Saturday, November 13, 2010
The baby has slept through the night for the last four nights; and so have I. But tonight I haven't been able to sleep... I am very tired. But I am sad and melencholy and all these silly stupid things are going through my head.... Old stuff new stuff... And as if by some psyhic awareness, the baby woke up. I gave him a warm bottle and laid him back down. I think his cough is keeping him awake. We took him to the doctor about two weeks ago after he had had this cough for nearly three weeks.. it was just a slight cough and only at night.. but it has gotten worse and has been hanging on for over a month now. I don't believe that is "cool" for a baby. He is only one so I can't give him any cough medicine.... I feel so bad.. I am thinking I will take him into urgency care tomorrow.... Soo finally every is asleep... the bigger kids included... I am the only one awake. But I feel uncomfortable... and unsafe. I don't know why. Just a strange paranoia I get sometimes.. because I can't control everything and the bottom can fall out at any given moment and I'll have nothing to hang on to. SO I can't close my eyes.... As if it would make any difference. I am lonely.... I hate to admit that... Admitting such things to me is shameful and weak. I sit here exhausted.. asking unaswerable questions in my head.. driving myself crazy. I need to go to sleep....
Monday, November 8, 2010
Somedays, sometimes.. I just don't know which way is up and which way is down. So tired, overwhelmed. But even in the darkness there are always these little islands of light. Things I should and AM greatful for. I just feel like I am being pulled in two directions and not sure how to feel. Like crying and and feeling blessed. I believe I am somewhat in the grips of PMS also at the moment which may also be adding to the colors on the palette. There isn't just "black and white" but all these varying shades of grey. I am cold, and my entire body hurts. And a little sick of myself.... Sick of thinking to much.... not ever DOING enough. Sick of waiting, sick of being scared, sick of being hurt, Sick of feeling stuck. One thing after another... So very tired. I don't remember signing on for "Intensive Life Studies 101". I need to speak to the guidance counselor about changing my course studies to "Lucky Bastard, And "Easy Street". I am told that there are amazing oppurtunities for those who don't flunk out of this course.... But the "flunk out" rate is still pretty high. Somedays.... I'm just not sure I want to "stay the course"... :/ ;p :(
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Good Morning Thursday. No work today, because we STILL need a part to (HOPEFULLY) complete the key problem with the car....
I can't believe this as turned into such an utter fiasco. Seriously! A key! Anybody else could and would have it fixed the same day... if maybe the falling day (being it occured on a Sunday , Halloween. Regardless..... INSANE! But we are "poor" sooooo we have to do everything the hard way.. which normally means losing even MORE money in the process. Its frustrating... But i'm trying really REALLY hard to work around the stress. I know from routine experience... all the stress is often for not. And it just makes sthe situration worse physically and emotionally, ectera ectera. And 9.999999 times out of 10, everything is fine. So far anyway. ;/
So like every night..... I have yet to go to sleep, and it is nearly 6 A.M (Deep Breath) The baby slept pretty well.. didn't wake till about 4:30! (And is still talking up a storm in the bedroom) BUT.... Tonight went to shit anyway.... Big fight.. because I was sick and tired of the same bullshit....... I went for a walk at 2 in the morning. Saw a pack of "wild dogs"... that scared me a little. It was kinda nice though. There is a creek that meanders through the area I live in and lots of wooded areas. The stars were bright and very beautiful and the leaves were falling and I could hear the creek down in the woods. If I hadn't been sad, pissed, a little scared and alone.... it would have been quite lovely :) As still was... just not as relaxing as it could of been. So now on an early Thursday morning I hear the rest of the people waking around me (Not my own kids, besides baby,thankfully) ;/ I am very tired.... but barely know how to even fall asleep anymore.... Wellll baby is getting louder now (no more "cute" babble.... So I must be off (another deep breath to get me through)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When I was eight years old I stepped onto the front porch of my families home. I don't now remember if I was coming or going. What i do remember, besides all the stars in the sky..... was I suddenly very powerfully KNEW exactly what God looked like. I was overcome with the need to "put him on paper". But when I tried, all I got was a black hole....
