Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I'm having a seriously crappy day. Its purely emotional, because there isn't any (new) reason for it. But regardless, I'm feeling sad and depressed and teary. Some anger and envy and jealousy and hurt... ectera. Fear? Loneliness? I barely want to write(blog). I don't know what I want. Nothing I can actually have,... so I guess I am not even trying to think about what might make it better, because there is nothing.
I feel fat and ugly and without a friend in the world. I try really hard everyday not to think about these things... But sometimes it just overtakes me like a wave of pity. And I just have a day of relentless tearing up. It can be set off by the most strange and random things. I'm just a bit unstable. ;)
Maybe I'll go curl up in the tub. Or try to sleep. I AM sleepy. Although I don't feel I should be. Or make some coffee. Coffee.... or tea... sounds good , warm and comforting. I don't work tomorrow. Yay me. I AM glad for that. Happy to have the day off.
I wonder if "The Boyfriend" will watch a movie with me tonight....?
My Daughter got a loose tooth and a cavity pulled this afternoon. Then went to karate class. I was looking at her as she was leaving, and thought ... "shes better than me". I AM so happy for that. And at the same time so sad.
Okay... So something about that sentence sent me into tears. And now I have pulled myself together.
I dont deserve this.
I dont deserve being abandoned.
I wasn't bad.
I didn't do anything "wrong"
But I still...... don't.... know..... why.
Why at all?