! Sometimes I think about just deleteing my profile.. I mean really.. who would notice or care? And "no" I not being depressed or anything.. I am serious.
Uhg.. I think I am going to try bed again. Very sleepy.

Just Me

I have GOT to stop this!!I try really hard to be positive.... the whole "fake it till you make it" positive out look. Just BE happy.... Blah blah blah. But right now I'm feeling pretty down. I started that wonderful time of the month every woman between certain ages enjoy. So I KNOW.. why I'm having such a hard time to some degree. But I dont entirely think my feelings are B.S. I just think sometimes the whole feeling are brought to the fore front and felt more intensly because of what may be going on with the body.. not that said feeling have no meaning.... Lol ;/
Anywho.. the worse I feel the usually more cryptic I become. Its like I'm ashamed to be hurting so much....
I usually blog or write at all when I am feeling down.. So I know I sound like I'm in the depths of despair at almost all times. But I'm really not that bad. I have been light years worse.. Lol.
I'v been thinking I need to blog and write more when I'm not feeling like utter shit. I have a notebook I write and keep my dreams ect in.. But i need to be more deligent about it. Writing when I'm sad or hurting is a tool I'v used for a long time.. to getthe feelings out.. sometimes or cpourse they just keep coming.. and seem to be no end.. till I am more able to just stop the flow, but not empty the vault.... more crypticness, lol ;p
At least I'm smiling a little now :) I can still make myself laugh a lil ;p
thats always good right?

Silly Me

ANother bad night. I want to scream silently in to the pillows and tear the couch to shreds with my nails. Instead I tore up my skin and have blood under my nails.... I am So-o tired.. I sat in bed barely able to keep my eyes open or hold my head up,, yet I can't sleeep. Everyone else is asleep.. so I have no excuses at the moment. I want to cry .... I want to sleep.... NOW.
I haven't heard from my father in 3 months on the 1st. And my mother will be three weeks this weekend. Boyfriend is talking about moving. A different apartment In-Town that is nicer. I fantasize about moving and nobody knowing where I'm at. Not needing anyones help.....
i check my moms facebook.. but it hurts.. I don't know why I do.
I'm obsessed with checking my ex's (sons father)... But even though its an obsession .. and I check his multiple times a day. I feel better. It kinda makes me laugh. And realize it wasn't my fault......
I'm losing my mind... or maybe just more..... haven't I always begged for this? It doesn't seem to make any difference.
I'm going to try to sleep again.
Funny.. I believe I'v felt worse in the past.... I'm really not as bad as it sounds.. I'v just figured out how to get the words out a little better now then I had then.... To think I was worse though..............................