The kind you get when you take a pen and scribble in a mad circle until the paper heavy with wet ink desinigrates beneath the pen.............
Above is the photo of an artistic endeavor, I created, to decorate the wall behind my bed. If you asked my boyfriend, I'm sure it would be just one of my many "strange creative whimseys".
To me it is more symbolic. I didn't at first mean for it to be. I was just trying to figure out an attractive way to display the vision I had for the wall behind my bed.... I wanted a "brickwall". But buying over two dozen frames was a bit spendy when there are a multitutde of other things that are more important. So I put together the display with things I had around the house; A bamboo pole, twine and tape. It was only after I had "created" it and hung it on the wall, that it took on any symbolism. As I admired my work I saw how the pictures "floated" above the wall. The images of something solid floating like they could fly away at any moment impressed upon me a feeling I have much of the time. The wall behind my back is never truely solid; The ground beneath my feet can disenigrate at any moment, for no apparent reason. And as it is "chaos, begets chaos". But for some reason breaking away from it is like trying to pull out of the orbit of the sun. Nothing is solid, yet you can't just "break away". A contradiction. As it is we are powerful beyond reason, we have choice in every moment. And no control over anything at all...........
Its hard confronting people, who spew negativity into your life and expect you to be silent and just "take it".. Or pretend they have no idea what you are talking about. Or act all nice to your face. Its hard saying "ENOUGH" and walking away. Its especially hard, when there doesn't seem to be anyone else.... to turn to, to talk to, to have your back......... Its scary.
Random Fact #1
I was born on the exact due date the doctor gave my mother. Thats pretty rare.. about five percent of babies are born on their given "due date". I'm not sure if that is an indicator of me thereafter always being on time. But I do try. And I get anxious if for some reason, I'm not on time. My mother tried to bring me into the world the "normal" way.. pushing me out... but everytime she had a contraction my heart beat would drop.... I wasn't coming. So they had an emergency C-section; The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck numerous times. My brother use to tease me saying I was born trying to commit suicide.
Random Fact #2
My mother was part of a "cult" for seven years. I wasn't allowed to watch TV,listen to music, Go to swimming lessons with my class in elementry school ( I would stay in the class alone for the hours everyone was gone, I guess they trusted me huh) ;/
I didn't celebrate any holidays. I was once a very happy bubbly child.... but the church said I "giggled to much", therefore they said I was "unclean". My mother went to a meeting with the different "branches" of the church across the country, in Idaho one year. The kids stayed behind to be babysat. We slept on bamboo mats on a hard floor with a sheet over us. We had to lay on our backs with our hands on top of the sheet at our side... to be sure we didn't "touch ourselves".... .... ect.
I remember the day my mom decided we wouldn't be going to "church" anymore. She had been "withdrawn from" (nobody could talk to her) For fornication/... adultry.. oh whatever, she had sex with some dude.... out of wedlock. (rolls eyes) I was about 11 I believe... I remember walking across the driveway of the duplex we lived in after she said we wouldn't be going to church that day (or the next or the next as it turned out) ;) I remember feeling both free and like God would strike me dead any secound.......
Random Fact #4
When I was 10 years old I decided I would go live with my aunt and uncle since I didn't "get along" with my mother (she just always made me feel like shit) I stayed at my aunt and uncles for about two weeks, until my 14 year old cousin who was also staying there, told me he had cigerettes, and put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me. After I told and went back home. I was told that my other cousins didn't beleive me..... Whatever...
Random Fact #5
One day when I was 15 I just broke down in tears in class.. for no apparent reason, and couldn't stop. The teacher had my "friend" walk me to the counselors office. The counselor told my mother being just a school counselor I would need to find someone I could see on a more regular basis.... So she found be someone else. I started cutting and 12 days before my 16th birthday my counselor told me I could either go to a lock down facilitie near my home.... Or they could take me up state without my permission. I chose to go voluntarilary ;/ I was admitted twice that time 12 days before my 16th birthday and again when I was 17.
