Thursday, July 15, 2010

Spaces Between

People are strange, relationships are strange, The internet is strange, life is strange.
The baby is making cooing , giggling noises in his crib every couple minutes... I can't sleep through it.... Its three:forty-two A.M. I'm sleepy, but here I am... waiting for perfection. Today (Thursday) is my sons fifth birthday. Five years, nine months and ten days ago, My Ex impregnated me.. for the second time. This one I kept. The first one he impregnated me with I aborted. I tell myself.. or "believe" I suppose (only to make myself feel better) that the baby I aborted never would have really existed.. like I probably would have had a miscarriage anyway... or something... Or one of my favorite brain fuckings; that the child I kept (my son) is that same baby a second time around... I tell myself if I had kept previous child I wouldn't have the wonderful sweet little boy I now have... Regardless... .... ... I took the abortion pill. Him and his mother took me. The morning of my stomach was raw and nauseous... They took me to breakfast. And than to the clinic. His mother swiped her card. About $400. They inserted the ultrasound wand to check if I was pregnant and gestation.. I cried. The woman bruskly asked if I really wanted to do this. I said "yes" ... but I really wanted her to try harder... she didn't. After the ultrasound they took me to a little office and had me sit. My "Ex" came in... I sometimes think he came in more to make sure I did it than support. The "nurse gave me a pill in a little paper cup... The same kind they use to give me my varying anti-depressants in "The Behavorial Facility". I swallowed the pill... This pill was to shut down the nutrients from my placenta to the embryo... to cut off food, ect.... They handed me a yellow paper envelope with three more pills. These were to be "placed" in my vagina when I got home. His mother drove us "home". We went to "our" bedroom, and I laid on the bed. He put them inside me. The bleeding and cramping came within a hour or two. I cramped and bled al night... He had an additude because "we" couldn't have sex. I laid in the dark on the couch on a heating pad the following day. He stormed about yelling at me ect while I wreathed in pain.
I loved him... I loved him very very much. He made me cry often. Telling me he wanted other girls ectera ectera. But I loved him anyway... Because sometimes things were wonderful.... I still check his facebook page.. a hundred times a day. Happy to see he is still in the same self laothing cycle as he ever was... This makes me feel better on some low very human frequency. It feels good to truely know "it wasn't me, it was him". ;p
Tonight I found out my mother has a fake facebook page... Its a bit confusing.... She added me.. as someone else... then deleted me..... and became "herself again. I just happened to stumble upon it when I went to find who delted me... ;p Strange.... I am too tired now.. Must sleep.......

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