Monday, May 31, 2010
I am feeling... very strange. Not bad per se. Almost .... drunk. But i'm not. I did a load of dishes and made a pot of coffee, and I am now sitting here at my computer with a large white mug of delicious coffee at my side. I am ... a little sleepy... but I don't really want to sleep yet. I think I will take a shower, and see how I feel from there.
I actually feel quite good.. slightly anxious.. because there is much to do tomorrow and I am not sure how its all going to sort itself out.
And.. I'm feverish hot. Its so HOT! Its not really hot. Its just me....
Its hard to breathe.
Four O'F'n Clock in the A.M. I went and laid down and STILL couldnt fall asleep. So-oo I got myself some icecream and oreos..... because everyone knows when you can't sleep eat lots of fat and suger ;/ *sigh*
Lol.. Silly Me. So I'v taken my melatonin and am typing my lullabye at the moment... I am SOoo sleeeppy!! Hopefully this next time will be the charm? Gah,.. what is WRONG with me! :) its hot (to me, probably slight fever from being sick) and I can't seem to get comfortable. I want a temper-pedic. Or any ol memory foam mattress..... But I need some money honey, baby I need some cash.... Lol.. yeah... I am stinkin exhausted! Lets try this one again?! Night-O :)
Super sleepy, yawning. But I wasn't FALLING asleep. So I'v come out do my routine (so it seems)nightly blog. Must help? My darling Man-love went to the store and bought me some Vicks 44 which seems to be working quite well. Unlike the Nyquil. Who knew? I feel pretty good aside from the swaying when I stand up.. like an old drunk. Lol. So-o today was mothers birthday. I chose not to say anything. I feel only the slightest bit guilty. But really nothing.. a little sadness, hurt anger... but mostly nothing. Freedom.. joy.. growth.. release. Better. Good. Everything -is -good!
AND.. I think with that.... I AM ready for bed :)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Boyfriend got me a bacon and bleu burger from Wendy's. (My fave burger all time) But my throat was to sore. So-o a few minutes ago I got up to heat it in the microwave for a few seconds............and..........its covered with ants! WTF! I'm so pissed, GROSS for one and Fuckdamnshit!!! I am so SICK of ants. Of course.. i try to count my blessings.. ants to me are a million times better then the cockroaches I had to deal with in Texas. Eww..
SO yeah. I took a advil Pm and a melatonin.. and am pretty much swaying from exhaustion.. but I found myself just lying in bed.... so here I am... hopefully after my "cleansing" blog entry, I'll be able to fall asleep?
I'm SIckk! feel like total crapp! *sigh*
My moms birthday is today. I have been going back and forth with myself about whether or not to send her a card at least.. or a "happy birthday" text (like I recieved ;/) Or just continue the silence. I don't want to act immature about the whole thing. I feel this "split" is good for me. the best ..... for right now. And I am leaning towards just not saying any thing as we haven't spoken in a month now. I just ... don't want to seem.. or be.. taken as bitter or vengeful. Because I'm not. I'm sad.. and hurt. But like I said I think this is for the best right now.
AND.. I'm really thirsty. Lol.
I would like a vat of iced coffee with vanilla creamer. :)
But.. I'v settled for orange juice. I'v heard its suppose to help colds.. but I believe that is only if you add vodka or something.. ;p
Think maybe I am ready to go to sleep now...................................
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I am sick. Sick and exhausted ans feverish. Couldnt sleep although I can barely think straight and have to keep retyping everything because I am spelling everything wrong ... My fingers won't hit the right keys~ :/
I got up to get a drink and take a melatonin tab. Thinking maybe that might help. Its sooo hot.. but its just me. I had chills ealier. I went to Facebook.. obviously only to torture myself ;/ to check my ex's and my moms profiles.... SO VERY LAME!! Arrgghhhh! What is WRONG with me??!! Sometimes I think about just deleteing my profile.. I mean really.. who would notice or care? And "no" I not being depressed or anything.. I am serious.
Uhg.. I think I am going to try bed again. Very sleepy.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I have GOT to stop this!!I try really hard to be positive.... the whole "fake it till you make it" positive out look. Just BE happy.... Blah blah blah. But right now I'm feeling pretty down. I started that wonderful time of the month every woman between certain ages enjoy. So I KNOW.. why I'm having such a hard time to some degree. But I dont entirely think my feelings are B.S. I just think sometimes the whole feeling are brought to the fore front and felt more intensly because of what may be going on with the body.. not that said feeling have no meaning.... Lol ;/
Anywho.. the worse I feel the usually more cryptic I become. Its like I'm ashamed to be hurting so much....
