Friday, October 1, 2010


It has been so long. Why is it STILL when i think of you, hear your name, know you are near. My chest still tightens and I get butterflies in my stomach, I still find it hard to breathe. Why am I so pathetic? You were so long ago. I hate you I love you I feel nothing for you. But what exactly is true? I feel there are some connections that just never break... no matter how we might pretend. But I dont ever feel that I could be on the other end of anyone elses memories. So then I just feel like a complete idiot. I am way to old for this shit! I should be long over you. You should be gone gone gone. Even if i do carry a part of you with me everyday. For you I am nothing. Barely a wisp of a memory. Perhaps someone to speak ill of? I feel so stupid for feeling.... at all.. this way.

My entire body hurts tonight. I am tired... but I don't want to lie down. I want to dream. I want to watch the sunset. I want.. someone... I HAVE someone. But I only feel empty with him. I don't feel like we fit. And I feel horrible for it. I try to make myself feel differently.. But then just don't feel anything.
I am ashamed.

I ... we... found out my five year old son is having seizures this week at the neurologists.
I am lost. What exactly am I to do.. where to next? What now?

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