I'v felt so aimless... drowning. My chest constantly in a vice. Tired... no exhausted. I don't love the person I'm with. I have tried to tell myself he is "my best friend", to make up for the lack of loving feeling I do not have.. but even that doesnt work. I am sad. I can't sleep at night. My heart feels like it spasms when I try. I keep plodding along doing what I feel I must... watching time go by. Quickly.
Tonight was shit. For I think the third time in as many years I was called by a police switchboard to tell me that my "boyfriend" had been stopped and his license is expired? or something... I haven't really talked to him about it all yet... I don't really want to.... But I need to.. later. So excellent like we have money for this kind of crap.... He is SO FUCKING STUPID!... I HATE HIM! okay.. really need to get that out. Still do. But that will do for the time being ;/
So-o after feeding the kids dinner... I took the keys off the hook by the door and just walked out. I DREAM of just walking out and NEVER coming back. But .. not tonight.
No.. tonight I just slid each key pointy end out between each finger, making a makeshift weapon... and walked.
Across and out of the parking lot of our apartments, across the field with the old abandoned brick welding building with the boarded up windows, across the street where the truckers park their eighteen wheelers , into the church parking lot... I sat down at a dark back door behind a bunch of trees in the dark and just watched the cars on the road, and the clouds moving across the sky. And breathed.. it was the first time in a very long time my chest didn't feel so tight. After about thirty minutes I walked around the church building and found a little court yard with a bell tower and a tall metal cross and four stone benches around the sides. I laid on one of the benches, surprisely the stars were very bright here. Afterward I got up and walked back home. I tucked the kids in.... who had been worried about me.. (:(
And that has been my night. Back home.. back in knots....
Sometimes we all need a break. I have also experienced the feeling of a tight chest and spasms of the heart. It belonged to a time when I too felt trapped in a situation I couldn't get out of. I sympathise with you but remember how precious the children are to you and how you would feel if something happened to them whilst you were having your 'walk'.
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