I usually blog or write at all when I am feeling down.. So I know I sound like I'm in the depths of despair at almost all times. But I'm really not that bad. I have been light years worse.. Lol.
I'v been thinking I need to blog and write more when I'm not feeling like utter shit. I have a notebook I write and keep my dreams ect in.. But i need to be more deligent about it. Writing when I'm sad or hurting is a tool I'v used for a long time.. to getthe feelings out.. sometimes or cpourse they just keep coming.. and seem to be no end.. till I am more able to just stop the flow, but not empty the vault.... more crypticness, lol ;p
At least I'm smiling a little now :) I can still make myself laugh a lil ;p
thats always good right?
ANother bad night. I want to scream silently in to the pillows and tear the couch to shreds with my nails. Instead I tore up my skin and have blood under my nails.... I am So-o tired.. I sat in bed barely able to keep my eyes open or hold my head up,, yet I can't sleeep. Everyone else is asleep.. so I have no excuses at the moment. I want to cry .... I want to sleep.... NOW.
I haven't heard from my father in 3 months on the 1st. And my mother will be three weeks this weekend. Boyfriend is talking about moving. A different apartment In-Town that is nicer. I fantasize about moving and nobody knowing where I'm at. Not needing anyones help.....
i check my moms facebook.. but it hurts.. I don't know why I do.
I'm obsessed with checking my ex's (sons father)... But even though its an obsession .. and I check his multiple times a day. I feel better. It kinda makes me laugh. And realize it wasn't my fault......
I'm losing my mind... or maybe just more..... haven't I always begged for this? It doesn't seem to make any difference.
I'm going to try to sleep again.
Funny.. I believe I'v felt worse in the past.... I'm really not as bad as it sounds.. I'v just figured out how to get the words out a little better now then I had then.... To think I was worse though..............................
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Silence.... My darling one took my daughter to karate class and my son along with him. Baby is napping. It is quiet.. well as long as you tune out the nieghbors bassing music.. I am in a semi decent mood and at the moment choose to ignore it. Or more likely my brain is calm enough to handle it with grace , instead of screaming and pounding on the floor and walls which I have been known to do when it begins vibrating in my bones and brain driving me mad. I am VERY sensitive. I can hear the vibrating of eletricity when someone has their TV on in the building sometimes and I'm trying to sleep... I can feel and hear its humming. I wonder sometimes if I'm OCD or mildly autistic.. whats the word for "mildly" aspergers I believe....
I can't quite believe I could be only for ONE reason.. my apartment is a disaster... I obsess over the mess.. making plans and dreams... that just dont .. happen. But if I wassss.. wouldn't it all be perfect?
Wouldnt I just HAVE to make it HAPPEN?
I'm on my third cup of coffee today.. which is alot for me.. I usually have one to none. I am also very sensitive to caffiene.
I feel a mess right... Tired, and bored and .. spazzy. Oh the family is BACK!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
I took a "forced" nap. ;) But I hate sleeping during the day even when I'm so exhausted I can barely move, which is SO frustrating. So I'm awake again, and very sleepy. And feeling more then a little depressed. I hate this, I hate feeling this way. Stuck and tired , no energy...
I think I will probably go try to lie back down for awhile. I am so disappointed. We (the boy and I) were suppose to go on our little hiking date today. but .. no babysitter for the wee ones...
Going to cry. Whatever.
So, six'o'clock Saturday morning. I'v been up since one:forty last night. ;/ *Sigh*
A little tired.. but just that kind of tired that makes me wonder if maybe a lil coffee and just relaxing wouldn't do the trick.
The boyfriend and I got in a fight last night. Which is a big reason why I didn't sleep. He is asleep in the kids room. On my sons "couch" (My sons bed is a big Ikea Tylosand couch,, He prefers sleeping on a couch over a bed.) I don't even really know what exactly happened. Anyways..... I don't really care about that (surprisely) right now. And with that said.. I don't know what to say! Lol... perhaps I DID want to talk about that. But I just .... don't.
