Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tried to go back to sleep... couldn't. Lay in bed for an hour or two.. until the room started to lighten and the birds began chirping outside. Hoping I can steal a nap later. Don't need to be at work for at least another three hours. I made coffee. scrolled the page up and down on Facebook looking for something or someone to entertain me. Checked out the "Free" section on CraigsList. Realized I had made friends with all the "wrong" people in highschool... somehow. I befriended the rebel out cast "older brothers/sisters that didn't even go to highschool with me.. later I found out I had went to highschool with "friends" younger (my age) siblings. How did I do that? Wasn't trying... I'm just strange like that....
I hate being tired and not being able to sleep.... I end up in this good-for -nothing lethargic state lacking energy to do anything.. yet unable to sleep. So I'm just lazy and good-for-nothing... I can't stand it! Why is it so hard for me to sleep!?!? If I had medical I'd go to the docter.. but alas I do not. Blah. I'm tired of being tired....
I want to fly away...............................................................
So,,, I found out I'm nearly three-hundred dollars in the hole at the bank today. Strangely enough.. I'm still breathing and pretty calm. I'm not sure how I managed that one,, but I'm grateful to the universe for keeping me tied up and in one piece. ;/
I went to bed tonight around 11:thirty, with the aid of some PM med but only dozed it off and found myself awake at 2:thirty. So I am here now... contemplating going back to bed. I ate half a bag of popcorn and some water w/ crystal light.
I can't believe how "relatively" calm I feel. Nice.. for once.
I think... unless it is only a "calm before the storm".. or I am just "in the eye" ;/
I know how we age now... I know how we get old.... Sometimes there is just to much LIFE. I am going back to bed now..... Goodnight ;)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
So-o, yesterday my mum has my brother text me.. I didn't respond. And today she has my brother call... I didn't respond. Then my brother shows up at my door with a bag of summer clothes from the childrens resale store. Two outfits for each of the kids. Nice right? Gah. Frustrated, exasperated, anxious, confused, annoyed,... Did I say frustrated? I'm sure I sound like a complete disrespectful ungrateful (I'v been called that before.... )Bitch. I'm not ......really. I'm not.....
I have to do this.... because....
She has always made me feel worthless... in action and word. But I watch her complement and praise ectera others.... Its hurt and I'v felt frozen.. depressed, lost, alone, unlovable.... and always always like something was wrong with me. If I can't... or don't have somebody ELSE to believe in me... well whatever.. what I need to do is believe in MYSELF,, and that is why I am ..... why I HAVE to do this right now. I need to know regardless... that I have the power to change to be who I always was, before I slowly withered and froze, and shrunk into myself. Over time my sadness and pain has twisted into more agressive anger and bitterness.... I don't like it but I must admit I prefer it over the feeling of complete powerlessness.. that I am retarded, lazy and not good enough. I believed it... even though another part of me was screaming it wasn't true. The contradictions made me crazy , made my head ache... and its been going on for nearly three decades. ...... I need a break from this for a moment ;^)
Welll, its Saturday. Yesterday was an emotional trainwreck for me, and I am feeling wrung out this morning. BF is working today, so I have the three darlings home with me today. Hope it goes smoothly, that is without me losing my mind balled up in a corner crying and rocking back and forth. In my dream life, I would be able to get some (alot?) of cleaning done today while keeping the children happy and entertained, and no parents knocking on the door saying my kids and their kids have gotten in some kind of disagreement (i.e fight) I reallllly can not handle parents knocking at my door... it makes my homicidal urges (which are dangerously close to the surface right now) FLARE! my mother had my brother text me yesterday asking if she could take the kids for a few hours today... any other time I would of literally JUMPED at the idea... especially knowing I was to have all three of them alone today.. all day. Goes to show how serious I am about this... situration.... to me at least. Well, I am going to go start the coffee ... and do some cleaning in the kitchen ;/ (BELIEVING IN MYSELF ;0))
Friday, June 18, 2010
Blah.... Facebook makes me feel like shit. Why do I keep going back? Glutton for punishment.... Like a virtual peeping tom.... pathetic really. Gah. Obsessed. But a majority of the time I come away feeling like I secretly ate the whole cake .. alone in the closet and I want to vomit and cry. What is WRONG WITH ME!!!??? :(
(I'v been asking that one for, well, forever)
Its Five:Thirty! AND I slept through the night!!!!!! YAYhoo!!!! I've noticed (to my chagrin);) That the earlier I go to bed (last night was about 8:30) the better and longer I sleep. Unfortunately, Its just not feasible for me to go to bed at 8:30 everynight :(. What a conundrum. :( Wellll... I'm up bright and early and rested! On a FRIDAY no less! With plenty (two and a half hours :) of time for a leisurely shower and coffee. Its gonna be a GREAT day!!!! And I'm so much HAPPIER when I've had sleep. Able to manage stress better. Lack of sleep really destroys me. Its horrible. And it sucks I'm not able to do something about it on a regular basis. Because it wrecks havoc on everything in my life...
