Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Of course.. because (and I knew too!) I opened my mouth this afternoon and said "baby has been sleeping pretty well the past couple nights", He OF COURSE is now having a tough night of going and STAYING asleep. Why oh why do I not learn?!... to keep my damn mouth shut?
I can't sleep either as is the norm. But that doesn't mean I want to stay up with a fussy baby :p
My tummy is in knots. Because... of .... things. Like my mother. And then whatever seems to be connected to my melancholy. supernaturally in my tortured mind. So I play music that seems to be in tune with my feelings.. and find my choices in musical accompiniment only aggravates my aching soul. Is that perhaps in some small way exactly what I was looking for in the first place?
So-o yeah.. I'm a mess... Somehow its like putting a warm wet towel on a zit and bringing it to a head. Lol I just need to POP IT... ;p
The achiness the hurt... to.... lessen the pressure.So I can put it back where it belongs.. the BACKBURNER... on a low simmer... Where I dont have it at the FORFRONT boiling.
Gawd I love my LATELATE night bloggings.. no.. it seems is paying the slightest bit of attention to me.. and that is I suppose alright...
just kinda sorta getting some of my tangled thoughts out and the tapping of my fingers on the keys.. going faster and faster have some kind of soothing htpnotic effect, that calms me and makes it easier to find peace and many time actually GO-TO-SLEEP!
So my playlist at the moment... which maybe I did to good a job, because I am feeling tears come to my eyes... Tap tap tap... calm.
Radiohead: High and Dry
Rachel Yamagata: Worn Me Down
Sarah McLachlan: Arms Of An Angel
Tori Amos: 1000 Oceans
Brandi Carlile: The Story
Nice eh? ;p Still finding it a little painful to be awake.. to breathe. Its so strange how I feel .. Essentially, Good. But still ache inside.
Tomorrow is a new day.. I feel like the days are just draining away and I can't catch my breath. going going gone.. always replaced with another... but only with the knowledge that they WILL come to an end... in time,.... In time.
So much to do .. so much I want,, but I feel FROZEN.. and so little get DONE!! And I can't breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is just TO MUCH TO MUCH SO MUCH!
I'm sounding crazy and desperate now.. I try hard to keep that part down.. but I am crying now.. and I don't really care. If no one understands or has the time and now I am so scared to even bother trying to explain... because...... No one hears me.. There is NO ONE!!! Shit shit shit.. look I am having one of my little attacks right here on my blog! lovely. Usually I do this. Silently sreaming , tears rooling down my cheeks , clawing at the mattress or couch cushion, alone , in the dark, while everyone is asleep. But now I happen to be on the computer and whew.. well it caught me.. and I'm not stopping. Lol. OKAY breathing I think I'v gotten ahold of myself now! Sorry about that silent ghost audience. I think maybe I'll try going to bed now? Am I ready?