Sunday, October 31, 2010
Baby isn't sleeping .. yet again.. talking up a storm in the bedroom. The BF is sleeping in the kids room... I thought perhaps i'd sleep on the couch... But not ready to fall asleep yet. Not because I'm not tired... The couch is a lil uncomfortable.. and I need to be drop dead exhausted to fall asleep.. beyond drop dead exhausted ;/
I am feeling mildly depressed. Bored maybe. I hate the word "bored". Hate it. There is way to much to do in life to be bored. whether it be the chores or writing you biograghy,.. To much to do for there ever to be boredom. To me boredom is a stand in for words I don't want to use, like; sad,lonely,dissatified,annoyed,angry,restless,HURT,ashamed,lazy,frozen,stupid,tired,misunderstood,confused,stressed,overwhelmed,scared,anxious,unhappy,lethargic,silent,frustrated, ectera. Boredom is a nice empty word that stands in for what is really underneath the surface....
Baby is now crying. He is fed diapered,has played,been cuddled. It is 2A.M. And more than likely like most nights I won't go to sleep till 4 or 5 or 6. Then I'll pretty much be a zombie again... It is so FRUSTRATING. I am angry at myself. I quit smoking 19 months ago. And suddenly started back up smoking again. I don't even like it. Its something to do... with the BF. I have a secret... I personally don't think its a secret.. but no one seems to her me.. or care. Or tell me I feel this way or that way. I hate him. Its never really been any different. But I just somehow some way want to know it won't always be this way. I feel like it is him or no one. I feel alot of things.. most I don't care to type out right now. I guess unless someone really wanted to know ;/
But nobody really cares, so it doesn't really matter. I am getting reallly sleepy now. maybe its time to lay on the couch? Baby is still fussing. The old man in the corner apartment is outside smoking.. and hacking. Its quite sad. And gross and annoying. The hacking echos loudly in the early morning hours. Which he seems to prefer to smoking all night outside. I'm not even sure why he DOES smoke outside. there is no one else living with him except his wife who also smoke, and was taken to the hospital earlier this week. I guess they are trying to protect their cat from lung cancer.... how nice. ;/
Blah... I suppose I'll go check on baby again. Maybe he did a courtesy poop.... the kind to keep him up and have a reason to squall till I come and check on him again after a certain amount of time. I swear my children can piss and poo on command or at least if it so suit them ;/ Yes they are VERY talented....
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Woke up after maybe an hour of sleep, I see light shining through the crack around the door frame, so I venture out to see who is up raiding the fridge. ... No one. The bathroom light is glaring, and I notice the kitchen light IS on so I go to the kitchen... To find the refridgerator WIDE open and a chair in front of it... but not a soul around... So I put the chair back at the table. Shut the fridge door. Turn off the bathroom light. ANd sit down at the computer with the remainder of the icecream... (A normal night;/ ) (morning?) A few minutes later my sone comes out... Oh so HERES the culprit! AH hah! "Can I go sleep with daddy", he asks.. "wait a minute I answer". Not wanting him to go in our room and wake baby. So he silently disappears. I put the ice cream away turn off the computer and find him in his room in front of the TV with the GameBoy in his hand. Turn it off, I say. He whines. Do you want to come lay down with me or not? He quickly turns everything off and follows me into the bedroom. where we all three squeeze into our queen-size bed. As he fall (quickly ,, he seems to sleep well in mommy and daddy's room) he starts up his jerking. Seizures... He sleeps through them. I can't. The doctor says he is having them pretty much all the time.. As in more often then not. The medicine is STILL not "knocking them out" as the doctor seem to believe it will. *Sigh*.. I still haven't wrapped my head fully around this.... I get up.. and go smoke a cigeratte... irratated with myself... I have been smoking more lately. I dont even like it. It makes me sick .. The taste the smell.. everything... But I guess somewhere in my screwed up head it was once a habit to calm myself and I believe it still should be.. It doesn't calm me.. just makes me ill. Once again I am awake with maybe two hours of sleep ..... it 6:A.M .. really no way I am going back to bed. The alarm goes off at 7:30. So I suppose I will hit the shower and have a cup of coffee.. A much milder version compared to my xtra strength "crack" coffee I kicked my own ass with yesterday. I am exhausted... (hence the lack of any poetic exhertion in this entry) No.. I'm not trying. I'm tired, mildly emotional, and just typing purely for the sake of typing... my new calm. ;) I have more to say... but lack the energy to say it................hopefully I'll be in the mood.. later. :(
Friday, October 1, 2010
It has been so long. Why is it STILL when i think of you, hear your name, know you are near. My chest still tightens and I get butterflies in my stomach, I still find it hard to breathe. Why am I so pathetic? You were so long ago. I hate you I love you I feel nothing for you. But what exactly is true? I feel there are some connections that just never break... no matter how we might pretend. But I dont ever feel that I could be on the other end of anyone elses memories. So then I just feel like a complete idiot. I am way to old for this shit! I should be long over you. You should be gone gone gone. Even if i do carry a part of you with me everyday. For you I am nothing. Barely a wisp of a memory. Perhaps someone to speak ill of? I feel so stupid for feeling.... at all.. this way.
My entire body hurts tonight. I am tired... but I don't want to lie down. I want to dream. I want to watch the sunset. I want.. someone... I HAVE someone. But I only feel empty with him. I don't feel like we fit. And I feel horrible for it. I try to make myself feel differently.. But then just don't feel anything.
I am ashamed.
I ... we... found out my five year old son is having seizures this week at the neurologists.
I am lost. What exactly am I to do.. where to next? What now?