More Breathing Exercises

Freaking out. stresssssed. Frazzeled. Overwhelmed. Anxiety.
o.v.e.r.m.o.n.e.y.
That age old love/hate relationship.
Tension headache. Trying to ... just.breathe.
I just want to crawl in a dark hole.And cry.
How is it that the most simple things can seem/be so hard and seem so out-of-reach?
I feel guilty. Like there is something I can do...and I'm just not doing it. And that something is so easy. But I am completely powerless to achieve it.
My entire body aches. I have been sick for so long I don't even remember what its like to really be healthy. Have to go now. Do laundry. Go through the sorry motions that is my life. I'm alright. I'm okay. I am blessed. Really. Really I am.

2a.m

I am bored.
I know I am bored, because I have ended up here; typing. And I only come here when A. I am upset,depressed,ect
B.Inspired
C.BORED (and have exhausted my two dozen times logging in and out on Facebook& Flickr, with a couple visits to Craigslist.)
Around 8:30 this evening we noticed kid#2 had a strange rash on his stomach and sides so "Man" took him to the E.R to get it checked out. It is now 1:30 in the morning and he just called to say they have still yet to see a Dr.
*Sigh*
Kid#1 & #3 are both asleep in kid#1's bed. Even though Kid#3 needs to be moved to his crib. They looked too sweet (I.e still & silent) to disturb. I tried napping on the couch. But just felt restless. So here I am in the dark... typing.

Nothing on the tube. (no cable and its after 1am)
Contemplating doing another layer on my painting. Which sounds promising. Making some tea sounds kinda soothing too. Or maybe some coffee. Yes I know its nearly 2 in the morning but my schedule is quite languid. We have a two hour (easy) job in th eA.m and then no work till Tuesday... So even if I did stay up all night it wouldn't matter to much. I'd just take a nap after work tomorrow. I love that freedom. I swing between feeling blessed and anxious. Because an open schedule also means little or no work and little or no work means little or no money. But somehow we get by. *blessed*
I would truely love to do something more with my creative talents to make a living. *Dream* But seems (feels) pretty plausible (real) to me. I think it can(will) happen. So horror of horrors; I just went to get myself some icecream and saw *GASP* the MAN got Vanilla!!! JUST Vanilla! not vanilla bean/ french vanilla! WHAT WAS HE THINKING??!!!!! This is unacceptable! WHO is this ANIMAL that I have shared my bed with??? This will have to be rectifyed immedietly! Must go now............

Not Knot

Time to make coffee... time to begin the day... time. time. time.
I am feeling down. Blah. blah. As in my money saving martyring skills are very lively.
My birthday is in four days. And I think I should have a few of the things I tell myself "no" to on a daily basis. Nothing huge. Mostly the kinds of things most women take for granted in the daily routine of basic care for themselves. I said "Basic". As in make-up and some new underwear sans holes....
I saw some pretty things in a on-line beads and charms jewelry shop. And thought maybe I could treat myself to one of those trinkets. At a whopping 24 dollars maybe it could be a birthday/valentines gift? ;)
But immedietly I went to work at denying myself. I.e who am I kidding.. what a waste to put something so pretty on something so hidious! So now throughly feeling a bit teary but saving myself 24 dollars!!!! I will "treat" myself to a cup (perhaps a few sips) of coffee before work.....

Words

I come and go
Like waves on a shore
and you pay no mind
at all...

I wonder if you'll ever know
Where I go...

Do you care
at all?

Sometimes it gets so lonely here
But I pay no mind
at all...

Those days and nights
of empty silence
Help me to recall...

TBC. maybe.......

Its Today Again

Good-morning world. Slightly anxious this morning... but kinda sorta looking forward to the day too. Different than usual. Later this evening I am taking the train to Tacoma, to see a friend. Tomorrow we will (along with three other girls/ladies? are we getting to old to be "girls"???) will be going to Seattle.
I am anxious.. partly because (well I am ALWAYS anxious);( Partly because this is something I NEVER even get the opportunity to do.. partly because said friend and I have had some... issues? and partly because I look like crap. Which is okay kinda in my normal life.. where I only work in empty houses and come home.... I am pretty much invisable. Which although painful at times.. works out fine.

On another note.. I am frustrated...
Its annoying to see people time and time again getting credit and praise for my ideas...
I don't say much , because.. well I can't take credit for "ideas" .. and I know I am not the only one with said ideas... BUT when I have done something and I know the other person has seen it and than copies.. wellllll. Frustrating.

Silence

I don't really know what to say. I am feeling rather down. Lonely. Not unusual... just kinda unbearable right now. Which I hate. In the back of my head I know I need to push past it.. and just only DO what needs to be done... But I can never do what really needs to be done. Because I can only be frozen.. and if I thaw just a little I am paralyzed just the same.

I think I must be a awful person.
But I'm not quite sure how... or why...

But it must be so.

And I hate myself for even putting this out there.

......

Nothing Lasts Forever

30 minutes sleep.. yay me. -_- So listening to bebe talk in his crib.. wish I could sleep through it. Fortunely I'm not to exhausted at the moment. So thats good. Sometimes I am so exhausted, murdering everyone sounds like a real option. Feeling a lil low.. And that I am pretty sure involves my continous lack of sleep. So here I am once again. I'm sure I was missed ;p yep theres that resondant chorus of crickets...

4 a.m; this hour is reserved for the graveyard shift, druggies and other nocturnal weirdos.. ;)

I guess I'll take a shower, make some tea, and possibly paint...