Saturday, November 13, 2010

Night Owl

The baby has slept through the night for the last four nights; and so have I. But tonight I haven't been able to sleep... I am very tired. But I am sad and melencholy and all these silly stupid things are going through my head.... Old stuff new stuff... And as if by some psyhic awareness, the baby woke up. I gave him a warm bottle and laid him back down. I think his cough is keeping him awake. We took him to the doctor about two weeks ago after he had had this cough for nearly three weeks.. it was just a slight cough and only at night.. but it has gotten worse and has been hanging on for over a month now. I don't believe that is "cool" for a baby. He is only one so I can't give him any cough medicine.... I feel so bad.. I am thinking I will take him into urgency care tomorrow.... Soo finally every is asleep... the bigger kids included... I am the only one awake. But I feel uncomfortable... and unsafe. I don't know why. Just a strange paranoia I get sometimes.. because I can't control everything and the bottom can fall out at any given moment and I'll have nothing to hang on to. SO I can't close my eyes.... As if it would make any difference. I am lonely.... I hate to admit that... Admitting such things to me is shameful and weak. I sit here exhausted.. asking unaswerable questions in my head.. driving myself crazy. I need to go to sleep....


  1. To admit you're human and vulnerable, like all humans is shameful? Is it shameful to admit being hungry or starving for human contact or any of the other myriad feelings shared by all humans?

  2. Yes.. I do find it shameful. Just for myself. I should be stronger... and more independant. I should be able to.......... do... anything on my own. I am not saying I feel that way about everyone else.. I don't.... And don't know... how to explain...