Sunday, December 19, 2010
Ever since I was young I have made up names for books in my head... the title is very important; the way it sounds, feels, tastes.. what picture it brings to mind... a title can make you imagine the whole story in a few words. When I was much (much) younger I use to write.. stories, poems... diaries. I still journal every once in while.. when I am upset or worried. But I haven't let my imagination take control in a long time. Not at least in the form of a story. Its one of those many things that get put on the back burner. People say when you are a artist or a writer you can't help but do your passion. Create. I say that isn't true. Then I would be told I must be depressed.. I'm not depressed. I am tired. Worried. Overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like am always waiting ... and believe me I HATE that. Because there is only NOW; and I am more than aware of this. I KNOW what I need to do. I WANT to do it. I just feel frozen... putting everything in order of SOMEONE elses importance... This isn't living... But ..... so overwhelmed!! I don't need anything explained to me... I understand... I am quite bright, regardless of what you or anyone else for that matter may see, or think. I need.......... to be understood. That strangely enough helps... me ... move. That might sound odd... But I never claimed to be normal.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The baby has slept through the night for the last four nights; and so have I. But tonight I haven't been able to sleep... I am very tired. But I am sad and melencholy and all these silly stupid things are going through my head.... Old stuff new stuff... And as if by some psyhic awareness, the baby woke up. I gave him a warm bottle and laid him back down. I think his cough is keeping him awake. We took him to the doctor about two weeks ago after he had had this cough for nearly three weeks.. it was just a slight cough and only at night.. but it has gotten worse and has been hanging on for over a month now. I don't believe that is "cool" for a baby. He is only one so I can't give him any cough medicine.... I feel so bad.. I am thinking I will take him into urgency care tomorrow.... Soo finally every is asleep... the bigger kids included... I am the only one awake. But I feel uncomfortable... and unsafe. I don't know why. Just a strange paranoia I get sometimes.. because I can't control everything and the bottom can fall out at any given moment and I'll have nothing to hang on to. SO I can't close my eyes.... As if it would make any difference. I am lonely.... I hate to admit that... Admitting such things to me is shameful and weak. I sit here exhausted.. asking unaswerable questions in my head.. driving myself crazy. I need to go to sleep....
Monday, November 8, 2010
Somedays, sometimes.. I just don't know which way is up and which way is down. So tired, overwhelmed. But even in the darkness there are always these little islands of light. Things I should and AM greatful for. I just feel like I am being pulled in two directions and not sure how to feel. Like crying and and feeling blessed. I believe I am somewhat in the grips of PMS also at the moment which may also be adding to the colors on the palette. There isn't just "black and white" but all these varying shades of grey. I am cold, and my entire body hurts. And a little sick of myself.... Sick of thinking to much.... not ever DOING enough. Sick of waiting, sick of being scared, sick of being hurt, Sick of feeling stuck. One thing after another... So very tired. I don't remember signing on for "Intensive Life Studies 101". I need to speak to the guidance counselor about changing my course studies to "Lucky Bastard, And "Easy Street". I am told that there are amazing oppurtunities for those who don't flunk out of this course.... But the "flunk out" rate is still pretty high. Somedays.... I'm just not sure I want to "stay the course"... :/ ;p :(
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Good Morning Thursday. No work today, because we STILL need a part to (HOPEFULLY) complete the key problem with the car....
I can't believe this as turned into such an utter fiasco. Seriously! A key! Anybody else could and would have it fixed the same day... if maybe the falling day (being it occured on a Sunday , Halloween. Regardless..... INSANE! But we are "poor" sooooo we have to do everything the hard way.. which normally means losing even MORE money in the process. Its frustrating... But i'm trying really REALLY hard to work around the stress. I know from routine experience... all the stress is often for not. And it just makes sthe situration worse physically and emotionally, ectera ectera. And 9.999999 times out of 10, everything is fine. So far anyway. ;/
So like every night..... I have yet to go to sleep, and it is nearly 6 A.M (Deep Breath) The baby slept pretty well.. didn't wake till about 4:30! (And is still talking up a storm in the bedroom) BUT.... Tonight went to shit anyway.... Big fight.. because I was sick and tired of the same bullshit....... I went for a walk at 2 in the morning. Saw a pack of "wild dogs"... that scared me a little. It was kinda nice though. There is a creek that meanders through the area I live in and lots of wooded areas. The stars were bright and very beautiful and the leaves were falling and I could hear the creek down in the woods. If I hadn't been sad, pissed, a little scared and alone.... it would have been quite lovely :) As still was... just not as relaxing as it could of been. So now on an early Thursday morning I hear the rest of the people waking around me (Not my own kids, besides baby,thankfully) ;/ I am very tired.... but barely know how to even fall asleep anymore.... Wellll baby is getting louder now (no more "cute" babble.... So I must be off (another deep breath to get me through)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When I was eight years old I stepped onto the front porch of my families home. I don't now remember if I was coming or going. What i do remember, besides all the stars in the sky..... was I suddenly very powerfully KNEW exactly what God looked like. I was overcome with the need to "put him on paper". But when I tried, all I got was a black hole....
The kind you get when you take a pen and scribble in a mad circle until the paper heavy with wet ink desinigrates beneath the pen.............
Above is the photo of an artistic endeavor, I created, to decorate the wall behind my bed. If you asked my boyfriend, I'm sure it would be just one of my many "strange creative whimseys".
