Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Two sleeping pills and a muscle relaxant... AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! This can't be normal, can it? Can I have some of that shit Micheal took? Anybody? Yeah.. thats what I thought. Baby boy has his EEG tomorrow. I want one too. Maybe I can find out whats wrong with my brain?
Feeling restless, distracted, detached.... Who the hell am I? Bored, waiting. I feel imprisoned within myself, but I try not to bitch to much about it cause it strikes me as whiny. Ha. How can I be SO tired but unable to sleep? I am thinking about buying a bicycle tomorrow... I just want to ride.. wind in my hair down a long hill. be a child for a moment and maybe in that moment everything will click and I will be here again really me.... I know.. I'm talking crazy.. just a little.. I could do better. And really want good is an annoymous blog if you can't be authentically crazy? ANd then perhaps work oneself up to being completely unmasked loony? Ahhh I can wish! ;^) I shall try to crawl back into bed now and see if my brain shall release me?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Very very tired, but as is the broken litany of my life I cannot sleep. It is four o'clock a.m. I am curious... What does one do if they KNOW what is wrong with them but they DON'T know WHAT to do about, WHERE to go, WHO to see? I need to check if my medical is available... and see a doctor. I'm not well, and I dont know where to begin to change it. Despite the KNOWING I haven't a clue what to DO. Or how to DO it. Feeling stuck and being completely aware is like a hell on earth. Am I even alive? I wouldn't really call myself depressed... some may. I feel more angry and anxious then sad. I feel like I have chains and weights tying me up and dragging me down when I so desperately want to fly. Ahh well I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sooo restless. Find myself wandering aimlessly. Checking in repeatedly to Facebook (LAME).. So I decided to come here.. type my nerves down to a low buzz. My five year old son has been having some weird issues. Started a couple months ago with a one time occurance of strange jerking spasms in his arms that he couldn't control. He said his head hurt.. and just seemed out of it. A couple days ago it happened again. So now I'm scared, as the twitching seems to be happening more frequently. He has a EEG scheduled for later this week. I on the slight possibility contacted his bio-father for any family medical info. He still denies its his.. or tells me I DONT KNOW. I DO KNOW. He doesn't seem to. I have no question in my mind. Unless my son was a virgin birth.. HES the father... as he is the only one (if I can be so crude but honest) that I was having sex with. He was the only one I was with Even after we broke up. (Just before I found I was pregnant) I didn't sleep with anyone else until I was two months pregnant. When My daughters father and I got back together. Up until I was two months pregnant he wasnt even in the same state as I was! It is so frustrating. I have no reason to lie! I don't need anything from them (mu sons bio family). but I am, honest and it bothers me so much to have this continue.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I have noticed, for some reason(unknown to me) I can't sleep when he is in the room. Regardless of how tired I maybe, or how well I had been sleeping previous to him coming in. I lay in the dark and stare at shadows on the wall, feeling strangly static. I can't seem to concentrate, or relax. I feel stiff and my brain is constantly jumping as does my heart in my chest. Its so strange. I'v tried a technique called "focusing"... but still "jump" as hard as I try to concentrate. I tried to just focus on my finger ... moving.. couldn't. I feel... on guard. Like I am constantly in the middle of a battle field, and I have to watch my back, because no one else will. I don't want to blame him. He is not as horrible as I may make him out to be. But he lies about the dumbest things (like him smoking)... Yes, I do get irratated and maybe have words ;/... But lies? That just makes me wonder what else he may lie about. I treasure honesty and openness. And while I don't think him a horrible person. And he is a very loving father to the children, even the one that isn't biologicaly his. I don't feel he is right for me? And that makes me feel awful. Sad. Lost. Stuck. Confused. Frozen. Mean. Selfish. Like I'm not trying hard enough, to... make myself.. different. I feel like he is the one the universe has given me, and he is loyal, and loving, and ... probably tries his best. And I am just a rotten person, for that not being enough. For feeling so alone. And misunderstood. I flinch when he touches me. I laugh it off (Oh that tickles).... I am so lonely. But I have this beautiful family, I am blessed... even when its hard, I know that... Am I really just a terrible person?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Someday, I will not have these worries. Everything in my life now, will be gone. Someday these pains and sadnesses will be a memory. But also will be my joys and gifts of today. Someday, I will have no wee one to keep me up at night. I will have no soft little hand to hold, no sweet gummy smile. And while all may worries of losing now .. the future will soon come to either take from me.. give to me, or prove my worries of loss null. In any variation, ... it will be. My worries sadness , anxieties... won't have mattered but to have aged me, and make me ill. Someday, I may have some or everything of what I prayed and hoped and dreamed and shed tears and sweat for. But I will have given other things in return. Life is loss, but it is not without its gifts. Letting the pain take the lead to happiness will only make me bitter. While concentrating on all I have even if it may be little (and it is not.. little) Will bring joy to shine over every corner and cast the shadows away. I am blessed. I have been granted an amzing gift and what I learn/take from it will make all the difference. I will walk with grace. I will speak with kindness. I will be strong. I will be brave. I will believe. I will be patient. I will do what I can now, with what gifts I have now. I will love. I will forgive. I will do my best to not blame others for their human weaknesses, and what pain they may cause me. What I do with any situration is my choice.
Goodnight, and sweetest dreams :) May peace, love, joy and faith always be near.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My eyes hurt, my head hurts, I'v been crying off and on all day. I am tired, and, sad, and angry and hurt. Overwhelmed, anxious, stressed. I can't sleep, and I really just wish there was someone who loved me understood me and gave a damn. Someone who could listen, someone who would talk to me, and a hug. But i don't want a hug from someone who lies to me, hurts me,doesn't hear me.... And that seems to be my only option. So I'd rather be alone. It a bit after seven o'clock, on a Sunday. I am thinking about making some coffee... sounds kinda good, and a little comforting. Later I may take a walk to the church and sit on the benches in the court yard by the steel cross. Alone.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'v felt so aimless... drowning. My chest constantly in a vice. Tired... no exhausted. I don't love the person I'm with. I have tried to tell myself he is "my best friend", to make up for the lack of loving feeling I do not have.. but even that doesnt work. I am sad. I can't sleep at night. My heart feels like it spasms when I try. I keep plodding along doing what I feel I must... watching time go by. Quickly.
Tonight was shit. For I think the third time in as many years I was called by a police switchboard to tell me that my "boyfriend" had been stopped and his license is expired? or something... I haven't really talked to him about it all yet... I don't really want to.... But I need to.. later. So excellent like we have money for this kind of crap.... He is SO FUCKING STUPID!... I HATE HIM! okay.. really need to get that out. Still do. But that will do for the time being ;/
So-o after feeding the kids dinner... I took the keys off the hook by the door and just walked out. I DREAM of just walking out and NEVER coming back. But .. not tonight.
No.. tonight I just slid each key pointy end out between each finger, making a makeshift weapon... and walked.
Across and out of the parking lot of our apartments, across the field with the old abandoned brick welding building with the boarded up windows, across the street where the truckers park their eighteen wheelers , into the church parking lot... I sat down at a dark back door behind a bunch of trees in the dark and just watched the cars on the road, and the clouds moving across the sky. And breathed.. it was the first time in a very long time my chest didn't feel so tight. After about thirty minutes I walked around the church building and found a little court yard with a bell tower and a tall metal cross and four stone benches around the sides. I laid on one of the benches, surprisely the stars were very bright here. Afterward I got up and walked back home. I tucked the kids in.... who had been worried about me.. (:(
And that has been my night. Back home.. back in knots....