It seems like I am getting in "Verbal Confrontations" with people right and left.... Common denominator, right? hmm. I just hate lack of logic.................. arggggh. I got into it yesterday with our skitzy stressnaught of a babysitter. She just kept saying the SAME damn thing after we already told her it was taken care of. It drove me INSANE!! I already have my own anxiety disorders.. I can't handle other peoples stupidity. It seems I am getting more and more angry as the years go by. I guess this is my balancing act. As I was so quiet and mmm Mousy? when I was younger. I just can't take bullshit anymore.. and I dont want to be polite and blow smoke up your annoying ass anymore!! Whew... Growl.
So. Yeah. I haven't spoken to my Father in almost three months now. I haven't spoken to my mother in a week.
Taking a break for now ;/
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Can't sleep. So TIRED! When I can't sleep I end up laying in bed clawing myself and thinking... So-o I get up and get on the computer and snack on a cookie, chips and vitamin water. So now I feel a little nauseus to boot. Nice going. I just want to fall off to sleep!! Its three in the morning. And we have to work in the morning. Only for a few hours ,, but still. I feel like vomiting. NEED SLEEP! I was thinking about all kinds of things in bed and now I can't really remember what they all were. I guess, maybe I should try it again? I always feel like I'm on guard at night. As if I can protect everyone. Hah , please. So silly. Brain please chill out for a few hours and let me recouperate? please? Going to try again.
Baby is finally asleep. All is silent. And even though I am exhausted as well, I couldn't stop thinking. I'm hot , uncomfortable, and very tired. I can't get this whole thing with my mother out of my head.. I mean .. did I actually hurt her feelings? SHe has been putting me down and emotionally killing me for decades. How can I hurt her feelings? Or is she just angry, or trying to make me feel bad? I hate this. I am so angry and hurt. Its like .. unfinished business... I don't care ... about "fixing" it per se.. with her.. so much as , I just want it to be over.. done. not wondering what is going to happen.. If she is going to call or show up .. or I don't know. Part of me wants her to come "around". and part of me wonders what it would be like if we "never again" or at least not for a pretty long time..... I guess I want to know I CAN do it on my own. That I don't NEED her. I also want HER to KNOW that. My daughter brings her up though wanting to go over there or call gramma. The bigger part of me I believe wants TIME away.. a good deal of it I believe. But at the same time I am scared.. and that in itself tells me I need Time away. A growing period at nearly thirty years old. Am I wrong? I don't think so...
I DO need to get some sleep though ;/
Monday, May 17, 2010
I'm starving! And I'm feeling very quarrelsome, and grouchy. Its raining now, and its lovely. I love the smell of rain and the coolness after a warm sunny day. Its like two days in one. Plus HOUSE is on tonight! YAY! Besides FRINGE,, HOUSE is my FAVORITE show. LOVE! So perfect day... Kinda ;/. My "Love" is making dinner. In some ways I am truely spoiled and very grateful :). So I suppose the grouchiness is hunger, sleepiness, and "Mother".. maybe some "Father" and Self-Pity. Nice to be able to put that in somewhat of perspective... Keeps the general anxiety at bay a little more ;). Deep breathing exercises would be good I think. Keeping my attention on ONE thing for a period of time especially when it has to do with my self and betterment ectera is very hard for me... Baby is crying...
I have had two (maybe three?) cups of coffee, and now feel extremely relaxed and sleepy. (Lol yeah I'm one of the few crazy people that get reverse effects on things) So I guess that pretty much proves I'm insane on a molecular level. ;p
I painted one side of my sons shelf. It is blue and matches his Ikea Mammut crib perfectly. As if I had actually got the paint mixed to match.. which I didn't. I check the Wal-mart mis-tints shelf for cool colors ;). So-o awesome. I feel pretty damn good right now. Underneath it all I'm a bit sad. But surprisely good. For some reason I think I'm afraid to get back into my art. This makes me a bit worried and sad. I need to just JUMP in. I NEED to do it. I love writing and photograghy, but its become a lame excuse for really getting my hands dirty. I don't know why I am so scared of it. It is ME. What is wrong with ME? Alot... I know. I am feeling like crying again. Lol , I'v been getting that sensation off and on randomly for awhile now. ...............
So mother deleted my boyfriend too. Why, we don't know. I have decided now that what she is doing is unforgivable. It kinda hurts at the moment and I am feeling angry. I am trying to use these feeling though to push me. The sun has come out now and it looks to be another sunny beautiful day. I think I should make some coffee... i felt like typing ;/ just the repetativeness was kinda soothing... My four year poured me some ice tea... He is so sweet, He then came in and asked if he could have it. Lol. I love him. My little family, My beautiful children. I have been blessed. His Bio-daddy is truely missing out, and I feel like I kinda have this wonderful thing over him. Mine. I think i'll go make that coffee now and do a little more cleaning stuff... Make me feel better.. about... things.