To me it is more symbolic. I didn't at first mean for it to be. I was just trying to figure out an attractive way to display the vision I had for the wall behind my bed.... I wanted a "brickwall". But buying over two dozen frames was a bit spendy when there are a multitutde of other things that are more important. So I put together the display with things I had around the house; A bamboo pole, twine and tape. It was only after I had "created" it and hung it on the wall, that it took on any symbolism. As I admired my work I saw how the pictures "floated" above the wall. The images of something solid floating like they could fly away at any moment impressed upon me a feeling I have much of the time. The wall behind my back is never truely solid; The ground beneath my feet can disenigrate at any moment, for no apparent reason. And as it is "chaos, begets chaos". But for some reason breaking away from it is like trying to pull out of the orbit of the sun. Nothing is solid, yet you can't just "break away". A contradiction. As it is we are powerful beyond reason, we have choice in every moment. And no control over anything at all...........
Its hard confronting people, who spew negativity into your life and expect you to be silent and just "take it".. Or pretend they have no idea what you are talking about. Or act all nice to your face. Its hard saying "ENOUGH" and walking away. Its especially hard, when there doesn't seem to be anyone else.... to turn to, to talk to, to have your back......... Its scary.
Random Fact #1
I was born on the exact due date the doctor gave my mother. Thats pretty rare.. about five percent of babies are born on their given "due date". I'm not sure if that is an indicator of me thereafter always being on time. But I do try. And I get anxious if for some reason, I'm not on time. My mother tried to bring me into the world the "normal" way.. pushing me out... but everytime she had a contraction my heart beat would drop.... I wasn't coming. So they had an emergency C-section; The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck numerous times. My brother use to tease me saying I was born trying to commit suicide.
Random Fact #2
My mother was part of a "cult" for seven years. I wasn't allowed to watch TV,listen to music, Go to swimming lessons with my class in elementry school ( I would stay in the class alone for the hours everyone was gone, I guess they trusted me huh) ;/
I didn't celebrate any holidays. I was once a very happy bubbly child.... but the church said I "giggled to much", therefore they said I was "unclean". My mother went to a meeting with the different "branches" of the church across the country, in Idaho one year. The kids stayed behind to be babysat. We slept on bamboo mats on a hard floor with a sheet over us. We had to lay on our backs with our hands on top of the sheet at our side... to be sure we didn't "touch ourselves".... .... ect.
I remember the day my mom decided we wouldn't be going to "church" anymore. She had been "withdrawn from" (nobody could talk to her) For fornication/... adultry.. oh whatever, she had sex with some dude.... out of wedlock. (rolls eyes) I was about 11 I believe... I remember walking across the driveway of the duplex we lived in after she said we wouldn't be going to church that day (or the next or the next as it turned out) ;) I remember feeling both free and like God would strike me dead any secound.......
Random Fact #4
When I was 10 years old I decided I would go live with my aunt and uncle since I didn't "get along" with my mother (she just always made me feel like shit) I stayed at my aunt and uncles for about two weeks, until my 14 year old cousin who was also staying there, told me he had cigerettes, and put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me. After I told and went back home. I was told that my other cousins didn't beleive me..... Whatever...
Random Fact #5
One day when I was 15 I just broke down in tears in class.. for no apparent reason, and couldn't stop. The teacher had my "friend" walk me to the counselors office. The counselor told my mother being just a school counselor I would need to find someone I could see on a more regular basis.... So she found be someone else. I started cutting and 12 days before my 16th birthday my counselor told me I could either go to a lock down facilitie near my home.... Or they could take me up state without my permission. I chose to go voluntarilary ;/ I was admitted twice that time 12 days before my 16th birthday and again when I was 17.
Random Fact #6
The moment I turned 18 I moved with my 17 year old "best friend" upstate to stay with her gramother, in a fifthwheel outside her grammas trailer. My friend started seeing ghosts who would "take her over". Her "mother" who had died seven years earlier, woke me two nights in a row... one night telling me I had a "gift" and it would come as I got older.... she then asked me if I had any questions... wellll I was kinda scared shitless... I said no.. Now I sorta wish I'd said yes. LOL. One night in a dead sleep my friend rolled over me (OW) and unlocked the fifthwheel door and barefoot sleptwalk outside on the gravel driveway.... I ran after her.. even though gravel driveways are painful on barefeet.... after she stood at the gate mumbling for a few minutes I was able to guide her back. We stayed at her grammas for about a month, then we moved to Texas to stay with a 40 year old woman neither of us knew (she had met her on-line in sime poetry chatroom so I'v been told..... When The woman picked us up at the airport I was terrified ,, especially when I found she had the type of car where the doors automatically lock after the car starts......... My friend saw ghosts there to ... One night I woke to find her in the living room on the floor in the glow from the computer rocking back and forth reciting the lords prayer. Another night she was iin the kitchen holding the wood knife block, without looking at me and through clenched teeth she asked me to take it from her... I pryed it from her hands... and put it on top of the fridge......
Random Fact #7
We both got jobs at a fastfood resturant. She had the day shift , and I had the nightshift. Most nights I came home to the door locked.. I had a key to one lock, but they would seemingly complete forget about me and latch , bolt and set the alarm ;/ WE ended up getting in some kinda fight.. I don't even remember what it was about...... I was told I would have to move out... so I was pretty much stranded alone halfway across the country. Yet I didn't want to even try to go back home. So I saved up my money and got an apartment actually the young man I met at the fastfood resturant we both worked at "found the apartment"... we were going to be "roommates". We were suppose to go halves on the apartment. He had ended up getting a job somewhere else so we hadn't been working together for about a month. He came to my work and told me how much my "supposed" half of the rent would be.. I gave it to him.. I found out later I paid for everything.... I also found out as we were moving into said apartment (from his friend no less) that he had quit his job. I was in shock.. what the hell!! But I didn't say anything... He started the relationship on a billion lies starting with his age. He stole my money not once not twice but routinely. He did drugs . ectera. You would think this would be enough to end things right there huh?..... I guess it was still better then going back "home".
The first night he asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the livingroom or with me in the bedroom. I wasn't stupid.. I knew what he was asking... I said he could sleep in the bedroom. So thats where we "did it" on the floor in an empty apartment.
