Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I have noticed, for some reason(unknown to me) I can't sleep when he is in the room. Regardless of how tired I maybe, or how well I had been sleeping previous to him coming in. I lay in the dark and stare at shadows on the wall, feeling strangly static. I can't seem to concentrate, or relax. I feel stiff and my brain is constantly jumping as does my heart in my chest. Its so strange. I'v tried a technique called "focusing"... but still "jump" as hard as I try to concentrate. I tried to just focus on my finger ... moving.. couldn't. I feel... on guard. Like I am constantly in the middle of a battle field, and I have to watch my back, because no one else will. I don't want to blame him. He is not as horrible as I may make him out to be. But he lies about the dumbest things (like him smoking)... Yes, I do get irratated and maybe have words ;/... But lies? That just makes me wonder what else he may lie about. I treasure honesty and openness. And while I don't think him a horrible person. And he is a very loving father to the children, even the one that isn't biologicaly his. I don't feel he is right for me? And that makes me feel awful. Sad. Lost. Stuck. Confused. Frozen. Mean. Selfish. Like I'm not trying hard enough, to... make myself.. different. I feel like he is the one the universe has given me, and he is loyal, and loving, and ... probably tries his best. And I am just a rotten person, for that not being enough. For feeling so alone. And misunderstood. I flinch when he touches me. I laugh it off (Oh that tickles).... I am so lonely. But I have this beautiful family, I am blessed... even when its hard, I know that... Am I really just a terrible person?