Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Four O'clock in the morning.... I can't sleep. I feel ... sad. Its a chemical "mistake" in my brain.. I know it, but I still "FEEL" it regardless. Sometimes I am... confused as to why some people are the way they are, why they do or say or.. feel the way they do. And what in the world did I do.. to be treated THAT way? My chest feels tight. I took melatonin,.. still unable to sleep. I feel forgotten .. nights like this. unimportant, forgotten...And what bothers me the most... is that I don't know "WHY". I just want to know "WHY".Whats so hard about that? The answer.. do you not have an answer? And if not.... then "WHY"......? I need to sleep..... I'm so freakin restless. Sometimes I just want to ... run. For some reason I'm to afraid to get up and do it.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Two steps forward, one hundred back. Just trying to breathe. So... I did a photoshoot for my mum. There were some really good pictures. But she is so negative about herself , that she is picking herself and in so doing picking apart the pictures... I know I shouldn't take her issues personally.. but I do. I mean I AM her daughter. Feeling a bit down. And already having some anxiety . About money and rent ectera. My stomach is in knots and I feel like curling up in a ball and crying... Then passing out for a few hours.... Its been a long hot day and I am exhausted and dehydrated. My baby made me some yummy stirfry for dinner, much appreciated since I hadn't eatten anything all day.. and overdosed on coffee ;/
Tired.. need to rest. But first I need a shower. Grimy ;/ Wooo zahh ;)
Friday, July 23, 2010
I love taking pictures, I love photography, I love making pictures even more beautiful with editing programs and changing lighting and contrast. In the last year my "friend" (she use to be my best friend) somehow became a "professional" photogragher. Now every time I take pictures or talk about photography or pursue my passion I feel like a copycat and a fraud. To the point I truely wondered if I was copying her.... But then today I really started thinking about it... I took photography in HIGHSCHOOL.... having my own DARKROOM has been on my wishlist for ages. I'v loved CAMERAS for as long as I can remember. REMEMBERING all this was a bit redeeming.. but I have to wonder how I could put myself away like that... I have let everyone " put me away" and just smile and say "its okay". What bullshit is that? I can't believe I actually questioned myself... I'm angry.. for feeling like that.. for even wondering.. and for ..... I don't even know how to put it in words at the moment.. I just get angrier and angrier...
How can I so completely FORGET ME? That is more then a little terrifying. If I'm not here for me.. no one else will be.
I need to go to bed now :) peace & ♥
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Feeling a bit down this morning. Have to knock that shit off quick. Its been chilly in the morning for the last couple days. Slow to warm up. Being cloudy and cool till nearly 2PM. Than reaching about 80F. I'm trying to keep my mind off... something... So its bouncing around like a rubber ball or a flitting butterfly ;) I should go back to bed... I woke up to pee.. and baby woke up (inevitably) I changed his diaper, gave him 6 oz bottle, and he fell back to sleep... I really should also. Catch a few Zzz'z while I can. I think I am PMS'ing.... Blah-bummer. I'm never completely aware of my condition until after the fact... but sometimes I catch on.. and feel a bit better. Uhg.. there is so much to do! There is ALWAYS so much to do... which in some ways is a good thing. I am stressing. About money (again). Baby needs diapers I noticed. Hoping what we have can make it through tomorrow. And that we have enough gas... ectera ectera. I am getting a headache... I think I'll go back to bed.... yeah.
Friday, July 16, 2010
So.. after blabbing my concerns for my mums sanity, I realize she is pretty much doing the equivilant of what I am doing HERE. Working through my issues... my life. In a place where I don't have to be afraid ... afraid of hurting family or friends, or ashamed, or bothered by their oppinions. So-o... I feel a wee bit bad. :( I'm sorry! I kinda wish I could say something to her. But I think we need to hold our own places at a distance perhaps for the time being. I know even though she is my mother... she still has much issues to work through, and while I know she feels she has grown alot.. she (as do we all) has much to do. .....................
So-o we had a great birthday party tonight! I think he (the birthday boy!) had a lot of fun :) unfortunately I was busy tending the party and didnt eat .. and now at nearly one in the morning I am STARVING! Gah! And I'm sure I am going to fall prey to the left over birthday cake. Woe is me! In my defence we tried to pawn of the left over mass of gooey delicious sweet fat and calories on my sister-in-law and our downstairs nieghbor! Didn't work.... :( I am still carrying around three babies in my thighs and belly.. No kidding. :( Wellll I am off ♥
Thursday, July 15, 2010
So.. about three days ago our water heater exploded. Which meant a VERY cold shower for me yesterday. Thankfully.. I live in an apartment so it is being replaced today. :) Grateful. Today is also my sons fifth birthday, and my baby is eleven months old today.. one month from today he will be turning One. :) So we are going to my brother and sis-in-laws house this evening for a BBQ and cake and a pinata for the kids. Good times! We have been off work for a week. Tomorrow we go back to work, and than the weekend! ;p Although I think my darling BF will be working his landscaping job one of the days this weekend... which means a long day of one on one time with the children ;p
It is 4:15 and all I'v had today is a blended coffee at the mall.. Sooo I just pretty much inhaled half a chicken sandwich ;) I think it was pretty good? Lol Anywho.. thats my day... gonna go take some meditative quite time before the children come home!
People are strange, relationships are strange, The internet is strange, life is strange.
