Monday, May 3, 2010

Hoping For Rain

What the hell is wrong with me? I have this anxious feeling overwhelming me.. and there is no reason for it!!! Mixed in with this strange sadness. Everything is great. So why do I feel this way. Even as I type I feel tears pricking my eyes. I need sleep. Desperately. Its 15 minutes till 6 in the morning and I have yet to go to bed. Initially that was because baby was awake, but I laid him down nearly an hour ago, and he's been silent. So I was listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing the windchimes outside. While page hopping on Facebook. Stalking friends ;). And My ex (my sons sperm donor). I don't know why I am addicted to checking that losers page. But I do, constantly. Even while it feels good to know he is still the same loser now (with his new girlfriend) there is still this ache. This ... confusion and envy maybe? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. And I don't want him. But I feel a bit angry and bothered by t he fact that he and his family ignor and deny my son. Not that we need him or them. My son knows nothing of him. My Boyfriend of 5/5 years (we split in the middle when my older son was concieved) and I have two other children together, My son knows my boyfriend as his father. But I'm afraid the day WILL come... I will not be able to hide the truth. (sigh) I think I will go to bed now :) so sleepy!

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