Haha, GREAT DAY? I ended up pretty much having a meltdown in the basement guest bedroom of a clients house... (thankfully they weren't home ;).. otherwise I wouldn't have had the luxury of my screaming tearful escapade..... I would of had to scream silently in the bathroom ;)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Once again... 3 a.m. The baby woke soaking wet and needed to be tended to. changed and fed a lil and laid back down. He is in the crib now talking to himself, while I wait. I am EXHAUSTED. I haven't yet fallen asleep, although I'v been in bed for about two hours. In that horrible semi "doze" state. Exhausted but my brain refuses to release my body.
I was (once again) disappointed beyond belief today. (Yesterday?) We have a client EVERY Wednesday who canceled because she will be out of the country. I thought Yay! now we will be able to take the kids to daycare (Already Scheduled day) and FINALLY get to go out (boyfriend and I ) alone and do SOMETHING (we were planninng on Finally going on our hiking trip that was ripped away last month) (We have never actually gone on a date.)
So.. he comes home today after taking our daughter to karate class and breaks the news to me that our daycare is throwing us some shit and we dont have any care at this time. WHAT?!?!?! AGAIN?!?! I just bit my lip for about ten minutes trying to act normal and hold myself together while in the guise of watching jeopardy on TV. After a few minutes I went into the bedroom and laid down.. still trying not to cry.. I did... just a little. And then got control of myself and went to Target to get diapers. AND because I was in a disappointed heartbroken funk .. spent $90 on bath supplies ;p (body wash, lotion, ect) and a grey T-shirt with feathers printed on it (on clearance, Lol) Didn't really make me feel better.. Well maybe just a little :/
Wellll I just am at a loss for words....
I'm going to bed. :(
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I hadn't realized I have been gone for nearly a WEEK! My Oh MY!! I had thought it had just been like.. the weekend.. and maybe Friday. ;) Honestly though completely losing track of "Blog Time", for me is probably a GOOD THING... since I normally use my blog to "air out" my "painful,Dirty Laundry". ;p
I'm ... "O.K". Feeling Pretty Good. It IS 3:00 in the morning , and once again I am AWAKE!
My mom e-mailed me on Facebook (Nice Right?) :) saying that deleting me from her page wasnt meant to say she wasn't "talking to me" and asking if I was ready "To talk". ... I have truely been meaning to write her back the last 3ish days....But I'm not quite sure what to say.. I'm not even to the "first draft" stage. I'm not "Ready To Talk". But I don't mean to be rude or disresptful... I never had meant for it to seem that way. If that is how it was meant to her. But for the sake of my growth and independence and well solidarity in finding me and my personal happiness , I don't think (sadly) it is in mine (or anyones) best interest to "Talk" right now. I'v already been done THAT road.. and it ends at "NO Good". I'm not really quite sure just yet how to put it down in words just yet. Honestly I'm not really thinking about it all that much,, because it feels SO much better to be free from always feeling like stupid useless shit that "can't do anything right, or at all" Or "A retard". Anyways.......... I REALLY need to get to bed. I should be back sooner.. rather then later :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I'm having a seriously crappy day. Its purely emotional, because there isn't any (new) reason for it. But regardless, I'm feeling sad and depressed and teary. Some anger and envy and jealousy and hurt... ectera. Fear? Loneliness? I barely want to write(blog). I don't know what I want. Nothing I can actually have,... so I guess I am not even trying to think about what might make it better, because there is nothing.
I feel fat and ugly and without a friend in the world. I try really hard everyday not to think about these things... But sometimes it just overtakes me like a wave of pity. And I just have a day of relentless tearing up. It can be set off by the most strange and random things. I'm just a bit unstable. ;)
Maybe I'll go curl up in the tub. Or try to sleep. I AM sleepy. Although I don't feel I should be. Or make some coffee. Coffee.... or tea... sounds good , warm and comforting. I don't work tomorrow. Yay me. I AM glad for that. Happy to have the day off.
I wonder if "The Boyfriend" will watch a movie with me tonight....?
My Daughter got a loose tooth and a cavity pulled this afternoon. Then went to karate class. I was looking at her as she was leaving, and thought ... "shes better than me". I AM so happy for that. And at the same time so sad.
Okay... So something about that sentence sent me into tears. And now I have pulled myself together.
I dont deserve this.
I dont deserve being abandoned.
I wasn't bad.
I didn't do anything "wrong"
But I still...... don't.... know..... why.