Good morning Monday. No work today. Baby has a doctors appointment and my daughter is sick, so she is staying home from school. So it seems like just a loonngg weekend. Getting some more cleaning/rearranging in today. And maybe some picture taking/journaling/ect.;)
Got my rain this morning I see ;] I think I'll paint today..........too ;) Paint something anyway... not sure if it will be a picture or my sons shelf ;).
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Feeling.Ignored.and Forgotten.and Unimportant.I only care very slightly , enough to feel a bit of melencholy. And perhaps a tinge of self pity. And enough to say so here. Its a beautiful evening. the sky is pink and blue and the kids in the apartment are still outside laughing and playing. The front door is open. Its been a "nice" day. My "Boy" is back with dinner. And I am starving!!!! I'll probably be back later... with more of my random thoughts... because I am feeling like writing ;)
Blah. Today hasn't been bad, all things considered. Its five:thirty. I'm hot and a little sleepy, but good. Trying to figure out what we should have for dinner. It kinda sorta rained for like three minutes awhile ago ;/. but then went back to being hottish ;/. It was funny some random guy I'v known on the edges of my school existense for the last twenty some years appeared today at my apartment. Hanging out with the girl that moved in next door last month. Weird and random.. how does he fit into my world? haha. He happens to be a friend on my facebook page.. but one of those "extra padding" kinda social networking friends. Lol
Haven't heard from my mother... and I don't really care to. Well, I have things to do ;)
Four:thirty in the morning. I'm waiting for baby to actually be completely Quiet (asleep) for more then five minutes so I can finally go lay down. I'm exhausted. The last 24 hours of wrung me. Although I always keeping going, I swear the damn energizer bunny doesn't have anything on me ;/. But I dont want to. The birds are chirping now. Baby is still silent. Good. The alarm will go off in three hours to get my daughter up for Sunday school. She goes with Great gramma every sunday.
All day yesterday the anxiety was hell. My mother finally commented at about one thirty in the morning and then deleted me from Facebook. Nice. I'v been in tears for about an hour now. And pretty much feeling abandoned and hurt and disappointed.... My entire body and head ache from exhaustion, tears and sadness. But... strangely aside from the discomfort of exhaustion ectera. I'm okay. Good even. Swaying a little. Going over and over myself in my head , looking from every angle.. trying to figure it all out. questioning my self and then screaming "FUCK YOU".... I'm not wrong! don't tell me how I FEEL is WRONG! Damn YOU!
I think baby is asleep now. I'm going to bed. Everything will be fine.... I have to become me. This is exactly what I need, AND WANT. I'm sad it has to happen like this.. but I knew it did to begin with.....
I hope it rains today............
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I have had intense anxiety all day today. Probably it really started when I told off my mother with a (entirely truthful) response on facebook. It (Facebook) seems to somewhat be working to say things that seem to be somewhat difficult or not said at all in person. But I dont like it... at nearly thirty years old I feel like I am going through the process of "growing up". as in trying to be my own person in my mothers eyes. (my father and I had a falling out three months ago and I haven't heard from him. Although we've never really been close in the first place. It hurts... but not as much as this shit with my mother. I'm tired. I don't want to sleep. I want....... my apartment to be clean. ;/ THAT would make me feel better. I think... at least a little...?
I feel like I am waiting. I don't want to wait...
I need to go do SOMETHING.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Twenty minutes till five in the morning. Still sleepy and should be in bed. There is no reason for me not tpo be except being anxious and having trainded myself to automatically wake even after very little sleep. I did get about three hours. Woo. Not exactly great but for me.... well.