Random Fact #8
When I was 14 one day my father was driving me home, when he stopped the truck and took a blade out of a box (the kind ment for boxcutters) and told me to kill him... He repeated his request over and over, while I begged him to just take me home... He finally did.
Random Fact #9
I had a lesbian relationship for one year until I found out she cheated on me and broke up....I was 16.... I ran away for about 2 months.
Random Fact #10
My BF and I were robbed at gunpoint in a Tom Thumb parking lot one winter just before Christmas. Actually my BF was the one that was robbed.. of his 20 dollars. The guy didn't know I had nearly 1000 dollars in the pocket of my leather jacket. I had earlier decided to leave my purse at home ;)
Random Fact #11
One summer I went camping at the beach. I rode a horse bareback, a dog jumped out of the bushes at the side of the trail and spooked the horse, I fell off.... thank God I wasn't trampled. I was kept awake for the"required" hour or so.... you have no idea how badly I wanted to go to sleep.
Random Fact #12
I went camping one year with my mother and her boyfriend and my brothers... The boys had taken over the tent, so I was allowed to sleep in the van with them and my baby brother. My mothers stupid boyfriend put a heater in the van and kept it closed up... I ended up getting carbon monoxide poisoning... while I convulsed and vomited the next day... they cleaned up the campsite to leave.. my mom rolled her eyes kicked me and told me to "put on my shoes".......
LOL if i reminded her of these things now she would say she didn't remember, or that isn't what happened ;/
Random Fact #13
I am exhausted........................... TBC :/
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Baby isn't sleeping .. yet again.. talking up a storm in the bedroom. The BF is sleeping in the kids room... I thought perhaps i'd sleep on the couch... But not ready to fall asleep yet. Not because I'm not tired... The couch is a lil uncomfortable.. and I need to be drop dead exhausted to fall asleep.. beyond drop dead exhausted ;/
I am feeling mildly depressed. Bored maybe. I hate the word "bored". Hate it. There is way to much to do in life to be bored. whether it be the chores or writing you biograghy,.. To much to do for there ever to be boredom. To me boredom is a stand in for words I don't want to use, like; sad,lonely,dissatified,annoyed,angry,restless,HURT,ashamed,lazy,frozen,stupid,tired,misunderstood,confused,stressed,overwhelmed,scared,anxious,unhappy,lethargic,silent,frustrated, ectera. Boredom is a nice empty word that stands in for what is really underneath the surface....
Baby is now crying. He is fed diapered,has played,been cuddled. It is 2A.M. And more than likely like most nights I won't go to sleep till 4 or 5 or 6. Then I'll pretty much be a zombie again... It is so FRUSTRATING. I am angry at myself. I quit smoking 19 months ago. And suddenly started back up smoking again. I don't even like it. Its something to do... with the BF. I have a secret... I personally don't think its a secret.. but no one seems to her me.. or care. Or tell me I feel this way or that way. I hate him. Its never really been any different. But I just somehow some way want to know it won't always be this way. I feel like it is him or no one. I feel alot of things.. most I don't care to type out right now. I guess unless someone really wanted to know ;/
But nobody really cares, so it doesn't really matter. I am getting reallly sleepy now. maybe its time to lay on the couch? Baby is still fussing. The old man in the corner apartment is outside smoking.. and hacking. Its quite sad. And gross and annoying. The hacking echos loudly in the early morning hours. Which he seems to prefer to smoking all night outside. I'm not even sure why he DOES smoke outside. there is no one else living with him except his wife who also smoke, and was taken to the hospital earlier this week. I guess they are trying to protect their cat from lung cancer.... how nice. ;/
Blah... I suppose I'll go check on baby again. Maybe he did a courtesy poop.... the kind to keep him up and have a reason to squall till I come and check on him again after a certain amount of time. I swear my children can piss and poo on command or at least if it so suit them ;/ Yes they are VERY talented....
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Woke up after maybe an hour of sleep, I see light shining through the crack around the door frame, so I venture out to see who is up raiding the fridge. ... No one. The bathroom light is glaring, and I notice the kitchen light IS on so I go to the kitchen... To find the refridgerator WIDE open and a chair in front of it... but not a soul around... So I put the chair back at the table. Shut the fridge door. Turn off the bathroom light. ANd sit down at the computer with the remainder of the icecream... (A normal night;/ ) (morning?) A few minutes later my sone comes out... Oh so HERES the culprit! AH hah! "Can I go sleep with daddy", he asks.. "wait a minute I answer". Not wanting him to go in our room and wake baby. So he silently disappears. I put the ice cream away turn off the computer and find him in his room in front of the TV with the GameBoy in his hand. Turn it off, I say. He whines. Do you want to come lay down with me or not? He quickly turns everything off and follows me into the bedroom. where we all three squeeze into our queen-size bed. As he fall (quickly ,, he seems to sleep well in mommy and daddy's room) he starts up his jerking. Seizures... He sleeps through them. I can't. The doctor says he is having them pretty much all the time.. As in more often then not. The medicine is STILL not "knocking them out" as the doctor seem to believe it will. *Sigh*.. I still haven't wrapped my head fully around this.... I get up.. and go smoke a cigeratte... irratated with myself... I have been smoking more lately. I dont even like it. It makes me sick .. The taste the smell.. everything... But I guess somewhere in my screwed up head it was once a habit to calm myself and I believe it still should be.. It doesn't calm me.. just makes me ill. Once again I am awake with maybe two hours of sleep ..... it 6:A.M .. really no way I am going back to bed. The alarm goes off at 7:30. So I suppose I will hit the shower and have a cup of coffee.. A much milder version compared to my xtra strength "crack" coffee I kicked my own ass with yesterday. I am exhausted... (hence the lack of any poetic exhertion in this entry) No.. I'm not trying. I'm tired, mildly emotional, and just typing purely for the sake of typing... my new calm. ;) I have more to say... but lack the energy to say it................hopefully I'll be in the mood.. later. :(
Friday, October 1, 2010
It has been so long. Why is it STILL when i think of you, hear your name, know you are near. My chest still tightens and I get butterflies in my stomach, I still find it hard to breathe. Why am I so pathetic? You were so long ago. I hate you I love you I feel nothing for you. But what exactly is true? I feel there are some connections that just never break... no matter how we might pretend. But I dont ever feel that I could be on the other end of anyone elses memories. So then I just feel like a complete idiot. I am way to old for this shit! I should be long over you. You should be gone gone gone. Even if i do carry a part of you with me everyday. For you I am nothing. Barely a wisp of a memory. Perhaps someone to speak ill of? I feel so stupid for feeling.... at all.. this way.