Why at all?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Aarrghhhh! Sometimes it is SO hard taking the "high road"!!!! Lol.. I want SO badly to argue. And I have some DAMN GOOD arguments! I have spent the last.. oh probably close to an hour writing and rewriting my very snappy retort to a response I made about something earlier. But finally chose to come here and "write-it-out. Bah!!!! :p
I have done extremely well not making any comments concerning the issues I'm having with my mum OR dad and am VERY proud of myself (at least "I" can be.) And I felt this little outlet was more or less innocent banter. Like a .. debate... right? Lol. But I didn't want to get pulled under by it either and end up being just as pathetic... But Oo this is a inner struggle for me!!! Ahh I may just go ahead and do it.. later.. perhaps in a moment of weakness ;)
SOo, I am STARVING! okay just very hungry. Waiting for pizza. Doesn't sound super appetizing. But its whats for dinner when nobody wants to cook ;) I would.. cook. But we had a super long day and my entire body aches!!! So there ya have it my day in a itty-bitty nutshell! .. I maybe back.. but I smell pizzaaaaaaH!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
So.... the day has shaped up not-so-bad. :) After my daughter returned home from sunday school, my son went to the "Kids Club Gym" with his little friend who lives downstairs from us. And my daughter, my wee baby and the Boyfriend went and did some grocery shopping. (We've been completely out of food for over a week ;/)
I then came home and read some of the drama about our apartment in "Apartment Reviews". I then wrote a scathing review of my own. ;) Actually not so scathing.. I went for honest and concise... which is what I always try to be. After which I made myself what I refer to affectionately as a "Junkfood Salad", that is the delicious kind of salad that aside from the "healthy" spinach and spring reds is topped with bleucheese crumbles, fresh grated parmesean, almonds, croutons, and a splash of Bernstiens light cheese fantastico! I know I know. But it is DELICIOUS!!!! Lol. Then a glass of Iced Tea... ANddd I"m Goood! Know if I can only get myself to do something MORE productive. Like ... cleaning. That would be excellent ;/
But I am aiming for putting the second coat of paint on my canvases..... ;)
My heart is kinda aching today, as much as I keep trying to ignore the soreness in the pit of my stomach, and be happy and bouncy and energetic. It still hurts... so much that my eyes tear up now and again, and I'm afraid I will be pulled under by my emotions.
It is as has been the most recent issue in my life.. my parents. It feels so pathetic to be feeling and dealing with this at my age. I'm to old for this crap.
So I took a break and decided to break out all my canvases that have been sitting about for years waiting for me, and my vision. Literally years... I'v been frozen and sad and felt... like I wasn't good enough. But although I'm am heartbroken .. the person that should have always been there for me and my dreams and hasn't who has made me feel like I was worthless and retarded ectera... that person has only physically been out of my life for three weeks... And already I see the difference.
I AM SAD, I am HEARTBROKEN... But I also know this is how it has to be right now.. to "BECOME". And that I am having this bitter-sweet oppurtunity is truly priceless, and I AM HAPPY!.. For that. :)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I feel so.......... irrationally ANGRY. We went to the farmers market and bought more strawberries today. Baby-girl got her face painted. Baby-boy was whiny and clingy and altogether horrid, once again made the outting stressful and a pain-in-the-Ass. I hate that. We can NEVER go out and have a good time... Not with the kids.. and most definately not WITHOUT the kids. I want to cry. We then headed to my brothers for an inpromptu visit. My Father happened to be there. Fan-fucking-tastic... we stayed for awhile anyway. But left pretty quickly regardless. His wife was gone for the night staying over at her grandmothers.
The Boyfriend isn't feeling well (he never seems well) as soon as we got home he went to lie down.
I went on Facebook and it seems like everyone else is happy and having fun...
I am ashamed of feeling this way, but I feel jealous... I don't want to feel that way! Its a horrible emotion , pathetic!
It has been beautiful out today.. anyway. I'm just frustrated and tired and stressed and disappointed.... and .... sad. Sometimes I just really want to SCREAM!!! Nothing FEELS Right!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Whew... So its 3 o'clock in the morning, waiting for baby to stop talking and be silent for more then three minutes before I sneak into the bedroom and crawl into bed.
Aaaandd I had the brilliant idea of "thinking" "welll I'm up anyway... why don't I break out that new workout video?" yeeeaahh. Well that "new" workout video has been (ashamedly) sitting on the shelf still in the plastic wrap for about .. oh two months now? Lol. THAT workout video also happens to be Jillian Micheals 30 day shred. Um lets just say its probably not one you should start at two:thirty in the morning. Just saying. ;p
I was panting into the warmup... haha. and I forgot Jillian LOVES her some jumping jacks.. and I live on the second floor of an apartment. Lol. So needless to say i will "begin" again tomorrow. It does look like "FUN". ;p I'm definately warm and a bit sweaty. Good stuff.
And .... it seems baby just may be asleep now! perrrrfect timing!!
