Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Beginning & An End
Baby is finally asleep. All is silent. And even though I am exhausted as well, I couldn't stop thinking. I'm hot , uncomfortable, and very tired. I can't get this whole thing with my mother out of my head.. I mean .. did I actually hurt her feelings? SHe has been putting me down and emotionally killing me for decades. How can I hurt her feelings? Or is she just angry, or trying to make me feel bad? I hate this. I am so angry and hurt. Its like .. unfinished business... I don't care ... about "fixing" it per se.. with her.. so much as , I just want it to be over.. done. not wondering what is going to happen.. If she is going to call or show up .. or I don't know. Part of me wants her to come "around". and part of me wonders what it would be like if we "never again" or at least not for a pretty long time..... I guess I want to know I CAN do it on my own. That I don't NEED her. I also want HER to KNOW that. My daughter brings her up though wanting to go over there or call gramma. The bigger part of me I believe wants TIME away.. a good deal of it I believe. But at the same time I am scared.. and that in itself tells me I need Time away. A growing period at nearly thirty years old. Am I wrong? I don't think so...
I DO need to get some sleep though ;/