My entire body hurts tonight. I am tired... but I don't want to lie down. I want to dream. I want to watch the sunset. I want.. someone... I HAVE someone. But I only feel empty with him. I don't feel like we fit. And I feel horrible for it. I try to make myself feel differently.. But then just don't feel anything.
I am ashamed.
I ... we... found out my five year old son is having seizures this week at the neurologists.
I am lost. What exactly am I to do.. where to next? What now?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Two sleeping pills and a muscle relaxant... AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! This can't be normal, can it? Can I have some of that shit Micheal took? Anybody? Yeah.. thats what I thought. Baby boy has his EEG tomorrow. I want one too. Maybe I can find out whats wrong with my brain?
Feeling restless, distracted, detached.... Who the hell am I? Bored, waiting. I feel imprisoned within myself, but I try not to bitch to much about it cause it strikes me as whiny. Ha. How can I be SO tired but unable to sleep? I am thinking about buying a bicycle tomorrow... I just want to ride.. wind in my hair down a long hill. be a child for a moment and maybe in that moment everything will click and I will be here again really me.... I know.. I'm talking crazy.. just a little.. I could do better. And really want good is an annoymous blog if you can't be authentically crazy? ANd then perhaps work oneself up to being completely unmasked loony? Ahhh I can wish! ;^) I shall try to crawl back into bed now and see if my brain shall release me?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Very very tired, but as is the broken litany of my life I cannot sleep. It is four o'clock a.m. I am curious... What does one do if they KNOW what is wrong with them but they DON'T know WHAT to do about, WHERE to go, WHO to see? I need to check if my medical is available... and see a doctor. I'm not well, and I dont know where to begin to change it. Despite the KNOWING I haven't a clue what to DO. Or how to DO it. Feeling stuck and being completely aware is like a hell on earth. Am I even alive? I wouldn't really call myself depressed... some may. I feel more angry and anxious then sad. I feel like I have chains and weights tying me up and dragging me down when I so desperately want to fly. Ahh well I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sooo restless. Find myself wandering aimlessly. Checking in repeatedly to Facebook (LAME).. So I decided to come here.. type my nerves down to a low buzz. My five year old son has been having some weird issues. Started a couple months ago with a one time occurance of strange jerking spasms in his arms that he couldn't control. He said his head hurt.. and just seemed out of it. A couple days ago it happened again. So now I'm scared, as the twitching seems to be happening more frequently. He has a EEG scheduled for later this week. I on the slight possibility contacted his bio-father for any family medical info. He still denies its his.. or tells me I DONT KNOW. I DO KNOW. He doesn't seem to. I have no question in my mind. Unless my son was a virgin birth.. HES the father... as he is the only one (if I can be so crude but honest) that I was having sex with. He was the only one I was with Even after we broke up. (Just before I found I was pregnant) I didn't sleep with anyone else until I was two months pregnant. When My daughters father and I got back together. Up until I was two months pregnant he wasnt even in the same state as I was! It is so frustrating. I have no reason to lie! I don't need anything from them (mu sons bio family). but I am, honest and it bothers me so much to have this continue.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I have noticed, for some reason(unknown to me) I can't sleep when he is in the room. Regardless of how tired I maybe, or how well I had been sleeping previous to him coming in. I lay in the dark and stare at shadows on the wall, feeling strangly static. I can't seem to concentrate, or relax. I feel stiff and my brain is constantly jumping as does my heart in my chest. Its so strange. I'v tried a technique called "focusing"... but still "jump" as hard as I try to concentrate. I tried to just focus on my finger ... moving.. couldn't. I feel... on guard. Like I am constantly in the middle of a battle field, and I have to watch my back, because no one else will. I don't want to blame him. He is not as horrible as I may make him out to be. But he lies about the dumbest things (like him smoking)... Yes, I do get irratated and maybe have words ;/... But lies? That just makes me wonder what else he may lie about. I treasure honesty and openness. And while I don't think him a horrible person. And he is a very loving father to the children, even the one that isn't biologicaly his. I don't feel he is right for me? And that makes me feel awful. Sad. Lost. Stuck. Confused. Frozen. Mean. Selfish. Like I'm not trying hard enough, to... make myself.. different. I feel like he is the one the universe has given me, and he is loyal, and loving, and ... probably tries his best. And I am just a rotten person, for that not being enough. For feeling so alone. And misunderstood. I flinch when he touches me. I laugh it off (Oh that tickles).... I am so lonely. But I have this beautiful family, I am blessed... even when its hard, I know that... Am I really just a terrible person?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Someday, I will not have these worries. Everything in my life now, will be gone. Someday these pains and sadnesses will be a memory. But also will be my joys and gifts of today. Someday, I will have no wee one to keep me up at night. I will have no soft little hand to hold, no sweet gummy smile. And while all may worries of losing now .. the future will soon come to either take from me.. give to me, or prove my worries of loss null. In any variation, ... it will be. My worries sadness , anxieties... won't have mattered but to have aged me, and make me ill. Someday, I may have some or everything of what I prayed and hoped and dreamed and shed tears and sweat for. But I will have given other things in return. Life is loss, but it is not without its gifts. Letting the pain take the lead to happiness will only make me bitter. While concentrating on all I have even if it may be little (and it is not.. little) Will bring joy to shine over every corner and cast the shadows away. I am blessed. I have been granted an amzing gift and what I learn/take from it will make all the difference. I will walk with grace. I will speak with kindness. I will be strong. I will be brave. I will believe. I will be patient. I will do what I can now, with what gifts I have now. I will love. I will forgive. I will do my best to not blame others for their human weaknesses, and what pain they may cause me. What I do with any situration is my choice.
