Sunday, April 25, 2010

An Introduction


I just finished editing and updating my profile. I noticed I sound a little like a new-age hippy.(smiles) And maybe I am, or maybe I want to be...

I am sitting here now, with my secound cup of coffee, feeling better now, a little. When I first logged in about ten minutes ago, I came here because I was feeling like crying again. Invisable, angry, jealous, forgotten, misunderstood, ectera ectera. I had another bad night last night. Not the insomnia , which is everynight. Last night I had an attack.. I scratched my arms raw, screaming silently so I wouldnt bring any attention to myself. Because I knew nobody at the moment cared. I had/have no one. No one to turn to. No one to understand. My first thought at times like those is "Mom". But I'v grown to know she isn't there. Its taken decades to have this pounded in my head.. and to much pain. I guess I'v clung while she has tried to shake me off maybe? She may be around physically, but not emotionally for me. I have no real friends that care. And my boyfriend doesnt understand or know....

My chest is starting to clench up again.. Deep breaths.. I am trying to get past this now. It is an overwhelming job for me. Especially since I am completely alone in it. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean in a rowboat with one paddle.. going in circles. But I am strong. I know I am.. sometimes to strong. Sometimes I just wish I could completely come apart so someone would HAVE to notice. So I can get a ways in my little rowboat... it is just hard and slow and monotonous... and lonely.

I made this blog about a week or two ago, along with a new E-mail address. Its my secret. I have another blog... and E-mail address.....

;) I am going to go take a shower now... I like this.. I feel a bit better now. A little cleansed... perhaps?

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