Random Fact #6
The moment I turned 18 I moved with my 17 year old "best friend" upstate to stay with her gramother, in a fifthwheel outside her grammas trailer. My friend started seeing ghosts who would "take her over". Her "mother" who had died seven years earlier, woke me two nights in a row... one night telling me I had a "gift" and it would come as I got older.... she then asked me if I had any questions... wellll I was kinda scared shitless... I said no.. Now I sorta wish I'd said yes. LOL. One night in a dead sleep my friend rolled over me (OW) and unlocked the fifthwheel door and barefoot sleptwalk outside on the gravel driveway.... I ran after her.. even though gravel driveways are painful on barefeet.... after she stood at the gate mumbling for a few minutes I was able to guide her back. We stayed at her grammas for about a month, then we moved to Texas to stay with a 40 year old woman neither of us knew (she had met her on-line in sime poetry chatroom so I'v been told..... When The woman picked us up at the airport I was terrified ,, especially when I found she had the type of car where the doors automatically lock after the car starts......... My friend saw ghosts there to ... One night I woke to find her in the living room on the floor in the glow from the computer rocking back and forth reciting the lords prayer. Another night she was iin the kitchen holding the wood knife block, without looking at me and through clenched teeth she asked me to take it from her... I pryed it from her hands... and put it on top of the fridge......
Random Fact #7
We both got jobs at a fastfood resturant. She had the day shift , and I had the nightshift. Most nights I came home to the door locked.. I had a key to one lock, but they would seemingly complete forget about me and latch , bolt and set the alarm ;/ WE ended up getting in some kinda fight.. I don't even remember what it was about...... I was told I would have to move out... so I was pretty much stranded alone halfway across the country. Yet I didn't want to even try to go back home. So I saved up my money and got an apartment actually the young man I met at the fastfood resturant we both worked at "found the apartment"... we were going to be "roommates". We were suppose to go halves on the apartment. He had ended up getting a job somewhere else so we hadn't been working together for about a month. He came to my work and told me how much my "supposed" half of the rent would be.. I gave it to him.. I found out later I paid for everything.... I also found out as we were moving into said apartment (from his friend no less) that he had quit his job. I was in shock.. what the hell!! But I didn't say anything... He started the relationship on a billion lies starting with his age. He stole my money not once not twice but routinely. He did drugs . ectera. You would think this would be enough to end things right there huh?..... I guess it was still better then going back "home".
The first night he asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the livingroom or with me in the bedroom. I wasn't stupid.. I knew what he was asking... I said he could sleep in the bedroom. So thats where we "did it" on the floor in an empty apartment.
Random Fact #8
When I was 14 one day my father was driving me home, when he stopped the truck and took a blade out of a box (the kind ment for boxcutters) and told me to kill him... He repeated his request over and over, while I begged him to just take me home... He finally did.
Random Fact #9
I had a lesbian relationship for one year until I found out she cheated on me and broke up....I was 16.... I ran away for about 2 months.
Random Fact #10
My BF and I were robbed at gunpoint in a Tom Thumb parking lot one winter just before Christmas. Actually my BF was the one that was robbed.. of his 20 dollars. The guy didn't know I had nearly 1000 dollars in the pocket of my leather jacket. I had earlier decided to leave my purse at home ;)
Random Fact #11
One summer I went camping at the beach. I rode a horse bareback, a dog jumped out of the bushes at the side of the trail and spooked the horse, I fell off.... thank God I wasn't trampled. I was kept awake for the"required" hour or so.... you have no idea how badly I wanted to go to sleep.
Random Fact #12
I went camping one year with my mother and her boyfriend and my brothers... The boys had taken over the tent, so I was allowed to sleep in the van with them and my baby brother. My mothers stupid boyfriend put a heater in the van and kept it closed up... I ended up getting carbon monoxide poisoning... while I convulsed and vomited the next day... they cleaned up the campsite to leave.. my mom rolled her eyes kicked me and told me to "put on my shoes".......
LOL if i reminded her of these things now she would say she didn't remember, or that isn't what happened ;/
Random Fact #13
I am exhausted........................... TBC :/