The baby is making cooing , giggling noises in his crib every couple minutes... I can't sleep through it.... Its three:forty-two A.M. I'm sleepy, but here I am... waiting for perfection. Today (Thursday) is my sons fifth birthday. Five years, nine months and ten days ago, My Ex impregnated me.. for the second time. This one I kept. The first one he impregnated me with I aborted. I tell myself.. or "believe" I suppose (only to make myself feel better) that the baby I aborted never would have really existed.. like I probably would have had a miscarriage anyway... or something... Or one of my favorite brain fuckings; that the child I kept (my son) is that same baby a second time around... I tell myself if I had kept previous child I wouldn't have the wonderful sweet little boy I now have... Regardless... .... ... I took the abortion pill. Him and his mother took me. The morning of my stomach was raw and nauseous... They took me to breakfast. And than to the clinic. His mother swiped her card. About $400. They inserted the ultrasound wand to check if I was pregnant and gestation.. I cried. The woman bruskly asked if I really wanted to do this. I said "yes" ... but I really wanted her to try harder... she didn't. After the ultrasound they took me to a little office and had me sit. My "Ex" came in... I sometimes think he came in more to make sure I did it than support. The "nurse gave me a pill in a little paper cup... The same kind they use to give me my varying anti-depressants in "The Behavorial Facility". I swallowed the pill... This pill was to shut down the nutrients from my placenta to the embryo... to cut off food, ect.... They handed me a yellow paper envelope with three more pills. These were to be "placed" in my vagina when I got home. His mother drove us "home". We went to "our" bedroom, and I laid on the bed. He put them inside me. The bleeding and cramping came within a hour or two. I cramped and bled al night... He had an additude because "we" couldn't have sex. I laid in the dark on the couch on a heating pad the following day. He stormed about yelling at me ect while I wreathed in pain.
I loved him... I loved him very very much. He made me cry often. Telling me he wanted other girls ectera ectera. But I loved him anyway... Because sometimes things were wonderful.... I still check his facebook page.. a hundred times a day. Happy to see he is still in the same self laothing cycle as he ever was... This makes me feel better on some low very human frequency. It feels good to truely know "it wasn't me, it was him". ;p
Tonight I found out my mother has a fake facebook page... Its a bit confusing.... She added me.. as someone else... then deleted me..... and became "herself again. I just happened to stumble upon it when I went to find who delted me... ;p Strange.... I am too tired now.. Must sleep.......
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hmm its only been about a week since I'v been here... felt like longer. Long enough that I almost forgot my password when I was logging in ;/
Having trouble sleeping tonight.. I know shocking right?! Haha. I was exhausted earlier today and took a short nap, and had horrid nightmares the entire time. When I have nightmares I usually have to kill something ;/ I don't get chased and I don't get hurt... But I almost always have to kill someone/thing... which isn't much fun either.. and pretty heartpounding for me.. Lol. I am thinking maybe I'll go take my A.M shower.. sometimes that helps me relax enough to get to sleep. Its a little windy outside and I can hear my windchimes, which is soothing :)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I hate the Fourth of July. Its an annoying loud holiday and the banks think that if it lands on a weekend they should get Monday off anyway. :/ I'm not trying to be "un-patriotic". I just don't like the noise till all hours .. usually starting 2 or 3 days before and continueing 2 or 3 days after. I also always end up being broke on the fourth which I'm sure adds to my annoyance of the holiday. Along with knowing my BF's birthday is on the 6th and my sons is on the 15th... lots going on. Blah.
Wellll my brother and sister-N-law took the two older kids last night so we just had the baby... It was nice.... for awhile. Then HE massively fucked up, by getting himself involved with the nieghbors and their stupid alcohol induced loud fighting. I was so pissed off. I mean really? Why? The cops had already been called .. they were coming.. why did he think he had to go out there and play good guy? Stupid. *Sigh*.. so yeah.. just a tad annoyed. He ended up sleeping on the couch most of the night ;p He says he tried to come to bed at one point but I elbowed him out and told him to leave.... In my sleep.. I totally don't remember that... but.... cool ;/
Sooo I should probably crawl back into bed for a couple hours... seeing as there are no kids to get up with (they don't expect us till this evening) and baby is still asleep.. probably till at least nine. I'm still a bit sleepy.. but I am HUNGRY!! ;p can't go grocery shopping till Tuesday.... (uh when the bank opens again so I can cash my check ... Grrrr) I am thinking about making coffee.. but bed is pulling me harder... I can always make coffee later... OR make coffee and have it IN BED.. heh heh.. sounds a little luxurious. Lol .... yeah, maybe I'll do that. :)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I am getting tied up in knots with anxiety twisting in my gut. It is always there... but sometimes... often something happens to up the ante, where I'm afraid I may vomit it is so bad. Today it is because I am home alone with the children and the electric company is calling..... I hate answering the phone. It terrifies me. I am scared to answer the phone or the door.... I CAN do it.. and once I have I am normally just fine... but the actual DOING of either of these things often times keeps me from doing it at all. And if I do run into the stress I was afraid of incountering in the first place I either cry or get in a argument.. which normally leads to me crying. Mainly all my stress comes down to money.. Lack there of. I am terrified of the electric being turned off, of losing our apartment, of not having anything to feed the kids, of running out of formula for the baby, of not having gas to get to work,,,,,,,, Or of the car breaking down..... ectera ectera... I am so scared and so stressed all the time, and there has been no reprieve from the constant onslaught of issues. Yesterday we had to take both the older kids to work with us because the babysitter couldnt watch them......... I can't breathe , I can't sleep, I can't move. You'd think something has gotta give ... but there is no end in sight... And believe you me... as much as I went to scream kick and cry and lay in the fetal postion in the dark (and I have) I KNOW it could be worse... So I just breathe.. and keep going.... becuase although I see suicide as a option.. I dont want to play that card... I'm not that far gone just yet. I have been.. in the past when I was younger. But I got through that.. sometimes I kinda sorta wish I had done it then.........