Bored

Baby isn't sleeping .. yet again.. talking up a storm in the bedroom. The BF is sleeping in the kids room... I thought perhaps i'd sleep on the couch... But not ready to fall asleep yet. Not because I'm not tired... The couch is a lil uncomfortable.. and I need to be drop dead exhausted to fall asleep.. beyond drop dead exhausted ;/
I am feeling mildly depressed. Bored maybe. I hate the word "bored". Hate it. There is way to much to do in life to be bored. whether it be the chores or writing you biograghy,.. To much to do for there ever to be boredom. To me boredom is a stand in for words I don't want to use, like; sad,lonely,dissatified,annoyed,angry,restless,HURT,ashamed,lazy,frozen,stupid,tired,misunderstood,confused,stressed,overwhelmed,scared,anxious,unhappy,lethargic,silent,frustrated, ectera. Boredom is a nice empty word that stands in for what is really underneath the surface....
Baby is now crying. He is fed diapered,has played,been cuddled. It is 2A.M. And more than likely like most nights I won't go to sleep till 4 or 5 or 6. Then I'll pretty much be a zombie again... It is so FRUSTRATING. I am angry at myself. I quit smoking 19 months ago. And suddenly started back up smoking again. I don't even like it. Its something to do... with the BF. I have a secret... I personally don't think its a secret.. but no one seems to her me.. or care. Or tell me I feel this way or that way. I hate him. Its never really been any different. But I just somehow some way want to know it won't always be this way. I feel like it is him or no one. I feel alot of things.. most I don't care to type out right now. I guess unless someone really wanted to know ;/
But nobody really cares, so it doesn't really matter. I am getting reallly sleepy now. maybe its time to lay on the couch? Baby is still fussing. The old man in the corner apartment is outside smoking.. and hacking. Its quite sad. And gross and annoying. The hacking echos loudly in the early morning hours. Which he seems to prefer to smoking all night outside. I'm not even sure why he DOES smoke outside. there is no one else living with him except his wife who also smoke, and was taken to the hospital earlier this week. I guess they are trying to protect their cat from lung cancer.... how nice. ;/
Blah... I suppose I'll go check on baby again. Maybe he did a courtesy poop.... the kind to keep him up and have a reason to squall till I come and check on him again after a certain amount of time. I swear my children can piss and poo on command or at least if it so suit them ;/ Yes they are VERY talented....

Zombie

Woke up after maybe an hour of sleep, I see light shining through the crack around the door frame, so I venture out to see who is up raiding the fridge. ... No one. The bathroom light is glaring, and I notice the kitchen light IS on so I go to the kitchen... To find the refridgerator WIDE open and a chair in front of it... but not a soul around... So I put the chair back at the table. Shut the fridge door. Turn off the bathroom light. ANd sit down at the computer with the remainder of the icecream... (A normal night;/ ) (morning?) A few minutes later my sone comes out... Oh so HERES the culprit! AH hah! "Can I go sleep with daddy", he asks.. "wait a minute I answer". Not wanting him to go in our room and wake baby. So he silently disappears. I put the ice cream away turn off the computer and find him in his room in front of the TV with the GameBoy in his hand. Turn it off, I say. He whines. Do you want to come lay down with me or not? He quickly turns everything off and follows me into the bedroom. where we all three squeeze into our queen-size bed. As he fall (quickly ,, he seems to sleep well in mommy and daddy's room) he starts up his jerking. Seizures... He sleeps through them. I can't. The doctor says he is having them pretty much all the time.. As in more often then not. The medicine is STILL not "knocking them out" as the doctor seem to believe it will. *Sigh*.. I still haven't wrapped my head fully around this.... I get up.. and go smoke a cigeratte... irratated with myself... I have been smoking more lately. I dont even like it. It makes me sick .. The taste the smell.. everything... But I guess somewhere in my screwed up head it was once a habit to calm myself and I believe it still should be.. It doesn't calm me.. just makes me ill. Once again I am awake with maybe two hours of sleep ..... it 6:A.M .. really no way I am going back to bed. The alarm goes off at 7:30. So I suppose I will hit the shower and have a cup of coffee.. A much milder version compared to my xtra strength "crack" coffee I kicked my own ass with yesterday. I am exhausted... (hence the lack of any poetic exhertion in this entry) No.. I'm not trying. I'm tired, mildly emotional, and just typing purely for the sake of typing... my new calm. ;) I have more to say... but lack the energy to say it................hopefully I'll be in the mood.. later. :(

Silence

It has been so long. Why is it STILL when i think of you, hear your name, know you are near. My chest still tightens and I get butterflies in my stomach, I still find it hard to breathe. Why am I so pathetic? You were so long ago. I hate you I love you I feel nothing for you. But what exactly is true? I feel there are some connections that just never break... no matter how we might pretend. But I dont ever feel that I could be on the other end of anyone elses memories. So then I just feel like a complete idiot. I am way to old for this shit! I should be long over you. You should be gone gone gone. Even if i do carry a part of you with me everyday. For you I am nothing. Barely a wisp of a memory. Perhaps someone to speak ill of? I feel so stupid for feeling.... at all.. this way.


