Saturday, June 19, 2010


So-o, yesterday my mum has my brother text me.. I didn't respond. And today she has my brother call... I didn't respond. Then my brother shows up at my door with a bag of summer clothes from the childrens resale store. Two outfits for each of the kids. Nice right? Gah. Frustrated, exasperated, anxious, confused, annoyed,... Did I say frustrated? I'm sure I sound like a complete disrespectful ungrateful (I'v been called that before.... )Bitch. I'm not ......really. I'm not.....
I have to do this.... because....
She has always made me feel worthless... in action and word. But I watch her complement and praise ectera others.... Its hurt and I'v felt frozen.. depressed, lost, alone, unlovable.... and always always like something was wrong with me. If I can't... or don't have somebody ELSE to believe in me... well whatever.. what I need to do is believe in MYSELF,, and that is why I am ..... why I HAVE to do this right now. I need to know regardless... that I have the power to change to be who I always was, before I slowly withered and froze, and shrunk into myself. Over time my sadness and pain has twisted into more agressive anger and bitterness.... I don't like it but I must admit I prefer it over the feeling of complete powerlessness.. that I am retarded, lazy and not good enough. I believed it... even though another part of me was screaming it wasn't true. The contradictions made me crazy , made my head ache... and its been going on for nearly three decades. ...... I need a break from this for a moment ;^)


  1. remember who you are and hang in there. take constructive criticism, but block out anything that says "not good enough"

    and remember rome wasn't built in a day - or however that goes.

    you have 3 small children. i'd have been in the loonie bin a long time ago. take a deep breath and focus on one small task at a time. take time for you as well - even if it's a nice warm shower once the kids are in bed in the evening. be nice to yourself. and give yourself a break. you're a mom - you deserve it. and so do they :) xoxo

  2. Never, ever think you are worthless! I have a friend going through a similar situation right now. I just keep reminding them of all the wonderful things they do have and that they ARE GOOD ENOUGH. And you are too!!