Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Twenty minutes till five in the morning. Still sleepy and should be in bed. There is no reason for me not tpo be except being anxious and having trainded myself to automatically wake even after very little sleep. I did get about three hours. Woo. Not exactly great but for me.... well.
I have (once again) been looking up what I can find on toxic parents/parenting. All I can seem to find is Parents who just "love" their children so much they smother them and want to keep them close , to close to let them spread their wings. I don't feel that is "My" issue with said parent/s. I don't really think she/them give a damn at all. but all the same have been incredibly toxic. I wish I could find something about that and how to deal/cope. I am drowning. I put this funny joke thing on face book and my "mother" even used this as a oppurtunity to put me down. I am so sick and tired and hurt and sad. I am nearly thirty years old.. WTF?! I want to cut her completely out of my life... not need her any more, but I don't feel I have the luxury to completely burn that bridge, when I don't have anyone else.. I am tired. tired of this inner struggle between feeling so small and frozen and incapable, and knowing this is utter bullshit and knowing how amazing I can be and am....Every fucking day is a struggle. I am so sad. Hurt. Lost. Hiding.... And I gave no one. I want to fly.. and sometimes I just about do then I realize my wings have been clipped..... I keep trying to overcome by myself because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I would love to get counseling... pay some one to understand ;/ but I haven't the money for that. so I am alone.. trying to use my sometimes altogether annoying emotional .... strength to do this on my own. I am ashamed.. I want to hide. Thats why I have you.... my little undercover blog.. away from my facebook and my other blog away from everyone who knows me. Because I am ashemed.. and I dont know how to speak my piece ,, where I feel it has been understood how I feel and what had occurred to make me feel that way. ................