Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Work In Progress

3:24 a.m. I'm Tired. I'm angry. Mainly because I'm tired and my boyfriend can't seem to keep his eyes open .... to finish feeding baby....
We have this weird thing , he can't seem to keep himself awake and I .. well I can't seem to fall asleep. And I hate him for it. I find him weak .....
Today was another F'ed up kind of day. I did get my computer. Yay! But the car (our only vehicle) went belly up. done for the count. D-E-A-D Dead. So we are getting another car (used) Blah. ubfortunately we aren't going to be able to get to work tomorrow. (ThankGOD we are self-employed) All the same I'm not super keen on losing money. Espcially when we have to make such big purchases.

So-o I am having one of those roller coaster things where I want to scream rant rave cry have a full blown pity party, (but I know better) SOOOOo I talk my self back up out of the pit of utter dispair. (breathe... its really not all THAT bad!) It will be JUST FINE.. just had a LITTLE ADVENTURE thrown in! Yay for adventures! Blah.

Ye-ah. Ahh Woo.. (breathing) I am blessed! Really I am ! I truely DO believe that. Just sometimes I buy into that whole fairy tale theory where its all suppose to be perfect. What FUN WOULD THAT BE? ;) Its TRUELY all about the way you percieve things... and well sometimes my vision get wonky, between "yeah its cool man, peace!" and "Why Me"? ****STRESSED*** ;) I'm a work in progress.

On another topic my Facebook started working again earlier today and then stopped this evening. Thou givith and thou taketh away....

:)Blessings & Goodnight ♥

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

4 a.m

I think my computer knows I am SO over it. ;) Tomorrow I am going to purchase my first ever BRAND NEW computer!!! Whos excited? }THIS GIRL{ So-o its fifteen minutes till four in the morning. Just got baby FINALLY laid down, and seemingly quiet.... So I too should be off to bed. Strangely.. I'm craving coffee.... ;)
By the way... Thanks to all my new followers! I love reading all of your blogs!

Monday, April 26, 2010

New Day

So-o. Yesterday sucked. But yesterday is gone ;) I got a new camera today. I am so-ooo excited!!! I am trying not to think about HOW MUCH it was. I don't normally spend that kind of money on myself.. in one day! So deep breathing. I -am-happy! I am annoyed that my facebook is screwing up STILL. I cant leave comments or status updates.. Sucks! Uhg .... So-o tired, got very little sleep last night, but we are off tomorrow!!

So I am off to go explore all the features of my new love ;)



I'm having a more fucked up night then usual... or is this usual? I lay in bed picking myself raw, and grinding my teeth... After about oh two hours.. of this I got up and went to the kitchen feeling famished. But we have nothing to eat so I am picking at marinated artichoke hearts in a little glass jar and eatting plain croutons and water. Ye-ah. I checked my facebook, nobodys "talked" to me at all today. Don't I feel loved... My mother pulled some more of her shit. I'll try to ignore it.. I'm not doing a very good job of it. I am so tired, and so tired and not being able to sleep. I'v gotten use to it.. as much as one can. But I feel like *s*h*i*t. I want to delete my mother off my facebook, but it seems kinda juvinile. At least I was able to delete my Ex. I was pretty proud of myself about that. Yeah okay I still go and check his page, but give me a break... He IS my sons father. Even if everyone wants to forget this little fact.... I need to go lay down. Hopefully I'll fall asleep this time. Normally I lay down, no matter how tired I am, my eyes pop open and I start clawing at myself. I am a wreck. I hide it well. To well. Please please just let me conpletely lose it in the middle of the grocery store. Please? I want to be hauled away in a ambulance and knocked out........

I was put in a locked mental facility when I was a teenager. Twice.... I want to sleep. And I want someone to see... I'm a mess. Blah... Off to try to sleep again.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I Hate You

I hate you. I HATE YOU. I Hate YOU. Sometimes I just want to say it.. because its going through my head. I don't want to feel it. But I do.

I am feeling like crying again.. I am.

I am in my own personal hell. And entirely alone. I am ashamed of myself anyway....

Back to dinner.....

Feeling Good

I stuck a roast (& veggies) in the crockpot this morning, and it is smelling dee-li-cious! Put a bottle of merlot in the fridge to chill. Yum! Last night I made devilsfood cupcakes with whippedcream frosting and chocolate sprinkles. Their gone ;) Thanks to the kiddos and their friends. But that makes me happy! Feeling pretty good right now. I need to (want to) tidy up the livingroom a bit so I can actually walk across the floor without stumbling on boxes (in the middle of trying to go through and get rid of a massive amount of STUFF.) This is a big dream/goal of mine. I am sick and tired of so much STUFF, clutter. There are things I love that are being put aside because of the clutter and mess. Its unhealthy,and its making me unhappy. I feel like the bulk of this process is being left to me.. which makes it kinda of difficult, but plugging away.. feels lilke its taking forever. And sometimes it feels like a struggle with my boyfriend, ectera. But I am serious about it. I need this. It is making my anxiety problems worse. It is taking up residense inside my brain, and it is an unwelcome guest. This clutter is EVICTED! ;) I want to breathe!!!!!!

I want to feel happy and at peace when I walk through my door. I want to be able to have people come over and be PROUD of my home, and what it says about me.... I can DO THIS. And I think it will actually be a breakthrough in other areas of my life to. Mental, weight, anxiety, ectera. So enough blogging for now eh?! I should do a bit of "clearing my head"!

An Introduction

I just finished editing and updating my profile. I noticed I sound a little like a new-age hippy.(smiles) And maybe I am, or maybe I want to be...

I am sitting here now, with my secound cup of coffee, feeling better now, a little. When I first logged in about ten minutes ago, I came here because I was feeling like crying again. Invisable, angry, jealous, forgotten, misunderstood, ectera ectera. I had another bad night last night. Not the insomnia , which is everynight. Last night I had an attack.. I scratched my arms raw, screaming silently so I wouldnt bring any attention to myself. Because I knew nobody at the moment cared. I had/have no one. No one to turn to. No one to understand. My first thought at times like those is "Mom". But I'v grown to know she isn't there. Its taken decades to have this pounded in my head.. and to much pain. I guess I'v clung while she has tried to shake me off maybe? She may be around physically, but not emotionally for me. I have no real friends that care. And my boyfriend doesnt understand or know....

My chest is starting to clench up again.. Deep breaths.. I am trying to get past this now. It is an overwhelming job for me. Especially since I am completely alone in it. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean in a rowboat with one paddle.. going in circles. But I am strong. I know I am.. sometimes to strong. Sometimes I just wish I could completely come apart so someone would HAVE to notice. So I can get a ways in my little rowboat... it is just hard and slow and monotonous... and lonely.

I made this blog about a week or two ago, along with a new E-mail address. Its my secret. I have another blog... and E-mail address.....

;) I am going to go take a shower now... I like this.. I feel a bit better now. A little cleansed... perhaps?