Goodnight, and sweetest dreams :) May peace, love, joy and faith always be near.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My eyes hurt, my head hurts, I'v been crying off and on all day. I am tired, and, sad, and angry and hurt. Overwhelmed, anxious, stressed. I can't sleep, and I really just wish there was someone who loved me understood me and gave a damn. Someone who could listen, someone who would talk to me, and a hug. But i don't want a hug from someone who lies to me, hurts me,doesn't hear me.... And that seems to be my only option. So I'd rather be alone. It a bit after seven o'clock, on a Sunday. I am thinking about making some coffee... sounds kinda good, and a little comforting. Later I may take a walk to the church and sit on the benches in the court yard by the steel cross. Alone.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'v felt so aimless... drowning. My chest constantly in a vice. Tired... no exhausted. I don't love the person I'm with. I have tried to tell myself he is "my best friend", to make up for the lack of loving feeling I do not have.. but even that doesnt work. I am sad. I can't sleep at night. My heart feels like it spasms when I try. I keep plodding along doing what I feel I must... watching time go by. Quickly.
Tonight was shit. For I think the third time in as many years I was called by a police switchboard to tell me that my "boyfriend" had been stopped and his license is expired? or something... I haven't really talked to him about it all yet... I don't really want to.... But I need to.. later. So excellent like we have money for this kind of crap.... He is SO FUCKING STUPID!... I HATE HIM! okay.. really need to get that out. Still do. But that will do for the time being ;/
So-o after feeding the kids dinner... I took the keys off the hook by the door and just walked out. I DREAM of just walking out and NEVER coming back. But .. not tonight.
No.. tonight I just slid each key pointy end out between each finger, making a makeshift weapon... and walked.
Across and out of the parking lot of our apartments, across the field with the old abandoned brick welding building with the boarded up windows, across the street where the truckers park their eighteen wheelers , into the church parking lot... I sat down at a dark back door behind a bunch of trees in the dark and just watched the cars on the road, and the clouds moving across the sky. And breathed.. it was the first time in a very long time my chest didn't feel so tight. After about thirty minutes I walked around the church building and found a little court yard with a bell tower and a tall metal cross and four stone benches around the sides. I laid on one of the benches, surprisely the stars were very bright here. Afterward I got up and walked back home. I tucked the kids in.... who had been worried about me.. (:(
And that has been my night. Back home.. back in knots....
Friday, August 27, 2010
Another A.M session. Baby won't fall back asleep... He is one year old now. He SHOULD sleep through the night! This is driving me nuts! I haven't been here in a while. Actually that isn't entirely true,, I have at least two or three drafts that I have abandoned. I don't know why... I am feeling this dark hole in the pit of my stomach... like a vacuum sucking .. empty , consuming ache. I feel .. sad. Just right now. Like my fragile self-esteem , and hope has been forgotten in the flowerpot and is withering and drying up. I need a good watering ;) It can dry up so quickly. One day everything is fine, and the next I want to curl up in bed and cry, or yell and scream angrily at any who may pass cheerfully. Sounds like real mental problems.. but there is n't much I can do about that... Not at this time anyway. Maybe.. maybe soon. I am so-o tired. Have to work today.. and the boyfriend works all weekend... I'm frustrated, angry really. I just got over the lack of sleep and becoming sick ,, I was just getting better, and now it seems I am being pushed back down that hellish path again. I guess I am going to have to catch a few Zzz'z on the sofa... hate that.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
So its been a very long couple of days. And its not yet over... got through a battle today, but there is another tomorrow. No rest for the weary rings ever so true. But I gotta "keep on truckin", "Keep on keeping on", "Keep on moving", ectera, ectera, ectera. I am feeling very happy and blessed about dodging the bullets today, very greatful. But already I feel the high of todays win fading into the background , and the clench of the unknown moving into my gut. SIGH! Well must go feed baby and myself. Its 7:15 and all I'v consumed today is a cup of coffee this morning before work ;/
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I'v had a heinous attack of the stomach flu the last couple days and have felt.. well you could imagine I'm sure.:(
I have Three THREE 3 tenitive photoshoots that I have yet to line up date and solidify... Gah! and one more even more "tenitive".... *sigh*... Welllll lots to do.. (not feeling it) Need to go clean the kitchen.. and bathroom... HATE doing dishes.. the WORST!! :(
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Four O'clock in the morning.... I can't sleep. I feel ... sad. Its a chemical "mistake" in my brain.. I know it, but I still "FEEL" it regardless. Sometimes I am... confused as to why some people are the way they are, why they do or say or.. feel the way they do. And what in the world did I do.. to be treated THAT way? My chest feels tight. I took melatonin,.. still unable to sleep. I feel forgotten .. nights like this. unimportant, forgotten...And what bothers me the most... is that I don't know "WHY". I just want to know "WHY".Whats so hard about that? The answer.. do you not have an answer? And if not.... then "WHY"......? I need to sleep..... I'm so freakin restless. Sometimes I just want to ... run. For some reason I'm to afraid to get up and do it.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Two steps forward, one hundred back. Just trying to breathe. So... I did a photoshoot for my mum. There were some really good pictures. But she is so negative about herself , that she is picking herself and in so doing picking apart the pictures... I know I shouldn't take her issues personally.. but I do. I mean I AM her daughter. Feeling a bit down. And already having some anxiety . About money and rent ectera. My stomach is in knots and I feel like curling up in a ball and crying... Then passing out for a few hours.... Its been a long hot day and I am exhausted and dehydrated. My baby made me some yummy stirfry for dinner, much appreciated since I hadn't eatten anything all day.. and overdosed on coffee ;/
Tired.. need to rest. But first I need a shower. Grimy ;/ Wooo zahh ;)
Friday, July 23, 2010
I love taking pictures, I love photography, I love making pictures even more beautiful with editing programs and changing lighting and contrast. In the last year my "friend" (she use to be my best friend) somehow became a "professional" photogragher. Now every time I take pictures or talk about photography or pursue my passion I feel like a copycat and a fraud. To the point I truely wondered if I was copying her.... But then today I really started thinking about it... I took photography in HIGHSCHOOL.... having my own DARKROOM has been on my wishlist for ages. I'v loved CAMERAS for as long as I can remember. REMEMBERING all this was a bit redeeming.. but I have to wonder how I could put myself away like that... I have let everyone " put me away" and just smile and say "its okay". What bullshit is that? I can't believe I actually questioned myself... I'm angry.. for feeling like that.. for even wondering.. and for ..... I don't even know how to put it in words at the moment.. I just get angrier and angrier...