My entire body hurts tonight. I am tired... but I don't want to lie down. I want to dream. I want to watch the sunset. I want.. someone... I HAVE someone. But I only feel empty with him. I don't feel like we fit. And I feel horrible for it. I try to make myself feel differently.. But then just don't feel anything.
I am ashamed.

I ... we... found out my five year old son is having seizures this week at the neurologists.
I am lost. What exactly am I to do.. where to next? What now?

Release Me

Two sleeping pills and a muscle relaxant... AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! This can't be normal, can it? Can I have some of that shit Micheal took? Anybody? Yeah.. thats what I thought. Baby boy has his EEG tomorrow. I want one too. Maybe I can find out whats wrong with my brain?
Feeling restless, distracted, detached.... Who the hell am I? Bored, waiting. I feel imprisoned within myself, but I try not to bitch to much about it cause it strikes me as whiny. Ha. How can I be SO tired but unable to sleep? I am thinking about buying a bicycle tomorrow... I just want to ride.. wind in my hair down a long hill. be a child for a moment and maybe in that moment everything will click and I will be here again really me.... I know.. I'm talking crazy.. just a little.. I could do better. And really want good is an annoymous blog if you can't be authentically crazy? ANd then perhaps work oneself up to being completely unmasked loony? Ahhh I can wish! ;^) I shall try to crawl back into bed now and see if my brain shall release me?

Fly

Very very tired, but as is the broken litany of my life I cannot sleep. It is four o'clock a.m. I am curious... What does one do if they KNOW what is wrong with them but they DON'T know WHAT to do about, WHERE to go, WHO to see? I need to check if my medical is available... and see a doctor. I'm not well, and I dont know where to begin to change it. Despite the KNOWING I haven't a clue what to DO. Or how to DO it. Feeling stuck and being completely aware is like a hell on earth. Am I even alive? I wouldn't really call myself depressed... some may. I feel more angry and anxious then sad. I feel like I have chains and weights tying me up and dragging me down when I so desperately want to fly. Ahh well I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
Peace&♥
~M

Frustration

Sooo restless. Find myself wandering aimlessly. Checking in repeatedly to Facebook (LAME).. So I decided to come here.. type my nerves down to a low buzz. My five year old son has been having some weird issues. Started a couple months ago with a one time occurance of strange jerking spasms in his arms that he couldn't control. He said his head hurt.. and just seemed out of it. A couple days ago it happened again. So now I'm scared, as the twitching seems to be happening more frequently. He has a EEG scheduled for later this week. I on the slight possibility contacted his bio-father for any family medical info. He still denies its his.. or tells me I DONT KNOW. I DO KNOW. He doesn't seem to. I have no question in my mind. Unless my son was a virgin birth.. HES the father... as he is the only one (if I can be so crude but honest) that I was having sex with. He was the only one I was with Even after we broke up. (Just before I found I was pregnant) I didn't sleep with anyone else until I was two months pregnant. When My daughters father and I got back together. Up until I was two months pregnant he wasnt even in the same state as I was! It is so frustrating. I have no reason to lie! I don't need anything from them (mu sons bio family). but I am, honest and it bothers me so much to have this continue.

Truth

I have noticed, for some reason(unknown to me) I can't sleep when he is in the room. Regardless of how tired I maybe, or how well I had been sleeping previous to him coming in. I lay in the dark and stare at shadows on the wall, feeling strangly static. I can't seem to concentrate, or relax. I feel stiff and my brain is constantly jumping as does my heart in my chest. Its so strange. I'v tried a technique called "focusing"... but still "jump" as hard as I try to concentrate. I tried to just focus on my finger ... moving.. couldn't. I feel... on guard. Like I am constantly in the middle of a battle field, and I have to watch my back, because no one else will. I don't want to blame him. He is not as horrible as I may make him out to be. But he lies about the dumbest things (like him smoking)... Yes, I do get irratated and maybe have words ;/... But lies? That just makes me wonder what else he may lie about. I treasure honesty and openness. And while I don't think him a horrible person. And he is a very loving father to the children, even the one that isn't biologicaly his. I don't feel he is right for me? And that makes me feel awful. Sad. Lost. Stuck. Confused. Frozen. Mean. Selfish. Like I'm not trying hard enough, to... make myself.. different. I feel like he is the one the universe has given me, and he is loyal, and loving, and ... probably tries his best. And I am just a rotten person, for that not being enough. For feeling so alone. And misunderstood. I flinch when he touches me. I laugh it off (Oh that tickles).... I am so lonely. But I have this beautiful family, I am blessed... even when its hard, I know that... Am I really just a terrible person?