G'nite out there in Bloggyland!!!!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I slept "last night" from about 8 o'clock pm to 2 thirty am. So of course it is fifteen to five in the morning and I'm awake. My sleep cycles are so completely SCREWED! Well,.. I don't work today. yay. Actually I kinda wish I did.. I am starting to feel a little "money anxiety" burning up in my gut. my "darling" boyfriend has changed our daughters karate classes to one that is a little more expensive. Only (ONLY) six more dollars a month. So thats a grand total of one-hundred & six-teen dollars a month. Plus she needed a NEW fifty dollar uniform. *sigh*... I'm not exactly upset about THAT... I love the confidence it gives her , she is so happy. And I have to admit it makes me gloat that I have the ability to raise happy healthy children where as and despite the fact that my mother........... welll, couldn't? But I feel spread pretty thin... and I am generally the one that has to worry about not ending up on the street. If it wasn't for the children... I don't believe I would stress any where near as much.. I wouldn't care... if I did end up on the street... Lets just call it... an adventure. Yeah! But with a baby and two little ones... I can't exactly justify letting it all go... although I do sometimes fantasize about just going "straight hippy" finding some commune where we just grow are own vegetables............ lol. Sounds so... soothing.
I woke grumpy and sarcastic. I kinda hate that I can only write when I'm in a bad mood... Its not really what I'm going for at all. I believe in positive thinking in thought AND action! Boo! I try often to write when I am feeling good and optimistic and clear and HAPPY and have all this wonderful stuff in my head... but for some reason I can't seem to make the words flow.. Its like some positive blockage. Lol. So I seem to portray something entirely different then how I truely feel and want. Very frustrating. I guess I AM greatful I can use writing as a tool to work through the garbage. Thats excellent. And I AM happy for that... But I would love to convey my JOY also. Not act as though it is something I take forgranted. I don't ... take it forgranted. I'm working on it! And I think I am getting there! There is alot going on in my emotional life right now. And it has been very bitter-sweet for me. But I have been greatful for it while the catalyst has been a negative and sad one.
All for now ;)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Of course.. because (and I knew too!) I opened my mouth this afternoon and said "baby has been sleeping pretty well the past couple nights", He OF COURSE is now having a tough night of going and STAYING asleep. Why oh why do I not learn?!... to keep my damn mouth shut?
I can't sleep either as is the norm. But that doesn't mean I want to stay up with a fussy baby :p
My tummy is in knots. Because... of .... things. Like my mother. And then whatever seems to be connected to my melancholy. supernaturally in my tortured mind. So I play music that seems to be in tune with my feelings.. and find my choices in musical accompiniment only aggravates my aching soul. Is that perhaps in some small way exactly what I was looking for in the first place?
So-o yeah.. I'm a mess... Somehow its like putting a warm wet towel on a zit and bringing it to a head. Lol I just need to POP IT... ;p
The achiness the hurt... to.... lessen the pressure.So I can put it back where it belongs.. the BACKBURNER... on a low simmer... Where I dont have it at the FORFRONT boiling.
Gawd I love my LATELATE night bloggings.. no.. it seems is paying the slightest bit of attention to me.. and that is I suppose alright...
just kinda sorta getting some of my tangled thoughts out and the tapping of my fingers on the keys.. going faster and faster have some kind of soothing htpnotic effect, that calms me and makes it easier to find peace and many time actually GO-TO-SLEEP!
So my playlist at the moment... which maybe I did to good a job, because I am feeling tears come to my eyes... Tap tap tap... calm.
Radiohead: High and Dry
Rachel Yamagata: Worn Me Down
Sarah McLachlan: Arms Of An Angel
Tori Amos: 1000 Oceans
Brandi Carlile: The Story
Nice eh? ;p Still finding it a little painful to be awake.. to breathe. Its so strange how I feel .. Essentially, Good. But still ache inside.
Tomorrow is a new day.. I feel like the days are just draining away and I can't catch my breath. going going gone.. always replaced with another... but only with the knowledge that they WILL come to an end... in time,.... In time.
So much to do .. so much I want,, but I feel FROZEN.. and so little get DONE!! And I can't breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is just TO MUCH TO MUCH SO MUCH!
I'm sounding crazy and desperate now.. I try hard to keep that part down.. but I am crying now.. and I don't really care. If no one understands or has the time and now I am so scared to even bother trying to explain... because...... No one hears me.. There is NO ONE!!! Shit shit shit.. look I am having one of my little attacks right here on my blog! lovely. Usually I do this. Silently sreaming , tears rooling down my cheeks , clawing at the mattress or couch cushion, alone , in the dark, while everyone is asleep. But now I happen to be on the computer and whew.. well it caught me.. and I'm not stopping. Lol. OKAY breathing I think I'v gotten ahold of myself now! Sorry about that silent ghost audience. I think maybe I'll try going to bed now? Am I ready?