How can I so completely FORGET ME? That is more then a little terrifying. If I'm not here for me.. no one else will be.
I need to go to bed now :) peace & ♥
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Feeling a bit down this morning. Have to knock that shit off quick. Its been chilly in the morning for the last couple days. Slow to warm up. Being cloudy and cool till nearly 2PM. Than reaching about 80F. I'm trying to keep my mind off... something... So its bouncing around like a rubber ball or a flitting butterfly ;) I should go back to bed... I woke up to pee.. and baby woke up (inevitably) I changed his diaper, gave him 6 oz bottle, and he fell back to sleep... I really should also. Catch a few Zzz'z while I can. I think I am PMS'ing.... Blah-bummer. I'm never completely aware of my condition until after the fact... but sometimes I catch on.. and feel a bit better. Uhg.. there is so much to do! There is ALWAYS so much to do... which in some ways is a good thing. I am stressing. About money (again). Baby needs diapers I noticed. Hoping what we have can make it through tomorrow. And that we have enough gas... ectera ectera. I am getting a headache... I think I'll go back to bed.... yeah.
Friday, July 16, 2010
So.. after blabbing my concerns for my mums sanity, I realize she is pretty much doing the equivilant of what I am doing HERE. Working through my issues... my life. In a place where I don't have to be afraid ... afraid of hurting family or friends, or ashamed, or bothered by their oppinions. So-o... I feel a wee bit bad. :( I'm sorry! I kinda wish I could say something to her. But I think we need to hold our own places at a distance perhaps for the time being. I know even though she is my mother... she still has much issues to work through, and while I know she feels she has grown alot.. she (as do we all) has much to do. .....................
So-o we had a great birthday party tonight! I think he (the birthday boy!) had a lot of fun :) unfortunately I was busy tending the party and didnt eat .. and now at nearly one in the morning I am STARVING! Gah! And I'm sure I am going to fall prey to the left over birthday cake. Woe is me! In my defence we tried to pawn of the left over mass of gooey delicious sweet fat and calories on my sister-in-law and our downstairs nieghbor! Didn't work.... :( I am still carrying around three babies in my thighs and belly.. No kidding. :( Wellll I am off ♥
Thursday, July 15, 2010
So.. about three days ago our water heater exploded. Which meant a VERY cold shower for me yesterday. Thankfully.. I live in an apartment so it is being replaced today. :) Grateful. Today is also my sons fifth birthday, and my baby is eleven months old today.. one month from today he will be turning One. :) So we are going to my brother and sis-in-laws house this evening for a BBQ and cake and a pinata for the kids. Good times! We have been off work for a week. Tomorrow we go back to work, and than the weekend! ;p Although I think my darling BF will be working his landscaping job one of the days this weekend... which means a long day of one on one time with the children ;p
It is 4:15 and all I'v had today is a blended coffee at the mall.. Sooo I just pretty much inhaled half a chicken sandwich ;) I think it was pretty good? Lol Anywho.. thats my day... gonna go take some meditative quite time before the children come home!
People are strange, relationships are strange, The internet is strange, life is strange.
The baby is making cooing , giggling noises in his crib every couple minutes... I can't sleep through it.... Its three:forty-two A.M. I'm sleepy, but here I am... waiting for perfection. Today (Thursday) is my sons fifth birthday. Five years, nine months and ten days ago, My Ex impregnated me.. for the second time. This one I kept. The first one he impregnated me with I aborted. I tell myself.. or "believe" I suppose (only to make myself feel better) that the baby I aborted never would have really existed.. like I probably would have had a miscarriage anyway... or something... Or one of my favorite brain fuckings; that the child I kept (my son) is that same baby a second time around... I tell myself if I had kept previous child I wouldn't have the wonderful sweet little boy I now have... Regardless... .... ... I took the abortion pill. Him and his mother took me. The morning of my stomach was raw and nauseous... They took me to breakfast. And than to the clinic. His mother swiped her card. About $400. They inserted the ultrasound wand to check if I was pregnant and gestation.. I cried. The woman bruskly asked if I really wanted to do this. I said "yes" ... but I really wanted her to try harder... she didn't. After the ultrasound they took me to a little office and had me sit. My "Ex" came in... I sometimes think he came in more to make sure I did it than support. The "nurse gave me a pill in a little paper cup... The same kind they use to give me my varying anti-depressants in "The Behavorial Facility". I swallowed the pill... This pill was to shut down the nutrients from my placenta to the embryo... to cut off food, ect.... They handed me a yellow paper envelope with three more pills. These were to be "placed" in my vagina when I got home. His mother drove us "home". We went to "our" bedroom, and I laid on the bed. He put them inside me. The bleeding and cramping came within a hour or two. I cramped and bled al night... He had an additude because "we" couldn't have sex. I laid in the dark on the couch on a heating pad the following day. He stormed about yelling at me ect while I wreathed in pain.