I have (once again) been looking up what I can find on toxic parents/parenting. All I can seem to find is Parents who just "love" their children so much they smother them and want to keep them close , to close to let them spread their wings. I don't feel that is "My" issue with said parent/s. I don't really think she/them give a damn at all. but all the same have been incredibly toxic. I wish I could find something about that and how to deal/cope. I am drowning. I put this funny joke thing on face book and my "mother" even used this as a oppurtunity to put me down. I am so sick and tired and hurt and sad. I am nearly thirty years old.. WTF?! I want to cut her completely out of my life... not need her any more, but I don't feel I have the luxury to completely burn that bridge, when I don't have anyone else.. I am tired. tired of this inner struggle between feeling so small and frozen and incapable, and knowing this is utter bullshit and knowing how amazing I can be and am....Every fucking day is a struggle. I am so sad. Hurt. Lost. Hiding.... And I gave no one. I want to fly.. and sometimes I just about do then I realize my wings have been clipped..... I keep trying to overcome by myself because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I would love to get counseling... pay some one to understand ;/ but I haven't the money for that. so I am alone.. trying to use my sometimes altogether annoying emotional .... strength to do this on my own. I am ashamed.. I want to hide. Thats why I have you.... my little undercover blog.. away from my facebook and my other blog away from everyone who knows me. Because I am ashemed.. and I dont know how to speak my piece ,, where I feel it has been understood how I feel and what had occurred to make me feel that way. ................
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Time flies. Oh yes it does. I read one womans blog who disagreed with this. But I believe her to be in the minority. I on the other hand think it may be going even faster for me. I had my third child eight months two weeks ago. I dont know where the time went. I still have bags of stuff we bought a year and a half ago waiting to be put away in the bedroom closet.
Its 3:38 a.m. I guess I'm thankful my boyfriend forced me to take a nap earlier this evening, I'm also thankful I actually fell asleep. It was only for one hour, between 10 and 11 pm. But thank God for that. I am having a tough evening. My mind spinning. I was starving! Or maybe I thought I was.. I'm not sure. But we haven't gone grocery shopping so the cupboards are pretty bare. I made a box of turkey stuffing in the microwave. Gross really... but I was HUNGRY. Sometimes I think the exhaustion makes me hungry. My body is begging for sustenense of some kind really needing sleep.... I so badly want to be able to sleep again. Really sleep. Nothing works. sleeping pills, herbal remedies, melatonin, hot baths, herbal bedtime teas,kava kava, valarian, exercise, massage, sex, meditation, journaling,............. NOTHING! I lay down.. so sleepy, and begin picking at myself, creating huge sores on my body. What the hell is wrong with me. Of course I dont have medical insuarance, or I would be running to the doctor. ... ... I don't know what to do!
My chest is tight, my stomach in knots. Anxiety. Why? I don't really know. I ask my self this question all the time. Sometimes it helps... a little, for a brief moment. But not really. I'm trying to find a reason for this feeling ,this uncomfortable sensation. Because if I only had a reason, a cause.. I could then begin working on a solution. I think of different causes and dismiss them. I can't sleep. I feel lonely. Stressed. Exhausted. I want to cry , and then I get angry. Angry mostly at my boyfriend. I have all kinds of reasons I truely feel are excellent reasons to be angry at him. But perhaps when it comes down to it , it is only this nagging burning churning anxiety, that makes me so tired... everything else on top of it (Life?) makes it worse and almost unbearable. And nobody understands... Not that I really have many to talk to about it. Or that I feel safe trying to explain it to. I try to control it all.. all by myself. I try to come up with solutions.. be healthier.. exercise , write, ectera. But I to tired to really follow through completely or regularly. So I get even more anxious, trying to do everything I need and WANT to do, running in circles... and essentially doing squat. Tomorrow it will be better. Tomorrow I will try harder..... My chest is tight, my stomach in knots.
Monday, May 3, 2010
What the hell is wrong with me? I have this anxious feeling overwhelming me.. and there is no reason for it!!! Mixed in with this strange sadness. Everything is great. So why do I feel this way. Even as I type I feel tears pricking my eyes. I need sleep. Desperately. Its 15 minutes till 6 in the morning and I have yet to go to bed. Initially that was because baby was awake, but I laid him down nearly an hour ago, and he's been silent. So I was listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing the windchimes outside. While page hopping on Facebook. Stalking friends ;). And My ex (my sons sperm donor). I don't know why I am addicted to checking that losers page. But I do, constantly. Even while it feels good to know he is still the same loser now (with his new girlfriend) there is still this ache. This ... confusion and envy maybe? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. And I don't want him. But I feel a bit angry and bothered by t he fact that he and his family ignor and deny my son. Not that we need him or them. My son knows nothing of him. My Boyfriend of 5/5 years (we split in the middle when my older son was concieved) and I have two other children together, My son knows my boyfriend as his father. But I'm afraid the day WILL come... I will not be able to hide the truth. (sigh) I think I will go to bed now :) so sleepy!