Twisted

I am getting tied up in knots with anxiety twisting in my gut. It is always there... but sometimes... often something happens to up the ante, where I'm afraid I may vomit it is so bad. Today it is because I am home alone with the children and the electric company is calling..... I hate answering the phone. It terrifies me. I am scared to answer the phone or the door.... I CAN do it.. and once I have I am normally just fine... but the actual DOING of either of these things often times keeps me from doing it at all. And if I do run into the stress I was afraid of incountering in the first place I either cry or get in a argument.. which normally leads to me crying. Mainly all my stress comes down to money.. Lack there of. I am terrified of the electric being turned off, of losing our apartment, of not having anything to feed the kids, of running out of formula for the baby, of not having gas to get to work,,,,,,,, Or of the car breaking down..... ectera ectera... I am so scared and so stressed all the time, and there has been no reprieve from the constant onslaught of issues. Yesterday we had to take both the older kids to work with us because the babysitter couldnt watch them......... I can't breathe , I can't sleep, I can't move. You'd think something has gotta give ... but there is no end in sight... And believe you me... as much as I went to scream kick and cry and lay in the fetal postion in the dark (and I have) I KNOW it could be worse... So I just breathe.. and keep going.... becuase although I see suicide as a option.. I dont want to play that card... I'm not that far gone just yet. I have been.. in the past when I was younger. But I got through that.. sometimes I kinda sorta wish I had done it then.........