I loved him... I loved him very very much. He made me cry often. Telling me he wanted other girls ectera ectera. But I loved him anyway... Because sometimes things were wonderful.... I still check his facebook page.. a hundred times a day. Happy to see he is still in the same self laothing cycle as he ever was... This makes me feel better on some low very human frequency. It feels good to truely know "it wasn't me, it was him". ;p
Tonight I found out my mother has a fake facebook page... Its a bit confusing.... She added me.. as someone else... then deleted me..... and became "herself again. I just happened to stumble upon it when I went to find who delted me... ;p Strange.... I am too tired now.. Must sleep.......
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hmm its only been about a week since I'v been here... felt like longer. Long enough that I almost forgot my password when I was logging in ;/
Having trouble sleeping tonight.. I know shocking right?! Haha. I was exhausted earlier today and took a short nap, and had horrid nightmares the entire time. When I have nightmares I usually have to kill something ;/ I don't get chased and I don't get hurt... But I almost always have to kill someone/thing... which isn't much fun either.. and pretty heartpounding for me.. Lol. I am thinking maybe I'll go take my A.M shower.. sometimes that helps me relax enough to get to sleep. Its a little windy outside and I can hear my windchimes, which is soothing :)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I hate the Fourth of July. Its an annoying loud holiday and the banks think that if it lands on a weekend they should get Monday off anyway. :/ I'm not trying to be "un-patriotic". I just don't like the noise till all hours .. usually starting 2 or 3 days before and continueing 2 or 3 days after. I also always end up being broke on the fourth which I'm sure adds to my annoyance of the holiday. Along with knowing my BF's birthday is on the 6th and my sons is on the 15th... lots going on. Blah.
Wellll my brother and sister-N-law took the two older kids last night so we just had the baby... It was nice.... for awhile. Then HE massively fucked up, by getting himself involved with the nieghbors and their stupid alcohol induced loud fighting. I was so pissed off. I mean really? Why? The cops had already been called .. they were coming.. why did he think he had to go out there and play good guy? Stupid. *Sigh*.. so yeah.. just a tad annoyed. He ended up sleeping on the couch most of the night ;p He says he tried to come to bed at one point but I elbowed him out and told him to leave.... In my sleep.. I totally don't remember that... but.... cool ;/
Sooo I should probably crawl back into bed for a couple hours... seeing as there are no kids to get up with (they don't expect us till this evening) and baby is still asleep.. probably till at least nine. I'm still a bit sleepy.. but I am HUNGRY!! ;p can't go grocery shopping till Tuesday.... (uh when the bank opens again so I can cash my check ... Grrrr) I am thinking about making coffee.. but bed is pulling me harder... I can always make coffee later... OR make coffee and have it IN BED.. heh heh.. sounds a little luxurious. Lol .... yeah, maybe I'll do that. :)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I am getting tied up in knots with anxiety twisting in my gut. It is always there... but sometimes... often something happens to up the ante, where I'm afraid I may vomit it is so bad. Today it is because I am home alone with the children and the electric company is calling..... I hate answering the phone. It terrifies me. I am scared to answer the phone or the door.... I CAN do it.. and once I have I am normally just fine... but the actual DOING of either of these things often times keeps me from doing it at all. And if I do run into the stress I was afraid of incountering in the first place I either cry or get in a argument.. which normally leads to me crying. Mainly all my stress comes down to money.. Lack there of. I am terrified of the electric being turned off, of losing our apartment, of not having anything to feed the kids, of running out of formula for the baby, of not having gas to get to work,,,,,,,, Or of the car breaking down..... ectera ectera... I am so scared and so stressed all the time, and there has been no reprieve from the constant onslaught of issues. Yesterday we had to take both the older kids to work with us because the babysitter couldnt watch them......... I can't breathe , I can't sleep, I can't move. You'd think something has gotta give ... but there is no end in sight... And believe you me... as much as I went to scream kick and cry and lay in the fetal postion in the dark (and I have) I KNOW it could be worse... So I just breathe.. and keep going.... becuase although I see suicide as a option.. I dont want to play that card... I'm not that far gone just yet. I have been.. in the past when I was younger. But I got through that.. sometimes I kinda sorta wish I had done it then.........
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tried to go back to sleep... couldn't. Lay in bed for an hour or two.. until the room started to lighten and the birds began chirping outside. Hoping I can steal a nap later. Don't need to be at work for at least another three hours. I made coffee. scrolled the page up and down on Facebook looking for something or someone to entertain me. Checked out the "Free" section on CraigsList. Realized I had made friends with all the "wrong" people in highschool... somehow. I befriended the rebel out cast "older brothers/sisters that didn't even go to highschool with me.. later I found out I had went to highschool with "friends" younger (my age) siblings. How did I do that? Wasn't trying... I'm just strange like that....
I hate being tired and not being able to sleep.... I end up in this good-for -nothing lethargic state lacking energy to do anything.. yet unable to sleep. So I'm just lazy and good-for-nothing... I can't stand it! Why is it so hard for me to sleep!?!? If I had medical I'd go to the docter.. but alas I do not. Blah. I'm tired of being tired....
I want to fly away...............................................................
So,,, I found out I'm nearly three-hundred dollars in the hole at the bank today. Strangely enough.. I'm still breathing and pretty calm. I'm not sure how I managed that one,, but I'm grateful to the universe for keeping me tied up and in one piece. ;/
I went to bed tonight around 11:thirty, with the aid of some PM med but only dozed it off and found myself awake at 2:thirty. So I am here now... contemplating going back to bed. I ate half a bag of popcorn and some water w/ crystal light.
I can't believe how "relatively" calm I feel. Nice.. for once.
I think... unless it is only a "calm before the storm".. or I am just "in the eye" ;/
I know how we age now... I know how we get old.... Sometimes there is just to much LIFE. I am going back to bed now..... Goodnight ;)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
So-o, yesterday my mum has my brother text me.. I didn't respond. And today she has my brother call... I didn't respond. Then my brother shows up at my door with a bag of summer clothes from the childrens resale store. Two outfits for each of the kids. Nice right? Gah. Frustrated, exasperated, anxious, confused, annoyed,... Did I say frustrated? I'm sure I sound like a complete disrespectful ungrateful (I'v been called that before.... )Bitch. I'm not ......really. I'm not.....
I have to do this.... because....
She has always made me feel worthless... in action and word. But I watch her complement and praise ectera others.... Its hurt and I'v felt frozen.. depressed, lost, alone, unlovable.... and always always like something was wrong with me. If I can't... or don't have somebody ELSE to believe in me... well whatever.. what I need to do is believe in MYSELF,, and that is why I am ..... why I HAVE to do this right now. I need to know regardless... that I have the power to change to be who I always was, before I slowly withered and froze, and shrunk into myself. Over time my sadness and pain has twisted into more agressive anger and bitterness.... I don't like it but I must admit I prefer it over the feeling of complete powerlessness.. that I am retarded, lazy and not good enough. I believed it... even though another part of me was screaming it wasn't true. The contradictions made me crazy , made my head ache... and its been going on for nearly three decades. ...... I need a break from this for a moment ;^)
Welll, its Saturday. Yesterday was an emotional trainwreck for me, and I am feeling wrung out this morning. BF is working today, so I have the three darlings home with me today. Hope it goes smoothly, that is without me losing my mind balled up in a corner crying and rocking back and forth. In my dream life, I would be able to get some (alot?) of cleaning done today while keeping the children happy and entertained, and no parents knocking on the door saying my kids and their kids have gotten in some kind of disagreement (i.e fight) I reallllly can not handle parents knocking at my door... it makes my homicidal urges (which are dangerously close to the surface right now) FLARE! my mother had my brother text me yesterday asking if she could take the kids for a few hours today... any other time I would of literally JUMPED at the idea... especially knowing I was to have all three of them alone today.. all day. Goes to show how serious I am about this... situration.... to me at least. Well, I am going to go start the coffee ... and do some cleaning in the kitchen ;/ (BELIEVING IN MYSELF ;0))
Friday, June 18, 2010
Blah.... Facebook makes me feel like shit. Why do I keep going back? Glutton for punishment.... Like a virtual peeping tom.... pathetic really. Gah. Obsessed. But a majority of the time I come away feeling like I secretly ate the whole cake .. alone in the closet and I want to vomit and cry. What is WRONG WITH ME!!!??? :(
(I'v been asking that one for, well, forever)
Its Five:Thirty! AND I slept through the night!!!!!! YAYhoo!!!! I've noticed (to my chagrin);) That the earlier I go to bed (last night was about 8:30) the better and longer I sleep. Unfortunately, Its just not feasible for me to go to bed at 8:30 everynight :(. What a conundrum. :( Wellll... I'm up bright and early and rested! On a FRIDAY no less! With plenty (two and a half hours :) of time for a leisurely shower and coffee. Its gonna be a GREAT day!!!! And I'm so much HAPPIER when I've had sleep. Able to manage stress better. Lack of sleep really destroys me. Its horrible. And it sucks I'm not able to do something about it on a regular basis. Because it wrecks havoc on everything in my life...
Haha, GREAT DAY? I ended up pretty much having a meltdown in the basement guest bedroom of a clients house... (thankfully they weren't home ;).. otherwise I wouldn't have had the luxury of my screaming tearful escapade..... I would of had to scream silently in the bathroom ;)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Once again... 3 a.m. The baby woke soaking wet and needed to be tended to. changed and fed a lil and laid back down. He is in the crib now talking to himself, while I wait. I am EXHAUSTED. I haven't yet fallen asleep, although I'v been in bed for about two hours. In that horrible semi "doze" state. Exhausted but my brain refuses to release my body.
I was (once again) disappointed beyond belief today. (Yesterday?) We have a client EVERY Wednesday who canceled because she will be out of the country. I thought Yay! now we will be able to take the kids to daycare (Already Scheduled day) and FINALLY get to go out (boyfriend and I ) alone and do SOMETHING (we were planninng on Finally going on our hiking trip that was ripped away last month) (We have never actually gone on a date.)
So.. he comes home today after taking our daughter to karate class and breaks the news to me that our daycare is throwing us some shit and we dont have any care at this time. WHAT?!?!?! AGAIN?!?! I just bit my lip for about ten minutes trying to act normal and hold myself together while in the guise of watching jeopardy on TV. After a few minutes I went into the bedroom and laid down.. still trying not to cry.. I did... just a little. And then got control of myself and went to Target to get diapers. AND because I was in a disappointed heartbroken funk .. spent $90 on bath supplies ;p (body wash, lotion, ect) and a grey T-shirt with feathers printed on it (on clearance, Lol) Didn't really make me feel better.. Well maybe just a little :/
Wellll I just am at a loss for words....
I'm going to bed. :(